66jack

I will start this this time...

pgawit

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Fred, "There's us in ten years."

He looked at me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb sh*t."

ricks327

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad, Tyrone".

One day Tyrone 's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon, located in Cleveland, could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon?

Railroadman

News this morning from the business world. Xerox has announced a merger with Wurlitzer. They're going to make reproductive organs.

Railroadman

One Sunday morning during worship service, the pastor announced that all life's trouble and tribulations have already been discussed in the Bible, so there was no need to be dismayed in our times -- just refer there for all the wisdom needed to live life at its fullest.

After the service, this young lady approached the pastor and said: "Pastor, I believe you are wrong. I've read the whole Bible from front to back, and I have not read anything about PMS."

"Well, I'll look it up and let you know at the end of next Sunday's service," said the pastor.

Sure enough, next Sunday the pastor called the lady aside after church and said: "Well, I did find this scripture that relates to your PMS question." It reads: "...and Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Bethlehem."

ricks327

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf. Medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds.

And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.

Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

ricks327

You've seen the commercials - “An erection lasting more than 4 hours.…”

But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist as she and her sister owned the store, and there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me.

I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying: “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:


...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed, and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses"

Kerrmudgeon

'Mornin guys, thanks for starting the FF thread, I slept in. Nice not to have to worry about it all the time.
________________________________________ _______

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library:
Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

Kerrmudgeon

Some of these are recycled, but let's face it, they're ALL recycled!
_____________________________

Forgive me father.....

Tony walks into the Confessional and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned I have had Sex outside of marriage".

The priest asks "Was in Ann Marie Italiono"
Tony says "I can tell you that"
""Well was in Wanda Popolesky"? the priest asks
Again "I can't tell you that"

"Well was in Mary Ann McSluty?"
Sorry father I cant tell you.

When Tony walks out his friend says "what did you get?"
"20 Hail Mary's and three hot leads."

______________________________


Its that hole.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated
golf course, became confused as to where he was on the
course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up
to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
what hole he was playing.



She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached
her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.


He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender
said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in
the sales profession.I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"




She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."


"No, I won't."


"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."


With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.


She said, "See I knew you would laugh."




“That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.
I m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

jester: __________________________________


a few human facts and a man/woman

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a ***** is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 times as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb.

____________________________________


***** size.....
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
Black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his ***** and
On the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
***** to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
And a weight to his *****.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

____________________________________


The F word..........throughout history.
There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use...........


They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


9. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


4. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?”
-- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ***!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

Kerrmudgeon

A couple from Suzan in Oregon.....Curvette.

Booze and legs.....

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive young woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"No thank you," the woman replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Bad for your legs? Do they swell or something?"

"No, they spread."

___________________________________


The Dot

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.

......

If he finds nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Hewlit-Packard technical support.

Kerrmudgeon

Speaking of booze and legs.......

A man on the make walks into a bar and eyes a comely lass sitting all alone. He makes his move and starts chatting her up, asking if he can buy her a drink (or ten) and she politely refuses his offer. He asks why and she says...."booze gives me peanut butter legs". He's perplexed, never having heard of this affliction before and he inquires...."What the heck is peanut butter legs?" She reaches out and touches his hand and says "It makes them smooth and easy to spread"

MAD IN NC

Football quotes:
I THINK MY FAVORITE IS FROM JOHN McKAY, ABOUT SHOWERS. ALTHOUGH NAMATH’S IS PRETTY GOOD…

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" 

- John Heisman 



"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
-
Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” 


- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat . That costs money, and we don't have any." 

- Erk Russell / Georgia Southern

"After you retire, there's only one big event left , and I ain't ready for that." 

- Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." 


- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." 

- Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." 

- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." 

- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." 

- Woody Hayes / Ohio State 



"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." 

- Bob Devaney / Nebraska

In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." 

- Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa . But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." 

- Alex Karras / Iowa

My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor." 

- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." 

- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." 

- Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie , and that's real small pieces." 

- Darrell Royal / Texas

"They whipped us like a tied up goat." 

- Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me.
"He said , Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." 

- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." 

- Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport , it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." 

- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." 

- John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat , our team is getting a great education." 

- Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." 

- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." 

- Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." 

- Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." 

- John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad."
- Darrell Royal / University of Texas

I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." 

- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

MAD IN NC

Harlequin Novel, Updated 2015 Version:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax.” Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily, my breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought, a man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say. . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now.”




Michael and his wife live in Minnesota.
One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through."

Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out.

Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"



Gotta love those grandkids ..
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.


And a few more chuckles for ya seniors... GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.


The Morning Chuckle -
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely ***** if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr.Bumbutu? 'Yes I am.. How did you know?' He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock'...




READ THE COMMENTS FOLLOWING THIS MAIN ARTICLE - Darwin candidate
The comments posted by readers are as funny as the story... Stolen weapon found during search at Tennessee jail

Loaded Gun hidden In suspect’s Vagina

APRIL 22
A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.



As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search. The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina, ”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.



A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver, which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013. ” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman. In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”

News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times
News. Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and
introducing contraband into a penal facility.

According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000
bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES
1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half-cocked
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "Introducing contraband into a penal facility." - Shouldn't that be “penile” facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember: Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. - Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my...accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning.
13. Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14. I wonder if she had 'gun-a-reah'?
15. Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16. Do you suppose she had a “rectal re-loader”?
17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18. Figures...it uses “rim-fire” ammo.
19. This supports the “Big Bang” theory.


The BEST SNL Point/Counterpoint
http://www.hulu.com/watch/2306

MAD IN NC

AFC Championship ring!

64Corvette

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one:
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. But, her hair was dry. I checked the shower and it was completely dry, as well. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rails by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flowerpot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst:
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto a balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you".
"I don't know", replies the man. "Picture this, I'm stark naked hiding in this cedar chest..."

plaidside

Confidence

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

And that my friend ..... is Confidence.

plaidside

A wise person once said:



1. We all love to spend

money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are

enjoyed without clothes.



2. Having a cold drink on

hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night

after a few drinks - PRICELESS.



3. Breaking News:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.



4.Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing among Molson, Heineken,

Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab

whatever is available.


AND



5.I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study

found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who

mention it.

ricks327

The Hypnotist at a Seniors Home


It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHI*" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

Viet Nam Vett

The Parable Of The Jewish Samurai..Funny For To Day
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun


advertised for a new Chief Samurai.


After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese,


a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.


"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.


The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box,


and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *swish!*


the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.


"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai,


show me what you do."


The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward


and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai


sword and * swish! * swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly


quartered.


"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to


top that, Number three Samurai?"


The Jewish Samurai, Schmuel Obi-wan Feinsilber, stepped


forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly. He drew his


samurai sword and *swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so


mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the


fly was still buzzing around!


In disappointment. The Emperor said, "What kind of skill


is that? The fly isn't even dead."


"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. “ Dead is easy.


But circumcised … ?"

Kerrmudgeon

A late quickie......

I was having weird dreams and finally went to a therapist.

"Doc, I keep having odd dreams. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche, the night before that I was a Trans Am, before that I was a Volkswagen. What does it mean?"

The doctor answered "Don't worry, you're just having an auto-body experience."




Seeya next week.........