Kerrmudgeon

The nights are cooler, and the leaves are turning and fall is the best cruising weather! Drive on men, drive on. :

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A few rimshots.....

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I'm your sister....."


A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your *** but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"


I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a ******* for myself and she goes fecking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.


A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a puzzy, not a fecking photo-copier."


Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?


A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!"


Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister’s throat!"


Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.


My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going. "I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fecking Down Syndrome Kid trying to whistle!"


I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or what?


The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.


Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans. I said, **** that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

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Manual Typewriter

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey, Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," their mother said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" the boys exclaimed, "That's really cool -- but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" the brothers exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

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New Species Discovered....



They are referred to as homo slackass-erectus created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly

receives full government care.



Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

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Equal opportunity insults......

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days. ' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning. ' The man says. Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?’ The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb ****!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

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Kerrmudgeon

Direct Quote from "Larry, the Cable Guy"

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY; BUT UNFORTUNATELY ITS TRUE!
THE MAN IS A GENIUS!





Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ....
Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
It has worked for over 200 years,
And we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post:
'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'
In a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.


GET ER DONE!......... DATS FUNNY RIGHT DER…

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Kerrmudgeon

....

Kerrmudgeon

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Kerrmudgeon

Not really funny, but some VERY INTERESTING photos here.....

http://m.tickld.com/x/46-incredible-...ve-seen-before

Kerrmudgeon

And finally, a tribute to Joan Rivers, a funny lady that passed away a few days ago. RIP Joan.

steampunk c1

The New Zealand Press...

A tough looking guy is at Auckland zoo with his kids when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The guy runs toward the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch..
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the guy brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
Nicky Hager, also at the zoo visiting his family (the simians) has watched the whole event. Nicky Hager addresses the guy and says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The guy replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
Nicky Hager says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'
The guy is embarrassed but replies, 'I'm an SAS grunt just returned from Afghanistan and a National party supporter'.
Nicky Hager notes all this down then leaves.

The following morning the guy buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

And that my friends, pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

steampunk c1

COPPER WIRE


After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the New Zealand Herald, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Onerahi, Bill Paku a self-taught archaeologist and avid Motorhomer reported that he found absolutely **** all.

Paku has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be a Kiwi!

steampunk c1

Greetings earthlings

Two aliens landed in the Simpson desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew him about 200 yards down the road.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over and replied ,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his ***** over his shoulder twice and then
stick it in his ear.'

Kerrmudgeon

Puddle fishing......

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth one so far,' the old man answered.

out2kayak

Kerrmudgeon

Toot and tell.....

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of
Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign on the church roof that says...
'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' has got to come down!

Railroadman

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”

Railroadman

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but still know that he was safe.

She had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he wouldn’t notice her.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Tim as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. The neighbor lady and her daughter did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the pair following them.

She said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week?”

Timmy shrugged and replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”

The little girl said, “Well, who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcie.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much.”

“The Psalm says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcie shall follow me all the days of my life’

So, I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Railroadman

I once asked a Chief why a Native American infant was called a "Papoose".

His answer was " Ever try calling one a poopass " with his mother there ?

Railroadman

A Papua New Guinean high priest was banished from his village for life after an (unnamed indiscretion involving a goat?)
Upon receiving his sentence he disappeared in the middle of the night and headed into the mountains where he built an impressive large thatched hut.

The villagers awoke and found that along with the priest,they also seemed to have lost their irreplaceable,ancient 300 lb ceremonial chair,and though a warrior party immediately was dispatched to trace the priests whereabouts and return the ceremonial chair,they returned empty handed,claiming that the chair was not in the priests possession.

Unknown to them was the fact that the priest had intricately woven the ceremonial chair into the roofspace of his thatched hut,where it remained hidden for the next 20 years.

One night a torrential downpour and strong winds weakened the hut and the 300lb fell upon the high priest killing him dead.
Yes,

Moral "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones"

Railroadman

An old lady came running in saying "I've been graped. I've been graped."

"Don't you mean 'raped', madam?"

"Sort of, but there was a bunch of them...."

VetteRed1965

Kerrmudgeon you have some of the best avitars..Tractor girls rule...over Vettes


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Kerrmudgeon

A few "get even" blond man jokes...(obviously written by a woman)


A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and
I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND. "
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.

Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde man is in jail.

The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in
the boat."



...thanks Bill.

Kerrmudgeon

Grab a drink and have a laugh with this video...on getting older....