Friday Funny ?
10-12-2012, 01:51 PM
#1
Instructor
Thread Starter
Friday Funny ?
Before you order a drink in public you should read this.
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could define a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
A WOMAN’S DRINK AND WHO SHE IS
Drink:Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink:Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink:Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......
Drink:Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink:White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is......this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, but be careful not to make her mad!
Drink:Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
MAN DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could define a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
A WOMAN’S DRINK AND WHO SHE IS
Drink:Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink:Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink:Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......
Drink:Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink:White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is......this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, but be careful not to make her mad!
Drink:Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
MAN DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
10-12-2012, 03:32 PM
#2
Team Owner
Member Since: Feb 2009
Location: Nearby Mayberry in NC
Posts: 21,298
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Crowd Plow For Now
I knew it, I knew it!!!
I knew they would release the ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
I knew they would release the ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
10-13-2012, 06:59 AM
#4
Burning Brakes
Fifty Shades of Grey Hair”
The missus bought a paperback
At Whitcoulls, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said…
That I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris ,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought Oh what the hell,
Stepped forward,.and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
The missus bought a paperback
At Whitcoulls, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said…
That I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris ,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought Oh what the hell,
Stepped forward,.and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
10-13-2012, 07:01 AM
#5
Burning Brakes
Sent from my iPhone
A blonde walks into a bank
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
“Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blonde walks into a bank
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
“Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
10-13-2012, 07:04 AM
#6
Burning Brakes
Medical examination..........
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her clothes.....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her clothes.....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
10-13-2012, 07:06 AM
#7
Burning Brakes
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .....
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'.. . .. replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . ... .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST?
Baby's First Doctor Visit
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .....
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco
2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'.. . .. replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . ... .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST?
Baby's First Doctor Visit
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
10-14-2012, 06:04 AM
#11
Drifting
friday funnies
'After a nite hanging with my Corvette buddies I came home to a dark empty house. On the refrigerator door there was a note from my wife-
"Its not working. I cant take it anymore. Ive gone back to my Mother's."
I open the refrigerator door, the light comes on, I feel the beer which is ice cold.
What the hell is she talking about?
"Its not working. I cant take it anymore. Ive gone back to my Mother's."
I open the refrigerator door, the light comes on, I feel the beer which is ice cold.
What the hell is she talking about?
10-14-2012, 11:29 AM
#12
Race Director
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: Canada's capital
Posts: 19,777
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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
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Sorry about being AWOL guys, but I picked up a virus here that wasn't caught until I scanned. 3 days in a row! Computer slowed down almost to a stop. 
I let them know....seems to be alright now.I wasn't risking it for the FOURTH time!!
See you next week......I hope, but feel free to start it anytime I'm late.
I let them know....seems to be alright now.I wasn't risking it for the FOURTH time!!
See you next week......I hope, but feel free to start it anytime I'm late.