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Old 06-29-2012, 01:21 AM   #1
Kerrmudgeon
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Default FRINDAY FUNNIES! National Birthday edition...

Happy July 4th to all of you in the United States, and Happy Canada Day on the 1st to all my fellow Canucks.
**************************************** **************


The truth hurts........

One of the best lines I have heard lately was from a retired shop foreman at the old Republic Steel Plant in Cleveland , Ohio when a young Muslim kid was being laid off.

The Muslim kid said to the shop foreman,
"You're firing me because I'm Muslim"

The foreman thought a moment and said,
"No, we hired you because you were Muslim. We're
firing you because you are useless."

____________________________ ____________________________


Female logic....

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine........

Click the image to open in full size.

_______________________________ _______________________________

and from Bill Schmit......

Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to the mountains of North
Carolina from Ohio .

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost
them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in North Carolina , they went to an insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in North Carolina to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and
said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with
a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!

( HILLBILLIES know how "to git'er done")

_____________________________ ______________________________



Dorace & Jacki

Two little old ladies, Dorace and Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement ... !'

_________________________________ _______________________________


How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?",
she asked.

"Hunting Flies",
he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?",
she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked...
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded...
"3 were on a beer can, and
2 were on the phone.”

______________________________ ____________________________

True Story

This one time, a women was getting in her car and watching me belt a keg of beer into the passenger seat.

She started laughing and said, "I like your girlfriend!" to which I replied......
"Me too! She lets me tap her once, and then gives me head over and over until I've used her all up and then I'll trade her in for a new one!"

_______________________________ _______________________________

Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 06-29-2012 at 09:21 AM.
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Old 06-29-2012, 08:41 AM   #2
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Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Larryturns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community Collegeand sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house..'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larrysays, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're gay!
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Old 06-29-2012, 08:54 AM   #3
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Late Night Phone Call To The Vet


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look
after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on
vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep
the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she
heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found
the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose
his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
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Old 06-29-2012, 09:01 AM   #4
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For all us seniors.


http://www.rtbot.net/play.php?id=Xv1tMioGgXI
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Old 06-29-2012, 11:39 AM   #5
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Click the image to open in full size.

This morning I went to Social Security to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, "dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them withhousing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks next Friday.

Damn, this is a great country.
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Old 06-29-2012, 12:18 PM   #6
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The Hunter......

This is fun. See how many words work in the box for different scenarios. You can type in ANYTHING!!! I found about 10 different ones.........

http://www.youtube.com/user/tippexperience/custom
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Old 06-29-2012, 12:23 PM   #7
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DEER CAMP


Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many
years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down
and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can
they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood
gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your
wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I
was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am.

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Old 06-29-2012, 12:26 PM   #8
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The boy and the farmer.....

A farmer was working in his field one day when he saw a little boy walking towards town.
The farmer asked him, " what do you have there?"
The boy replied, "A bull frog, I'm going into town to trade it for a bull."
The farmer replied "good luck with that." and the boy kept walking.
An hour later the boy returned leading a bull.

The next day the farmer saw the boy walking waving a stick around.
The farmer again asked "what do you have there?"
The boy replied, "a puzzy willow........."
The farmer replied, "let me grab my hat and I'll go with you".

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Old 06-29-2012, 01:06 PM   #9
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Ed and Bill moved to Mexico to open a bungee-jumping business. On the first day, they offered a demonstration to spur the locals to open their wallets. Bill attached the cord to his ankle and dove off the tower. He soared toward the crowd and then sprang back up. When Bill got near the top, Ed noticed his friend's clothes were torn. The next time he popped up, Bill had a few small scrapes, and the third time he was bruised and bleeding. Finally, he came to a stop and staggered up the ladder.

"What happened to you?" Ed asked.

"I don't know," Bill answered, "but what the hell is a pinata?"
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Old 06-29-2012, 01:35 PM   #10
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AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE......

A lonely Widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
Husband Wanted,
Must be in my age group (70's),
Must not beat me, must not run around on me,
Must still be good in bed!!!
All Applicants, please apply in person.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ..... You have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted, 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I.'
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:42 AM   #11
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This was written by a black guy in
Texas and is so funny………a great sense
of humor and creative thinking!!!


When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folk......

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us COLORED Folks?
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:49 AM   #12
steampunk c1
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Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.


A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT,
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE
BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British
Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.

And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
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Old 06-30-2012, 11:37 AM   #13
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Those Crazy Brits........

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Old 06-30-2012, 03:50 PM   #14
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BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Old 06-30-2012, 10:26 PM   #15
skeew
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Default Two Tickets

Two guys are sitting at a bar having a drink and one says "i've got to tell an embarrasing story on myself...I went to pick up some airline tickets and the agent had a HUGH set of knockers.....What i meant to say was" I'm here to pick up two tickets to Pittsbutg"...What came out was " I'm here to pick up two pickets to Tittsburg"

An older gent sitting nearby said " A similar thing happened to me this morniing at the breakfast table..." What I meant to say was "Honey...would you please pass the sugar"....But what came out was..../" You fXXking CXnt...You're ruining my life"
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Old 07-01-2012, 04:15 PM   #16
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Kids Questions......

Click the image to open in full size.

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,

'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.

'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’

‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds . . . .

And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you!'


Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 07-01-2012 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 07-01-2012, 09:18 PM   #17
Railroadman
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Kerrmudgeon, I showed the wife the Rules of BBQ. She gave me a puzzled look and said "I thought you said it was a JOKE!?!"
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Old 07-01-2012, 09:18 PM
 
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