Kerrmudgeon

IS WE KIN?........

Two good ol' boys in a Missouri trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

________________________ ________________________



You're An EXTREME Redneck When......

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

__________________________ __________________________



The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets.....

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you much any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG, which is GOD spelled backwards.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well. They have lost their humility.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will also be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to also be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat . . .

didn't give a **** one way or the other.


________________________________ ______________________________


A husband took his wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the
dance floor - breakdancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down....."



Her husband says: "Looks like he's still fk'ing celebrating!!!

________________________________ _____________________________



SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's ***** and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

_____________________________ _____________________________


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

_________________________________;jester ______________________________



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ***-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

_________________________________ _________________________________




PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER


ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT


Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file.
It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years.
It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years.
And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullsh1t!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my
address.

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for fk sakes.
I just want to go and park my azz on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day?
Nooooo, that would require planning and organization.
And it would be too logical for the government.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off.
Then, we have to find some a-hole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile... Hey, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pizzed off!


Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776.
I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.
However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor....... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

AND YOU PEOPLE WANT TO RUN OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM!?

_______________________________ __________________________________



_

steampunk c1

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his

7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy. -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa, it was really boring. We didn't see a single *******, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ***, liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, *******, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

steampunk c1

The Irish Bic Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

steampunk c1

Do you feel jealous????





Please drink and drive



I really need a fresh cellmate



Love



BUBBA

steampunk c1

t: the blonde and the cow

To:



A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

steampunk c1

Not in the Olympic spirit ....]



I see the Romanians have taken Gold, Silver and Bronze ..............

and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands on!!

-----------------------------------
The Sailing results are in.
Team GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
-----------------------------------------------------
I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if they
could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.
--------------------------------------------------------

Said by the Beach Volleyball commentator this evening:

"I've seen the Brazilians". Considering how little the players wear, I'm not
surprised.

--------------------------------------------------------
Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing ... it's the same basic movement as ironing!
---------------------------------------------------------

Due to the G4S debacle there will be armed soldiers at the Olympic venues, and unarmed ones at the Paralympics.

---------------------------------------------------------

The P in Phelps is silent - just like the pee in pool.

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

one from Bill Schmit......



Mother of all Jihadist Jokes

This is so tasteless, it cries out to be shared!

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides..

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair
when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have
been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first
started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . .







"Yes, they blow up so quickly"....

Curvette1

MrPbody

ooohhh ohhh. can I play?
.
The 100 MPH Goat


Two Oklahoma hunters are out hunting,
and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"

MrPbody

TheLone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.



The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival YOU will be executed in three days..

"Before I kill you, I grant you three request. "What is your FIRST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.


As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits ......he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.


Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous


brunette, more attractive than the blonde.


She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief Is again impressed
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to The Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye


and says,
"READ MY LIPS!!!!"


FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...

"BRING POSSE"

Kerrmudgeon

At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me, So I'm reminding you, too. Don't laugh.... It is all true!


Perks of reaching 50 Or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond!


1. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.


2. In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.


3. No one expects you to run --
Anywhere.


4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'


5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.


6. There is nothing left To learn the hard way.


7. Things you buy now Won't wear out.


8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM.


9.. You can live without sex But not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments About pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits As a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room.


13. You sing along With elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get Much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists Than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends Because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to A manageable size.


19. You can't remember Who sent you this list.


And you notice these are all In big print For your convenience.

AND......
Never, NEVER, NEVER , Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on The same night!