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A favorite of mine~
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." —Jay Leno
"It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak." —Phyllis Diller
"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson
Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make? A: Wing! Wing!
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi.
My aunt is bringing her homemade cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving dinner, and my uncle is bringing his blatant racism! They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse or Stuffing-cide. Want to really freak someone out? Add 2 extra turkey legs to the turkey when it’s in the oven.
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Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church? A: They use FOWL language.
Q: Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? A: It had 24 carrots
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Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight? A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's popcorn?
Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had the drumsticks
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to America next month," says John.. "We go to America every year, rent a car and
drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas .."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your
********* that you come to realize that there can be
value in solving problems without using violence.”
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know Anything about each other.
' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said,' That was incredible
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went Along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay Down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No.' she said, 'I was a hooker in Oshkosh, Wisconsin and I worked both sides of Lake Winnebago.'
Lady Dentist
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Ol’ Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.' ….
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ***** in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
‘Half time’ he says, time to change sides’
CHRISTMAS GOLF!!!!!
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf.
And she said, "Take a sweater".
THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN
A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other......So, they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks."I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
The CEO
The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”
The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.”
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of ***** are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of *****. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "*******" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his ***** is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes. The tree is dead, and the ***** are just for decoration."
Its all in the Name
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and **** Retentives - thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
It’s nice of the teachers to have their students write letters to the troops overseas
Kid's note to GI,
Mission Accomplished
A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a Black man (a documented Democrat), a Muslim and a Redneck (never voted against the Republican Party) were walking together on a beach when the Black man stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared. "I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black man, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish. "The Black man thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa."
Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline. The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!"
Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet pickups appeared on the beach. The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."
Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach. Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?
"The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off. The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than this!"*
Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!!
Savasana Position of total relaxation.
Balasana Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.
Setu Bandha Sarvangasana This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.
Marjayasana Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.
Halasana Excellent for back pain and insomnia.
Dolphin Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.
Salambhasana Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
Ananda Balasana This position is great for massaging the hip area.
Malasana This position, for ankles and back muscles.
Life really boils down to 2 questions...
1. Should I get a dog.....?
OR..
2. Should I have children?
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today..
No matter what situations life throws at you....
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You're laughing aren't you?
That's good 'cause my job here is done!
Have a great day and remember to give thanks......
Cats are so dramatic!
Now that I made you smile, Pass it on to someone else Who needs a laugh today!
St. Jude Donor '09-'10-'11-'12-'13-'14-'15-'16-'17-'18-‘19-'20-'21-'22-'23-'24
Speaking of cowboys, you've probably heard of the old gag where three cowboys head into town in a conventional-cab pickup truck. When they get there and start slowly down the main street, the guy on the far right yanks off his hat and bends way down with his head below the dash. It sure makes the townfolk stare, to see the other two sitting real cozy together!
(The move is called "The Brokeback" - partly from the movie, and partly from the middle guy beating the passenger on the back to get him to sit up!)
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed but after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said,"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep!!!"
A recent article in a West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
St. Jude Donor '09-'10-'11-'12-'13-'14-'15-'16-'17-'18-‘19-'20-'21-'22-'23-'24
During the cold war the KGB came up with a plan to undermine the morale of the US males. They placed an order for 5 million condoms, to be 3 inches in diameter and 12 inches long. They figured when word got out, the American guys would be ashamed and embarrassed thinking of their Soviet counterparts.
The CIA got wind of the deal and came up with a perfect strategy. The order was manufactured and shipped as ordered. Prominently printed on each box was the following:
11-21-2014, 03:18 AM
Friday funnies
is out for a few days,: so I will kick start this ~ 
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