Kerrmudgeon

Not too much in the old inbox this week, but I'll start it off for you guys.
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A blonde, a matress, and a Ford......

Not really a joke but an interesting TRUE story!
A Blonde ran over a mattress on the highway, and decided not to worry -- and kept on driving.
It caught on the undercarriage of her Ford.

The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank.

The Subsequent Lack Of Fuel Is What Finally Brought Her Vehicle To Its Knees.

She Had Still Managed To Drive 30 More Miles With A 60-Pound Tangle of Stuff Wrapped Around Her Drive Shaft.

She Had it Towed To Her Ford Dealership And Complained That The Vehicle Had A "Sort Of Shimmy"
When She Was Driving At High Speeds.

Below Are The Photos Of What They Found At Her Ford Dealership...

The Last Photo Is By Far The Best.

"Sort Of A Shimmy" -- I'll Bet It Did!







Is This Just The Best Blonde Story Or What?
The Ford Mechanics Still Can't Believe Their Eyes.
And Still Wondering How To Remove It!

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Actual name of Chinese restaurant in England.......



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A Norwegian Math Test --- This only works for those in Minnna soda , Nort DaKoda, or Viskonsin dont cha know!

Ole, a Norwegian fella, wants a job, but the foreman doesn't want to hire him, so he says he won't hire
him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers,
represent the number 9.'

'Witout numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

What's this?' the boss asks.

Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent
the number 99.'

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go!'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'You must be from Iowa. Each of Da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.
Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'



The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Norwegian winces and shakes his head. UFF-DAH! you must be a Finlander from Iowa; he leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !!
So, ven do I start?



Verks for me.

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plaidside

WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Kerrmudgeon

A little Herman for a cold January morning!

Kerrmudgeon

Maxine on the weather......

ricks327

Oldie but still funny, especially the last one.


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . '

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab. I rushed out and raised her dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,

San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths' . . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,

Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart'.

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one?' . .. The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,

Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . 'So ho's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can ' t seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil pack that read 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,

Detroit


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.

I was quite embarrassed when performing female

pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment

I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
'I'm sorry Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .

'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit


This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist', the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.

'I know', she said, 'I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came.'

ricks327

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Railroadman

Subject: Beer warning

Police warn all single men, party-goers and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. Click here to E-mail this warning to a friend.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow pages.

GEM '62

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Vetteman Jack

Thanks for the laughs.

66jack

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
With a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked:
'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave

me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
Coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
Said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
Shopping trip placed the groceries on the kitchen
Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
Of all places, the living room. She entered that
Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
Downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
Like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the hell are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football
with my Son-in-law.'

Kerrmudgeon

Check List Complete for Opening Day of Deer Season:

I scouted the area all summer.
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand.
I set it all up a month ahead of time.
I trailed the herd and I picked out a trophy buck.
Two days before opening day I rechecked everything.
Everything was in place.


Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . . . I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand. This was destined to be an epic hunt.


As I approached my deer stand.....
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. . I changed my mind and went to church!

MAD IN NC

January 25 is today! And that means Burns Suppers will be taking place all over the world over the next week. There are a few key elements to any good Burns Supper, so if you are planning to host one this year, read on for some tips on making sure the party goes with a bang.

During the meal – normally a combination of haggis, neeps (turnip) and tatties (potatoes) – it’s important to celebrate the life and the great works of the Scottish poet.

One of the key things to remember is that one of the guests – not the host – should make the Immortal Memory speech about Burns' life and works. The host should then thank the speaker, and may make his own comments and observations.

It’s also important to include a Toast to the Lasses; this is made by one of the male guests, and is traditionally used to thank the women (the “lassies” or “lasses”) who painstakingly prepared the meal before them. The host may even wish to make his own comment on the fairer sex too!

A toast is made to the health of the women present, and in response – if present – the women will then speak, giving their comments on the men, which is often a rather funny part of the evening.

As well as the speeches, readings and toasts already carried out, more Burns poems may be sung or read, with favourites often including To A Mouse.

Scottish country dancing often follows, which allows everyone the chance to mingle with the guests at the event, and the evening comes to a close when the host calls upon another guest to offer thanks.

At this point in the night the guests then join hands to sing Auld Lang Syne.




How to make Haggis

http://columbusfoodadventures.com/20...h-step-by-step



During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track and field coaches, named Charlie, was entertaining some friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs, the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.

Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.

He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.

"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied.

Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"





A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".




>Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? <Because wool gets caught in the zipper




A Scotsman named Bill finally makes his fortune, retired and is having his dream house built. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time.'

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.'

The architect could hardly believe his ears, 'That's incredible, what did her mother say?'

To which the Scotsman replies, 'Baaaaaa.''




A Londoner was visiting a Highland region and a local shepherd were tending sheep in the mountains when they came across an ewe with her head caught in a fence. The shepherd dropped his trousers, got down on his knees and had his way with the ewe. Satisfied, the shepherd buttoned up and turned to the Londoner. 'Fancy a go?' asked the shepherd. 'Don't mind if I do...' said the Londoner, so he drops his trousers, gets on his knees, and sticks his head in the fence..



A man comes home with a sheep under his arm and says "honey I would like you to meet the pig that I sleep with when you say you have a head ache."

His wife looks up and says you stupid moron can’t you tell the difference between a pig and a sheep.

He says "I wasn’t talking to you"





Donald: "Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: "Seen one ? I married one ! "




A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!! .

steampunk c1

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient, "One of my ***** has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his ******** removed.
"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his ******** removed.
Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other ******** must be cut off, too and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor.
"I think something is very wrong with me. My ***** is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his ***** has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, he has his ***** removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"
So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know, could it be the dye from your blue jeans?"

steampunk c1

A woman went to her doctor complaining that her husband’s sexual feelings for her seemed to have declined.
The doctor, being an old friend of the family, gave the woman some pills to slip into her husbands tea, so at least the man wouldn’t get a complex about being a bit under powered.
Two days later the woman was back in the doctors surgery.
"What happened" asked the doctor, "did the pills work?"
"Fantastic", replied the woman. "I was so eager to see their effect on my husband that I tipped three of them into a cup of coffee, and within seconds of drinking it, he got up, kicked over the table, ripped off my clothes, dragged me onto the floor and ravished me!!"
"Oh," said the doctor, I’ll hope you weren’t too surprised".
"Surprised", said the woman, "I’ll never be able to set foot in that restaurant again!"

steampunk c1

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.”

The doctor said , “I’ll have to put your pe *nis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of brea @sts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, “You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these brea @sts.”

He whips down his pants and says…
” Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”

steampunk c1

There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals”

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”

The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

steampunk c1

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.

After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”

“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”

“Why did you do that?” he asked.

“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”

“Beertits,” the man replied.

steampunk c1

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn’t like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ***.

After two hours Bob’s wife came home and asked Bob, “What are you doing?”

Bob explained and she said, “Come on… you will only freeze your *** off.”

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. “Let’s change places when Joe is looking the other way.”

Bob’s wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe’s wife came home and asked him, “What are you doing?”

Joe told her and said, “I am determined to win the bottle!”

“You are crazy. Come on in.”

“Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his ***** half an hour ago!”

steampunk c1

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love.” the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”

“With you!” he said.

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”

steampunk c1

A boss and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a “nooner.” “Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, there’s no risk.”

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”