Kerrmudgeon

I'm up late so I figured I'd start the jokefest off early today....and sleep in tomorrow!

******** ******** ******** ******** ******* *******

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the ***** trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

______________________________


Damn lawyers!




A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of
his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted right and
completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close
enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche
with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming
hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the
day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried
to make it new again, would never be the same.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief,
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your
possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed
when the truck hit you!"

"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"

________________________________

A sad story....

A man went the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dose of
Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man. 'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said:
'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
My ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
My wife is coming home on Sunday.’

"Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying: 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s
office... His right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up'.

__________________________________


Canada introduces a new Ford Escort. It's been seen doing nasty things all over Toronto.......

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*


____________________________________

66jack

davidf59

ricks327

A friend gave me a Vietnam veteran hat, I thought it was cool so...
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart.

There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the
Walmartians is always good for some comic relief.

Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.

But, enough of my psychological fixes.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early twenties, asked, "Are you a VietNam Vet?"

"No" I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that hat?"
"Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh." the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936."
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way too much fun.

"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed.
"How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!", he was really getting excited about what he was hearing.

"That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah," he gave me the "don't threaten me look." "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat.

ricks327

A woman walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'wow,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?'
'yep, they's all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'sit down terry.' all the children rush to find seats.
'well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

''well, to keep it simple, the boys is all named terry and the girls is all named terri."
in disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious? They're all named terry?'
their momma replied, 'well, yes - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school , i yell, terry! An' when it's time for dinner, i just yell terry! And they all come a running. And if i need to stop the kid who's running into the street, i just yell terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all terry.'

the social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'


'then i calls them by their last names.'

tuxnharley

Does she date NBA players................ I can just see her yelling out "Meta World Peace"...........

Railroadman

"And for our next act, please welcome, The Garbage Collectors ."
"Take it away boys."

Railroadman

What three words do you NOT want to hear when making love?

>

>

>

"Is it in?"


What three other words do you NOT want to hear when making love?

>

>

>

"Honey - I'm home!!"

Railroadman

Good News from the White House concerning Health Care


*نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره*
*ما نقش سايه** **دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت *
*نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه** **دگر نمي
دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر
رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه *
*ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش
ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا *
*نيست نقش*

If I Hear Anything Else, I'll Let You Know.

vic z

Wife "Where the hell have you been?"
You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"
"Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the
reason".
"Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
"Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. ..... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of
course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying .......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.

It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.

Wife - "********! You played 36 holes, didn't you!

MAD IN NC

Ball Point Pens…
When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion (todays inflated cost) developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.


With an average of 2.6 people per household and 136,585,712 separate tax returns filed in 2011 (355,122,851 dependents) means every US tax dependent paid $33.79 each to develop the pen.


The Russians used a pencil.


Your taxes are due again -- enjoy paying them

MAD IN NC

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."



A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"



A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?



Men's Mastercard Commercial
Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: ***PRICELESS****




Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the *****.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the *****," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"


Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks, "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night." The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night." The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"


There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"


A man was driving his 61 vette down a Canadian quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."


A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."


A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."


I comes home from a night of drinking. As I fall through the doorway, my wife snaps at me, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?" I reply, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."


A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."



A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna ****?" she asked. "You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

Railroadman

Mad in NC, that's an excellent collection there!

64Corvette

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.


The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?


He consulted his wizards and magicians One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'


The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.




But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.



The second prince brought diamonds.




He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.




The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the prince's pants?






M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

66jack

Ants


Mounds in your yard...


You might find this info useful this summer. I tried it! It works!


Buy cans of black spray paint. Stir up the ant mounds and the area around them with a stick.


Using at least 1/2 can of spray per mound, spray the mounds and areas around them.


As soon as the Ants realize they're living in a black neighborhood they quit working and start killing each other.

Kerrmudgeon

...great to see some new material.


Check these gems out......

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men
A: It changes your blood group

******

A young girl says to her boyfriend: 'You're the first man I've ever been with. Am I your first?'
'Possibly,' the boyfriend says. 'Were you in Weston-Super-Mare in 1993?'

******

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg

******

Q: How many yuppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, yuppies only do it in Jacuzzis

******

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

******

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"

******

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door."

******

A small boy is separated from his father at a football match, so he goes up to a policeman and says, "I've lost my dad!" "What's he like?" the copper enquires. "Beer and loose women..."

******

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman. "No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

******

A man takes a week off work and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off and soon finds himself catching up with a stunning woman playing in front of him. He suggests that they play against each other for the rest of the day and she agrees. The woman proves to be very talented, and wins on the last hole. Afterwards, she accepts the man's offer of a lift home and, on the way, admits she hasn't enjoyed herself so much for a long time. "In fact," she says, "why don't you pull over so I can show you how much I appreciate it." So the man pulls over and, to his delight, the woman performs oral sex on him. They arrange to play golf again the next morning. Once again the woman wins, and she shows her appreciation in the same way on the journey home. This goes on all week, until Friday, when the man reveals he has booked dinner at a restaurant and a night of passion in a hotel. On the way there, the woman suddenly bursts into tears. "I can't do it," she says, "You see, I'm a transvestite." The man is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, and pulls the car to a screeching halt. "You fecking cheat!" he screams. "You've been playing off the ladies' tees all week."

******

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

******

Q: What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A: A Fjord Escort

******

A young man strides into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist replies: 'They come in packs of three, nine, or 12. Which would you like?' 'Well,' the young man begins confidently, 'I've been seeing this girl and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going away for the weekend. Once she has seen what I'm like in the sack, I reckon she'll want me all the time. So you'd better give me a packet of 12.' The pharmacist hands over the condoms, and the young man leaves, all puffed up and proud. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. Before they begin, however, he suddenly asks if they can say grace. The family agrees, but is taken aback when the young man continues praying silently for several minutes, once the grace has finished. Eventually, his girlfriend leans over and whispers, 'You never told me you were so religious.' The young man leans back and whispers, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'

******

A man takes a seat on an airplane. Settled in, he sees a strikingly beautiful woman boarding. To his delight, she takes the seat beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he says, "Business trip or holiday?" She smiles and says, "Business - the annual sex convention in New York." The man swallows hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he asks, "What's your role at the convention then?" "Lecturer," she responds. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," the man says. "What myths are those?" "Well," the woman explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indians. Another misconception is that Frenchmen are the world's best lovers, when in fact men of Jewish descent are the best in bed. We have, however, found that the best overall lovers are the rednecks from South America." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm really sorry," she says, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man says. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

******

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle. Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down. By his third, he realizes some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle. Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go. "Right!" shouts the biker, "any of you man enough to do that?" After a moment of silence a voice from the back says: "I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes."

******

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

_____________________


BTW....Mad in N C.....mine is a 62!

out2kayak

ricks327

Please spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian flight 370 and now can't leave his girlfriends apartment.

tuxnharley

That's sick - funny, but sick!

Kerrmudgeon

Joke or reality? :