Kerrmudgeon

not much in the cupboard today guys....too darn hot to laugh!


Trip to the store!

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said,
"Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my
congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had
instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I
found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to
shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us
seniors a little clearer!

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ricks327

Vasectomies
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

Kerrmudgeon

Sex with Older Men.......

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'

Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my ********* in your left hand and my ***** in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!'

George told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my ********* in your left hand and my ***** in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?



George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet'.

steampunk c1

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'



A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '


Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'


A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

steampunk c1

Distinction between Guts and *****

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and *****. We've all
Heard about people having Guts or *****, but do you really know
The difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being
Met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, Are
You still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

***** - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
Smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and
Slapping your wife on the butt and having the ***** to say,
You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

steampunk c1

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

steampunk c1

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious Cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

An enormous heart... covered in flowers was stood behind the casket
during the service and all the doctors from the hospital
sat gazing in awe and amazement.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners suddenly burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him,
.................he said, 'I'm so sorry...

I was just thinking of my own funeral...


I'm a Gynecologist....!!!'

steampunk c1

During last night's high winds an African family were killed

by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't

even know they were living up there".







=======================================



Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are

not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being

shown 5 times a week now.







=======================================



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low.







=======================================



I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke

standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"







=======================================



A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the

Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a

beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points

to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs

the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room

where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb

the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets

another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and

climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with

a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of

breath from all his climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you

like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

steampunk c1

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can vaguely remember doing the "Limbo" as if it was yesterday. Seems as though I know them all!

They include:


Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"






Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker "






Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"








The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?"






Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"



?





Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"






Paul Simon - " Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"






The Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"







Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"






Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"






The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"







Abba - "Denture Queen"






"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?


Tony Orlando - "Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall"






Helen Reddy - "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"



Leslie Gore - "It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To"



And Last But Not Least...

Willie Nelson - "On the Commode Again"

steampunk c1

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.


Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'


'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.


Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'


'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'


'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'


'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

steampunk c1

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.



A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

steampunk c1

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.



The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
Demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
Instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
Orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
Right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and
When presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
What it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
An arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
And he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license,
So he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
Reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
Mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
You don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
Underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”



~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

midyearvette

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this crap but me.

tuxnharley

Careful, steampunk, or some mullah is gonna declare a jihad on ya!

Railroadman

Better that, than a proctologist!

**************

A bakery was located in rather cramped quarters, which necessitated shelves way up along the tall walls. One of the employees was an attractive girl who favored short skirts. The place did a big business from guys who would ask for whatever happened to be on the top shelf, just for the fun of watching her climb the ladder to get it.

One day the place was extremely busy and the staff was harried. Some dude came in, looked at the top shelf and said "I'll have a raisin pie'. The frazzled salesgirl climbed the ladder to the top shelf (for about the 10th time in the last half hour), giving the guys below a treat.

About out of patience, as she was about to come down she saw an old codger next in line. Figuring to maybe save herself another climb, she demanded "Is yours raisin, too?"

The old fellow squinted up at her and said "Wal, it sure is twitchin' a bit!"

Kerrmudgeon

out2kayak

From A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser:

Last weekend I saw something at the local Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

So, here I was at home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top (it has been hot) with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself:

"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

The cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it". Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY (*(*&*!@@ . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********* nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

THAT HURT LIKE H&!*@!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which believe came from the little bit of hair I had left. I'm still looking for my "crown jewels" and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it

out2kayak

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope... to sort of even the odds!!

ricks327

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and
every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go
back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
next to the golf course. On golf days, a lot of golfers come and pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It
used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by
the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy
sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it
and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "

Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Kerrmudgeon

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them
around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth. " No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of
complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I
have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"



After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."