Kerrmudgeon

Two men in a bar......

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
Drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:


"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
Building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the
Building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back
Into the window."


The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar,
But says nothing.


The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that
Could happen!"


"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."


He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
Street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
Around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the
Elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.


"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time
Fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"


"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just
As his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently
Carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the
Elevator back to the bar.


Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try
It.


"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward -
Rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ....his body hits the
Sidewalk with a loud "splat."


Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to
The first drinker, and shakes his head. He says,


"You know, Superman, you're a real azzhole when you're drunk."

__________________________

I've heard this before, but it's pretty funny......

Tiger joke

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

_______________________________

A few quotes from a funny lady....they don't make 'em like this anymore...



Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

_________________________

Railroadman

Do you know what happened 163 years ago this summer....
September 9, 1850?

California became a state!

The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except,
then the women had real *****
and the men didn't hold hands.

Curvette1

An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.....

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whisky.....?


4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks u

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a


Blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.



But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.


And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a Skirt-chasing womanizer.'


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.



The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..


With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.


'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.



'He's gonna run for Congress!'

Curvette1

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, ONE OF THE MOST WORRY SOME IN YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.......... It means 75% are running around untreated!

65 fi

---


A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him
later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage
and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
__._,_.___
.
__,_._,___

jlagarde

Love stories with happy endings


http://www.fromthetrenchesworldrepor...e-missed/27275

Railroadman

The following shamelessly stolen from Off Topic section - too funny not to share here:



Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club ….

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card ….

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"I'm in trouble again," I told her. "I signed up for five jumps a week!" ….

She fainted ….

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun !!!

jimh_1962

Being from Norcal thats offensive! The gunfights do not happen on the streets... Rather it happens on the freeways.

mgafun

Westlotorn

What did the Bra say to the Hat?????????

You go on a head, I will give these two a lift.

Kerrmudgeon

know wot am sayin?.....

Panties On A Plane

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for
the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on
sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied,
'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up

in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe
resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.' 'Wot?
No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties, cos, honey,
dey always look for da Black Box first.

ricks327

Bees & Golf



A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Frank saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

Kerrmudgeon

This isn't a joke, but an actual Craig's List ad for a 1997 Jeep. BTW, it was taken down by CL for some reason!

pretty darn funny read.....


1997 Jeep Cherokee (XJ)
220K Miles
4.0 L in-line 6
4WD
AUTOMATIC Transmission
Bright Red
Straight Stock
Crank Windows, no cruise, no tilt, no delay wiper, no nonsense
POWER MIRRORS! Woo Hoo!

$1750

Here's the deal, kids:
This is a Jeep Cherokee. This is not a luxury SUV, or a maintenance-free disposable import. It has solid front axles, wind noise, and character.
It's a Jeep. It rides like a Jeep. It drives like a Jeep. All of these are GOOD things.
It is not new, it is not pristine, it is used. This will be apparent in the pictures.


If you do not own a toolbox, have never changed your own oil, and are scared of firearms: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you have been posting on facebook all about how excited you are for pumpkin latte season: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you get offended easy and often, whine to your co-workers, and bitch a lot: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you feel you are owed anything in the world & have a ******** job where you fail to produce: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you own a bieber album, white oakleys, affliction t-shirts, or those candy-assed stitched-pocket jeans: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.
If you consider the 2nd Amendment an anachronistic relic and have never owned a firearm: THIS VEHICLE IS NOT FOR YOU.


If, however, you have ***** OF STEEL and consider adverse weather an excuse to do stupid ****: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.
Do you laugh at danger, and tempt fate?
Have you ever uttered the words, "Hold my beer and watch this ..."?
While bored at work do you pick targets at random and think, "I could hit that from here with the .22 ..."?
Have any of your friends quit hanging out because you were too much fun?
Do you have the number of a friend with cash memorized for bail?
When you pass an abandoned flatbed farm truck along a fenceline do you consider taking on another project?
Is your ol' lady really sick of the random piles of parts, greasy footprints, and empty beer bottles in the garage?
-could you not care less?
Do you have Jalopnik saved on your laptop AND smartphone?
Do you own a service manual for every vehicle you ever owned?
Do you still miss your first ride?
Can you carry on a two hour conversation discussing tools, scars, and hi-lift jacks?
Remember when tool companies had the ***** to put half-naked beauty queens on their calendars?
Do you consider the Prius an abominable affront to the Gods of displacement, torque, and All Mighty Internal Combustion?


If you answered in the affirmative to the preceding: THIS IS YOUR JEEP.

