Kerrmudgeon

Not a lot in the old "in box" this week guys, so it's up to all you other jokers.....
________________________________________ __________


This from Bill Schmit. Not real funny, but enlightening for sure.


APHORISMS:.....



[SHORT, POINTED SENTENCES THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH ]

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . .. and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.

_________________________

...from Stewy (down unda)


_________________________________


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
Asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
With milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my *****. I can splash it on my eyes."

_______________________________

....More about blonds

Did you hear about the blonde woman they found dead in a bath tub full of milk?
It also had a lot of sliced bananas, and blue berries in it...







They think she was a victim of a cereal killer

____________________________

steampunk c1

bject: FW: Jesus knows you're here





From

Another oldie, but still gets a smile......




Jesus knows you're here...love this...you will too! NOT what you expect!


A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for

the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.




'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird..

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'

steampunk c1

Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes "Horribly Wrong"

Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes "Horribly Wrong"







Written by Nick Houldsworth

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Mr Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham Crown Court, receiving a 5 year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a 'Dutch Oven' that went, as the Judge described it, 'horribly, horribly wrong'.
The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.

Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried what is commonly known on the street as a 'Dutch Oven', and even then only after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side football, about 'doing it' to their wives 'all the time'.



They argued that Mr Flannery had miscalculated two crucial factors which led to the tragic outcome. The first being Mrs Flannery's military tucking in of the 600 weight cotton sheets when she made the bed that morning, which created a near airtight seal . Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees, eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery's face, came in at around 6 litres gas of 95% methane by volume.

During sentencing, the judge, The Hon Dame Roberts, said, "I accept that you did not intend that your wife should die in this manner, and I note both your grief and regret, which is why I will suspend your sentence on the grounds of time already served. Nonetheless, the conviction remains, in the hope that you will be an example to other husbands and boyfriends across the UK, and a ray of light to their long suffering wives and girlfriends, that this frankly gross, and often dangerous practice can no longer be taken lightly, or risk facing such tragic consequences as you have."

Outside the court, an emotional and weary Mr Flannery said, "I am truly very sorry for what I did to my wife, and living with the guilt of what I done is punishment enough. I just hope that others will learn from my mistake. I swear, I will never, ever fart in a woman's face again. At least, not in private."

Tweet

steampunk c1

For some of you this may be too late for others take precautions
FLU SEASON



To avoid it....
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.


Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.


Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


Get plenty of rest.

OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol....

Why?


Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio...(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)


The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ***!'

steampunk c1

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm ********'!!

steampunk c1

A Canadian and an Kiwi were hunting in Canadian woods when a
Australian runs across the field and the Canadian shoots him in the back and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Kiwi. "No, no, it's legal here in Canada " replies the Canadian. Later that night the Kiwi goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then a Australian runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Kiwi thinks "No worries mate" and he shoots him in the back and kills him. As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot Australian's here in Canada !" protests the Kiwi. "Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

steampunk c1

I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

I'm not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people.

You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast

When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!

It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?

Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

"Relationship" has 12 letters but then again so does "Time For Shots"

What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger

Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways

I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don't want to lower the bar.

Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems.

Two midgets walk into a mini-bar.

You lost me at "non-alcoholic"

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover.

Kerrmudgeon

Wrong answer......

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, "If I were to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?"......never giver her two names.

______________________________


Best father of the bride speech ever....

Kerrmudgeon

Gettin some....

A guy is talking to his buddy, and tells him "I was taking a walk last night, and found a girl tied to the railroad tracks".
His buddy asked "what did you do"?
"Well, I untied her, took her back to my place, and screwed her all night long".
Buddy says "Cool...did you get a *******"?
Guy says "Nah...I never did find her head".

Railroadman

The Little Wooden Ball...

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened IF he had swallowed that little ball??

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Railroadman

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.”

“I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“Why do you say that?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

Railroadman

Went for an interview in a warehouse today.

The foreman said, " Can you make coffee?"

I said "yes, I can make coffee."

He said " Can you drive a forklift?"

I said "Geez, how big is the coffee pot?"

Railroadman

ROCK AND ROLL:

SWC Tim

Sorry,
I am 65 ( nearly 66 ) and don't get this one. But had a good laugh @ Carlisle when I told the guys that I bought a locking gas cap for $15 when I went to the "wrong of town " to buy cocaine and did not have to worry about the gas being syphoned
Tim

Kerrmudgeon

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"

GEM '62

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While drinking his beer, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'I want to order that!

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are called Cojones de Toro, the ********* from the bull that lost at the bull fight this afternoon. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor, you do not understand. There is only one serving per week because there eez only one bull fight each Saturday and there is a waiting leest, the next opening is in 5 weeks. The cowboy returned in five weeks, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve Last month.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor, but you must understand. "Dee bull, he does not always loose."

Railroadman

Kerrmudgeon

And, on the last day.....

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.......One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, all of the women reported to St. Peter, and the men formed two lines. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed.
Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, and asked, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Kerrmudgeon

TEXAS SECRET TO A LONG LIFE.....

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY .....UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND ....



A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

maxgood

Why Retirees dont do well at Job Interviews




Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness ?"




Retiree: "Honesty."




Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness




Retiree: "I don't really give a shi*t what you think."