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For those who are easily a-fendered, it is suggested that U-turn the page now and re-frame from reading the following story.
IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT PIECE By Todd Brody
Being a collector, the search for the perfect piece is always elusive. I was cruising in the car when I met a Vet who told me that the piece I seek could be located uptown at one of the local joints. "Wheelie," I asked full of hope? As he points the way down a long block, I throw the car in low and burn rubber. As I split I told him "Keep a cool tool and don't let your meatloaf." I said to myself, "If this nut put me on a bump steer, I'm going to come back and choke him."
I drove downtown and stopped at the red light district. Being a small block, I parked and decided I cam walk. I stopped in at the "Roll Bar" which was first club I came to. The place looked rough so I grabbed my rod and my blade and went in. Once inside I could see that this was a strip joint and I was in for some fast times. The place was loaded and I sawzall kinds of marques. There were fats in the rear and skinnies up front. After I had to wait inline-six minutes, the waitress showed me to a back seat and I ordered De Soto water and a V-8 because I didn’t want to get too trunk. From my rear view I could barely see the staging lights. I slipped the waitress a fin and after a 30-weight she took me to a seat in the front end. I could seal there was from here.
The headliner came out and began belting out a tune while doing the usual grind. I was in shock at the control she had on her pipes as she began to peel out of her bra. Her headlights were huge and I wondered if they were synthetic. Hard tops look great, but I like them with more sway. I couldn't tell weatherstripping or singing was her greater asset.
As she struts over to me she says, "I couldn't help but noticing your hot rod. I bet it's about a quarter mile long and hard as steel." Obviously, I cam to the right place. I couldn't resistor. "I'm your biggest fan," I said to her. I could sensor vibrations. "Big meats like U-turn me on and I'm really into headers," she replied. "I’m going on brake and have got some idle time between shows," she said. I almost blew a head gasket and had pre-ignition right there on the spot. I wanted to Carter off and plug her.
"Let's blow this joint," I sparked up. "In a minute," she replied as she began to cycle around, distributor cards, and collector tips. We hopped in my ride and began to dash off. We were doing 69 when she said to turn at some short block which led down her back alley to her high rise. I pulled to the side of the road, parked under a Christmas tree, and took her top down.
Her body was smoothed and shaved and I began to rubber Bosch and French her. I began to feeler posi and was about to heater box when I noticed she wasn't stainless; there was a Redline of fluid. She whispers into my lobe, "Hey stud, I'm on the rag at Maxflow." Not to be stopped, I assessed my options and pulled a switch. I grabbed my grease and began to pre-luber rear end. I said, "Radio not, here I come." I put my panhard rod against her tail gate and she clutched the arm rest as I put the hammer down and succeeded in a hole shot.
Because my ball-peen-is so large, I only had limited slip as I pumped her greased fitting. She put her knuckle in her mouth to muffler cries. I was ready to cam. I started to injector and was just about to boil over when she squealed, "Hey slick, that Hurst!" She bolted out of the car before I could even wiper off. She cotter pin on the way out and air dam thing torque the upholstery. I tried to spring after her but my reaction time was slow and the winch was too quick. I was sorry that she made a get away because I was hoping for some Goodrich T/A and rally dent mean to spoiler fun or put a dampener on the evening.
I began the drive back to town solo. I had a cross member and Firestones and couldn’t Prolong the inevitable; my petcock was aching and I needed a screw badly. Then I noticed that the tank was low. Because the needle was on "E," I couldn't pass gas. I pulled in at the EXXON, the sign of the double cross. I told the attendant that she was a big knocker so he should pump Ethyl. I had to take a leak and really had the runs.
As I was ping, Mallory walked in. I was so taken back that I piston my tow. As she was leaving she asked if I'd like to come-along to the recirculating ball and bumper and her friends. I automatically agreed because at this point I was feeling Thorley and, in a clutch I'd fork just about anything. I was about put my stick away but had to tappet first to get rid of the drip. Four speed, I suggested that we take my car because it has Mopar.
Upon arriving, I started looking for parking in the 'hood. Being a big block, it was no problem. When we got out of the car a man with a spare tire around the middle wearing a rug en-gauged us. "I dash pot," he said," and cam get U-joints or keys or even a line of crank or speed if you want to get really wired." "It's really good smoke," he said. I told him that I could only a-Ford a few of the joints.
