Kerrmudgeon

Getting old ain't for sissys...

Jacob (age 92) and Henrietta (age 89), living in Miami, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way, they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

Jacob: "Are you the owner?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "OK, then. We'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry!"

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Railway Sex...

A rather ugly man, walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a whiskey.
What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky sonofabatch!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

Don't know. Never found the head.".......

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The ventriloquist...

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in New Brunswick. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid azz blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fu@ker on your knee!"

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Little Rotten Johnny...

When mother and new baby came home from
The hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses.

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Donald & Daisy

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"


"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

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God's Planning....

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch!

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Kerrmudgeon

How to Speak Womanese.....



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Dave Tracy

Definition of "Political Correctness"

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s#!* by the clean end.

zardun

Subject: Sex And Good Grammar
For all my grammatically correct friends.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he
was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Railroadman

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied

zim64

great way to start the weekend!

thanks for the funnies!

Railroadman

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you not to grab!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when
he choked, "I... I... didn't grab that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Railroadman

Miss Strickler was a wonderful teacher but she simply would not tolerate baby talk in her 1st grade class.

On the first day back at school after Christmas vacation, the 1st grade teacher asked her class what they did while they were away.

Little Nancy piped up, "We went to visit my NANA!"

"No, No Nancy, remember, no baby talk...you went to visit you Grandmother, not your Nana."

Timmy shouted out, "I went for a ride on a Choo-Choo!"

"Now Timmy, that's not a Choo-Choo is it, it's a railroad train."

"And what did you do Billy?" she asked.

"I read a book." said Billy.

"That's great, what was the title of the book?"

Billy thought quick, he remembered the no baby talk rule and finally came up with the answer..."Winnie The S**t"

Curvette1

Ok Ok, so maybe you have heard thes before, but I hadn’t..


What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common? There is a one hour wait for a 2 minute ride.

Do you know how to get 50 cows in a barn? Put up a BINGO sign..

Curvette1

The Pigs
A farmer had some female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned some male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn".

Curvette1

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy,
cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about
women
drivers.
The woman says,'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace
for the
rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this
must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to
drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She
hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it
back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil wenches.
Don't mess with them

Curvette1

God's sense of humor


While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

Curvette1

This has been around before. Still think it is funny. Have a great
weekend!

*Puns for Educated Minds
*

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out it
was only an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.'

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: to transcend dental medication.

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.-

Railroadman

You, ma'am, have outdone yourself this week!

Curvette1

Only in America.....

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



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Only in America.....

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



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Only in America.....

do banks leave the vault doors open, and then chain the pens to the counters.



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Only in America.....

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America.....

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten, and buns in packages of eight.

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Only in America.....

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can't women put on their mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don't you ever see the headline...'Psychic Wins Lottery?'

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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'Practice?'

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker?'

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called 'Rush Hour?'

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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?

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I like this one!!!



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?

Railroadman

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

BANG11

Best cowboy pick up line

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman, liking the looks of the fellow, notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No M'am', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

"Well," he says half blushing, "it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps the watch again and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast!'

Railroadman

A Rabbi and a Bishop are sitting across from one another on the train.After a while the Bishop leans over to the Rabbi and says

"Excuse me Rabbi,but have you ever tried Ham?"

"Well,as a matter of fact I have."says the Rabbi.

After some time,the Rabbi leans over to the Bishop and says,
"Excuse me Bishop,but have you ever tried sex?"

"Humph, ah..well,as a matter of fact I have."

"Better than ham isn't it!"

Kerrmudgeon

Warning: Angry Woman spotting!........

jjtoma

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Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:

"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."


The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.


The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that
could happen!"


"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."


He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.


"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"


"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.


Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.


"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."


Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,

"You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk."

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