Kerrmudgeon

A Husband is Down in Aisle 5!!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."



That's him on Aisle 5. (his name is Frank)

________________________


If you are a senior
You will understand this one;
If you deal with seniors,
This should help you understand them
A little better,
And if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant
Where the 'seniors' special' was
Two eggs, bacon, hash browns
And toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49
Because you're ordering a la carte,'
The waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for
Not taking the eggs?'
My wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress..
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?'
The waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home
And baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around
The block more than once!

____________________________



Alas, where has all our innocence gone? Children......

While I sat in the reception area
of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man
in a wheelchair into the room. As she went
to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
small talk with him, a little boy slipped off
his mother's lap and walked over to
the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, I know how you feel. My
mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing
my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed
before, she was intrigued and full of all
kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling
one day with my eight-year-old
granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little
wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want
to be with your friends and you won't go
walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do
now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be
too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric
nurse, I had the difficult assignment
of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's
not polite behavior.' With that, the girl
yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank
you!

******

On the way back from a Cub
Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?' After my
son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally
spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't
know the answer.'

*****

Just before I
was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old
son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm
going to be away for a long time,' I told
him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he
asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, That's the man who made this camp
possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

... and my personal favorite ....God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied
by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at
the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

______________________________

The hitman.....

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in
there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so
just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . .
"I think I can save ya a grand here."

________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Have you ever wondered how we made it through childhood???

Kerrmudgeon

For those of you that appreciate raw British humour you can't beat Mrs. Brown's boys.......
(not safe for work....coarse language)

Kerrmudgeon

A Man Brings His Best Buddy

....home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

_______________________


AGE IS A WONDERFUL THING


ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a
long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"

_____________________________________

SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."

_____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a
few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they
went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,
did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You
could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

__________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Old advertisements you would NEVER find today....

myred63

many of you have seen this before, but for those of you that have not,
enjoy!

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy

ricks327

Talking about old ads, I wonder how certain political leaning people would think of this old Roy Rogers ad. It's a short TV ad.
Rick

Curvette1

Weather

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. She said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the North wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.

Kerrmudgeon

Blondes vs. Corvettes

What's the difference between a blonde and a corvette?

You don't lend the corvette out to your friends.

Kerrmudgeon

Maxine on driving!

Railroadman

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

Railroadman

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

“Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”

“I don’t want to go, Mom.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”

“OK. The kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready,” admonished the mother.

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school,” whined the son.

“Well, for one, you’re 52-years-old. And for another, you’re the principal!”

Railroadman

An oldie but still funny:

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a small boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a an itty bitty youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and whispered, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

Railroadman

Two friends left the bar to relieve themselves. The one looked down at the other next to him and remarked, "My goodness, you're not very well endowed in that area, are you?" "No," his friend responded, "It's always been an embarrassment to me. When I was a teenager the other kids would poke fun at me in the shower after a ball game."

"You should go and see a friend of mine, Dr. Cutham," he said, "He's very discreet, and I think he can help you. He helped me when I had a similar problem."

So the friend went to see Dr. Cutham, who advised him to have a transplant.

Two months later the same two friends left the bar and were relieving themselves, when the one looked down and said to the other, "I see you've been to see Dr. Cutham." "Yes, I have," he responded, "He was very helpful."

"Are you happy with his work?" asked the first. "Absolutely," said his friend, "It's everything I ever dreamed about."

"I'm so glad that you're satisfied," said the first, "It's my old one..."

Railroadman

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

ricks327

A man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver, Colorado and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

"The weekly salary is $937.50, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good grief... is that where the job is?"

"No, Sir, That's where the end of the line is right now!"

ricks327

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.


One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99

Clinton : Cost - $29.99


Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton : Over 3 hours to read


Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton : Bill is a ******** artist.


Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton : Ditto for Bill



Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton : Ditto for Monica.


Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton : Let's not go there.


Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.


Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.


Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.


Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Kerrmudgeon

Worth the money

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"

out2kayak

Read to the end for the answers.

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May, what was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers, what does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why?

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?











The Answers

1. Johnny

2. Meat

3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

4. There is no dirt in a hole.

5. Incorrectly

6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. Same as is it now - Barack Obama

9. You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.