He came back and we lit 'em up, took some drags, smoked-um down the quarter, and put on a rear clip before they did a burn out. "Hoosier supplier; you know, the Hedman" I asked? "I'd like to give him a pot metal." "He's the king pin," the man replied. "But if he knew that I was dealing on the side, he'd have me on the carpet and brake A-arm." By now I was really getting the Muncies. I did a few donuts as I scoped out the late model skin mags.
We passed the lumbar and went into the leather and sway'd bar. It was one of those ball joints. I had a few drinks and began to get well oiled as we watched the rockers who never seemed to tire. I saw four-on-the-floor and three-on-the-tree.
Twins approached me. One asked, "Hey Jack, you into kinky stuff?" I asked wire voice had a rasp and she replied, "I have a Raw-chest-sir." I said I usually was a monocoque kind of guy, but would try anything for a thrill. I never had a third member and really wanted to pumpkin. I was actually hoping to try a four-into-one but it made no differential to me as long as I could get bald.
They took me into the back room. "Wheel get your parts straight," one said. As one removed her belly pan the other took off her Speedo seat cover. I noticed the accessories and implements of bondo and one showed me their table asked me for my rack o-pinion. They asked me if I'd like to try the chains that I saw looming in the back. "I'm really into Hooker headers and was hoping to get blown," I replied as one started to put my main shaft Indy hose clamp. I was in about half-shaft and trying to fender off when the other put her Nissan my soft shoulder and began to lifter chassis over my face. As she began to hoist her skirt it became apparent that this lug had nuts and that these were drag queens. I always figured that "parts is parts," and I like to push rod as much as the next guy, but this was ridiculous and no one was going to make a fuel out of me.
As I saw his ball bearing down on my face I saw the other pull out his dip stick. I knew I needed to split fast and looked for the easy-out. As Mallory frees me, I wax one upside the head with my BlackJack and had to deck the other. As I began to tuck and roll out of the rack, I wrenched my back in doing so. Then I had to throw-out one bouncer and throttle the other just to get free. I was wheelie able to Dodge a billet. It was a Triumph, but I was really exhausted.
Well, next thing I know vise grips me and throws me in the tank. It seems those bastards filed a battery charge and framed me. What a drag. Boy, some days they really know how to socket to you.
I was at the station and phoned Holley for money. She cabled me a bailing wire and came down for a pickup. "You really are a Cad," she said. We went to her pad and she tried to console me. "Don’t be so Moroso. I'm going to take care of you until the case is closed," she purred.
Holley was a beauty and of high caliper. She was rich and lean and a real rock crusher to boot. Unlike a lot of my dimmer ladies, she was bright and would never Borla with details. She was sharp as a tach and had a degree. Plus, she was lighter than most. She had a soft top with fantastic *****. She loved to pressure bushing my face. Maybe it was the engine-ious way in which she would alternator stroke, regulator speed, compressor inner tube, and shifter frame so as not to bore or tire me. Sometimes she would blow my horn, but she usually preferred the tunnel ram. I never failed to relay and double-pumper and she could always lift my spirits. I couldn't let this one get away or shine her on and decided to keeper for the duration so I asked if she wanted to get a set of rings in the spring.
Having found the perfect piece, it really was a Goodyear.
CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White", has been cancelled.
All of the 7 dwarfs:
Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say there ain’t no way in hell they’re gonna sing "It's off to work we go."
St. Jude Donor '09-'10-'11-'12-'13-'14-'15-'16-'17-'18-‘19-'20-'21-'22-'23-'24
A guy was pushing a cart through a neighborhood, loaded with fresh peaches. "Peaches! Nice fresh peaches!"
He heard a holler from a house, and saw an attractive woman in the doorway. She held up 2 fingers and made a beckoning motion, so the guy took two large baskets up to the steps.
She held the door, let him in, and pointed to a spot on the floor where he set the baskets. Then she stared at him, and the guy saw she was drop-dead hot.
Still without a word, she pulled off her top, and dropped her skirt. The guy's eyes bulged out.
She removed her bra and the guy could not stop staring at her gorgeous chest.
Finally, with a shimmy, she wiggled off her panties and let them drop to the floor.
The guy burst into tears.
Speaking for the first time, she asked "What in the world is the matter?"
The guy said "4 days ago, my wife left me. 3 days ago, my house burned down. 2 days ago my car was repossessed and I have to push a cart. Yesterday my dog died. And now, I'm going to get f**ked out of my peaches!"
10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)
8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
12-19-2014, 03:06 PM
