Kerrmudgeon

Let's get an early start so we don't interrupt all you crazy shoppers.

THE BLONDES ARE BACK!


A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor.. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'

'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor..

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos......
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
Blondes Are The Best!!!

__________________________ __________________________

a little introspection from Bill Schmit on Thanksgiving....


HEY, WASN'T THIS US?

A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.

We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favorite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.

Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?

The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.
The mailman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."

There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.

One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.
The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a nickel, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.

With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey look, guys, THAT WAS US!,

________________________________ _______________________________

Geezer problems....

An old man was asked, "At your age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

He answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of Whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

_______________________________ _______________________________

Kerrmudgeon

AAADD............


KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Associated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm.

I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.

They need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote
someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs..

But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers.
Quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

________________________ ______________________


Definition of Handsome

A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of the educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.

_____________________________ ________________________________

steampunk c1

BOB & THE BLONDE:




Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.


The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.







The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."


The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"




Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."




Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.

steampunk c1

A conversation in heaven



BETTY:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Betty. How'd you die?

BETTY:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

BETTY:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

BETTY::
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died.

BETTY::
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive

steampunk c1

The first Christmas joke - and it is Scottish,










A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her..”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!

They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

steampunk c1

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the
Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. Iraq and Iran are
totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing
help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food
crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.


God Bless GREAT BRITAIN !
Damn! Those Brits are smart!

steampunk c1

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
Â
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'




Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

steampunk c1

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table.

After that, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'

steampunk c1

A great lesson on Stress


A young lady confidently walked around the room while explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...

She fooled them all ...... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So , as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on..

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance..

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

ricks327

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's
only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes and start having sex.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, 'till ya shined that light in her face."

ricks327

Josh and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club. They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a par 4 with a deep valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both ***** are within a foot of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf ***** are Titleist #4s.

Josh and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf ***** are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Josh and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out." "This is the Polish Country Club Championship and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball." "After all, we are tied for the lead."

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titleist golf *****. He then looks up at them and says, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?

ricks327

The "New", New Math

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school):
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2010:
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

out2kayak

Cheers,

-- Joe

out2kayak

-- Joe

Kerrmudgeon

Offending equally.....

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Pedophiles you can go right to He11' '

9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ……….''And take this deaf bastard with you''



A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last week.

After sharing it between members of his family they each walked away with $4.50.





The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the azz”

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first ?





Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''

Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you''

Other son said ''Me too Dad''

Dad said **** me doesn't anyone in this family like Puzzy.

Daughter said ''I do''





A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday.

Police are still trying to find a motive.





The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my puzzy and you know what that means don't you''

I said ''Yeah the damn drain is blocked again''.





Dear Abbie.

I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out.

I had just finished and was wiping my **** on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door.

She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word.

Is she a pervert?





In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath ? Answer. Throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said ''I don’t find that very funny.

My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fit's''.

I said '' Sorry mate did he drown?''

“No” he said ……….'' he choked on a sock''!

oldsarge

The teacher asked the students to use the word "dictate" in a sentence.
Buckwheat, in the back put up his hand.
The teacher, a little reluctant, asked him to give the class his sentence.
Buckwheat stood up and said;
Hey Darla, how did my dictate last night ?

ricks327

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins, but remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough,take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

steampunk c1

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a *****."

steampunk c1

U Speaka Da English?
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

steampunk c1

Newlywed Rednecks
A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon.

The manager greets them and says "I see you're newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal".

To which the husband replies "No thanks, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hange of it !"