DETAILS:
-I am the second owner. First owner barely got it dirty and engaged the front axles once.
-I have remedied this excessive caretaking with muddy roads and a pile of fun.
-The motor uses a little oil. How much? I don't know, I'm not collecting statistical analysis points.
I check the oil, I fill the oil, I drive. Not enough to bother me.
-It leaks a little oil. How much? Not enough for me to care. It has 220,000 miles, Poindexter!
If you have a vehicle with 220K NOT leaking or burning oil, it's empty!
-Rear bumper has a big-*** crease in it. I dented it backing into a concrete pole. Sober.
We drove away giggling, for the record. Haven't fixed it.
-Driver's side door was caught by the wind, whipped forward, got into the LF quarter panel.
-Radiator has a small leak. Pinhole. I can replace the radiator or you can. Really doesn't matter
A new radiator and hoses will run $145. If you don't want to replace them I will.
Add $250 to the price of vehicle. This includes radiator, hoses, and labor (beer). A freaking bargain.
-The badass little 4.0L bullet-proof in-line six starts and runs like the proverbial champ.
-Tranny and 4WD operate perfectly
-Tires will need replaced in a couple thousand miles. I haven't upgraded because I had plans:
Had planned a small lift, upgrade to 17" Wrangler wheels, and more aggressive tires.
Life got in the way - it ain't happening.
-Zombie stickers on the right rear window stay. My daughter's idea, take it up with her.
-Flogging Molly sticker stays as well. They kick ***, so there.

QUESTIONS:
-Why are you selling?
I can't justify owning it anymore. Motorsickles, kiddos, work, travel, and beer have consumed my time and money.
Someone else needs to appreciate the Jeep for what it is: awesome mechanical artistry.

-What's wrong with it?
Radiator. Small oil leaks. Driver's side door cosmetic issues.
And it's pissed it has been neglected and parked. It needs rescued.

-Does the 4WD work?
Hell yes. Like a Dickensian Orphan.

-Will you sell me the [engine / tranny / rear door / axle / etc.]?
No. I'm not in the salvage business. Buy the Jeep. Love the Jeep. Give the Jeep a home.

-Will you take [insert ridiculously stupid low number here]?
No. If I wanted [ridiculously low number] I would have asked [ridiculously low number]
Want a cheap car? Get your kid that lowered tuner piece of crap honda project down the road.
I think I'm plenty cheap for this bad ****.

-Why is it still stock?
Because I bought it for a daily driver with the intention of turning it into a project.
I haven't had the time to do so. So I am selling it.

-Can I put a 6" lift and giant tires on it?
I don't give a ****. But be sure to use quality components and for God's sake - get it aligned after a lift!

-Would this make a good car for my daughter?
Hell. Yes. Not only a good car, a learning experience. Introduction to vehicular maintenance.
Additionally, there isn't really enough room in the back for that little bastard she's dating to try anything.

-Can you deliver?
Within reason. I'd drive it a hundred miles or so. But really, you should come get it. Look it over. Have a beer. Etc.

-Will you take a check / cashier's check / Western Union Transfer / Nigerian Promissory Note?
Would you take a ball pein hammer to the forehead?
No. I'll take Cash. Period. Bring cash or don't show.

-Will you ship to -?
No. See above.

-No, really, all I have is [lowball dollar amount]?
That's great, I don't give a fk. Unicef ain't running this deal, and until they do I want $1750.
Why? Because I don't HAVE to sell this little beauty. Truth be known, I'd rather keep it.
But if it's going to a good home - I will sell. Unless you're an azzhole - then no sale.

-Why are you such a dick?
Everything is relative; you should see my friends.

Any other questions, feel free to reply to this email and ask.

Kerrmudgeon

One for Stewy and that Kiwi guy .......

How tough are Australian men?....

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head offind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his *****.

Railroadman

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

Railroadman

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden.

“I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”

“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”

“OK,” said the lad, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”

Railroadman

While crossing the U.S.-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by an agent who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?” asked the border agent.

“Sand,” said the cyclist.

“Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the agent.

The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags and, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the border agent happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

“Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, he said. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling?”

“Bicycles!”

Ratfinkharley

Little boy walks into an ice cream palor. "I'll have a double cone, vanilla and chocolate."

The girl behind the counter says, "I'm sorry, we are out of chocolate."

"Then I'll have strawberry and chocolate." the boy replies.

"We are out of chocolate."

The boy ponders for a moment and asks for "blueberry and chocolate."

The girl says, "you look like a smart boy. Can you spell the van in vanilla."

"V A N" replies the boy.

"Can you spell the straw in strawberry?"

"S T R A W"

"Now can you spell the F in chocolate?"

The boy replies, "There is no f in chocolate"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"