Kerrmudgeon

Out of the mouths of babes.....

A Priest was presenting a special children's mass to the congregation. During the message, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's mass is crucial, but at the same time, asking the children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The Priest called on him and the little boy said, "All I know is that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for mass to be continued.




Isn't love grand......

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'




here's a classic......

Your Duck is Dead!!A good story! For anybody who's had some tests at the doctor's office lately...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."








An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site........,



noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers;

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused..

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

Kerrmudgeon

This isn't really a joke, but it sure takes me back........

http://oldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm

steampunk c1

3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit

Worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to

Send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions

Of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said

Nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the

Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for

Her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and

The card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's

Cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly

Embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,

Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card

Finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “..

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,

And finally found the ad for Air NZ.



'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

steampunk c1

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of ********* saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist berks. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the **** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.
**************************************** **************************************** **********************

The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers ........ so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

**************************************** **************************************** **********************
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... and then I saw her face
**************************************** **************************************** **********************

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting 'paedo' and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
**************************************** **************************************** **********************

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
**************************************** **************************************** **********************

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
**************************************** **************************************** **********************
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird
who doesn't gobble anymore..
**************************************** **************************************** **********************
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your ***** or getting your bloody tee ready!
**************************************** **************************************** **********************
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*stard, I was talking to the cat!'

steampunk c1

Irish Road Accident



Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat.... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street ......'

steampunk c1

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips..



He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch
thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.



'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about
you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

steampunk c1

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A government minister was seated next to a
little girl on an aeroplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to
talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her
book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the politician. "How about
global warming, fast broadband or the Refugee situation?" he said, smiling
smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics
but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose
that is?"


The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical Labor wisdom "Hmmm,
I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you
don't know **** ?"


Then she went back to reading her book.

steampunk c1

My First Condom





I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at my Chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Marion ) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few seconds.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the **** out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

steampunk c1

Adult Riddles ~

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and re-sell it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their ***** are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have ***** to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.

Live well, laugh hard, & love dearly!

steampunk c1

DATING IN THE 60s

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?

Lemonade? tea?'

'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'

64Corvette

vic z

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests came back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,


"He's pissing in the fridge again!"

Railroadman

It's no fun being out of state 3 or 4 weeks - I have to look through a LOT of Friday Funnies to be sure I'm not posting a dupe from while I was gone!


A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment and asks for black bras, size 38 D. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty black bras, size 38D.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 D bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!

Shultzie

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

oldgoat99

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I 've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Are we clear?

tperkins

Urology Surgery

When I first noticed that my ***** was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.

But... After several weeks, my ***** had grown fifty centimeters (about 19.5 inches).

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

toddalin

OK guys, this one is original. It occured to me just the other day why snowmen have round bottoms.

When I was listening to the weather report, the announcer said that they expected 8 - 10 inches of snow in the local mountains.

With a round bottom, you can make a snowman without a foot of snow on the ground.

(Remember, you saw it here first.)

Curvette1

** Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.* * 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.Another boy came riding along the road on his...bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...' * They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.*
*

Curvette1

Geography of a Woman
> >
> > Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered,
> > half wild,
> > fertile and naturally Beautiful!
> >
> >
> >
> > Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed
> > and open to
> > trade, especially for someone of real value.
> >
> >
> > Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed
> > and
> > convinced of her own beauty.
> >
> >
> > Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but
> > still a
> > warm and desirable place to visit.
> >
> Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a
> > glorious and
> > all conquering past.
> >
> >
> > Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through
> > war,
> > doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of
> > business.
> >
> >
> > Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving,
> > but open
> > to meeting new people.
> >
> >
> > After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a
> > mysterious past
> > and the wisdom of the ages.An adventurous spirit and a
> > thirst for
> > spiritual knowledge.
> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
> >
> >
> > Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran,
> > ruled by a pair of nuts.
> >
> > THE END.

out2kayak

Heck of a door to door sales man:




-- Joe