Kerrmudgeon

Wow, labour Day already....getting cold at nights up here too. Not looking forward to what's next.....
Happy Labour Day everyone!
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Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two landmark laws: "Gay marriage" and the "Legalization of marijuana."

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.” We just hadn't interpreted it correctly.

Shalom

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Frankly Mohammad.....

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so, from now on you will be known as Frank."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is no longer Mohammad. I'm in Ireland now and my name is Frank."
"What?" she said. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day when Mohammad returned to school the teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Frank?" she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming Irish I was attacked by two fecking Arabs."

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Bumper stickers for the aging.....

Kerrmudgeon

....more

Kerrmudgeon

Where you a problem child?.....take the test and find out!
Me......30%, I was a good kid,

http://www.brainfall.com/quizzes/wer...problem-child/

Kerrmudgeon

Got time on your hands?.....you could always build a nitro burning, double overhead hemi mini me like this one.....

Kerrmudgeon

Happy Labour Day......

Kerrmudgeon

:

Kerrmudgeon

Adam and Eve.....

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

Grumpy78

The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"

Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down -- that's better than Clyde."

Grumpy78

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

plaidside

Five Unshakable Facts!!
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors,
Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but
will grab whatever is available.

MAD IN NC

started early today I see....


Football Season is Getting Close –quotes found re: college football.....
Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.


Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.


What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Ohio State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.


How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.


Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"


A Notre Dame University football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.


What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? " "Will the defendant please rise."


How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.


What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.


University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.


How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.


Why did the Texas linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.


How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.



Spending to much time at home? Some have it worse….
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worl...se-arrest.html




BEER, famous quotes on it from famous people……
"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Babe Ruth


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Lyndon B. Johnson


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Paul Horning


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." - H. L. Mencken



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" - George Bernard Shaw


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry


Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!- W. C. Fields


Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser. - Professor Irwin Corey


To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! - Leo Durocher


One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

“One more, no more” – Mike with Perry


SEX AT 73 I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And, it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

My new answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


Fact’s, nothing but the facts…
My wife and I had words, but I still didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Railroadman

An old man, Mr Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes Nurse Tracy,' said Mr Wallace. 'My Private Part died today and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh I'm so sorry, Mr Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr Wallace,'she said,'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But , Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr Wallace.; I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

Yes,' said Nurse Tracy,'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,'he replied, Today is the viewing.'

Railroadman

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Railroadman

At a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda' figured we were friends..."

Railroadman

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl.

One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbor.

“My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

(talk about a pair of great hooters....)

Roger Walling

30 % ??? WTF?
I rated a 54% and I was one of the good kids in the class room. You must have been the dork that spilled his lunch in the cafeteria that we all laughed at!

stellar

I was in the 50% range too, but I lied about it back then and I ain't changing my story now.

Kerrmudgeon

Did it again with a "clearer" memory and got 47%...."a bit of a pain in the ****."

GEM '62

Hey, hey, I got my new swimming pool and sauna....
Y'all are invited to swim with me, it may be close quarters, but I don't mind...........
A lot of retirees I know can afford this model.

THE O'BUMMER AFFORDABLE POOL ACT FOR RETIREES.
IT IS PROVIDED BY OBAMACARE UNDER: "PHYSICAL THERAPY FOR VETERANS"

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...=emb&zw&atsh=1

Fart and you've got a Jacuzzi!

GEM '62

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'