Kerrmudgeon

'Morning ladies and gents. Not too much in the old in box this week but I'll start off the giggle fest for everyone.
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Back and forth . . . . Back and forth . . . .

In and out . . . . In and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . . and, again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

She shouted:






"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


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on getting old......

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.

And in my case, a new urologist.



My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.



She told me that I must stop masturbating.



I asked her why.



She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."


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Anyone want a free cat.......

https://www.facebook.com/diana.rawli...22143384483272

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It's Tough Getting Old

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando (no underwear).

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied.

"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you."

With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re kiddin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”

It's tough gettin' Old!

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The nursing home...........

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a
nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full,so they had to
put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. How
do you like it here?" asked the grandson."

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,
"Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in
20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old.. He hasn't been on the bench in
30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years,
and everyone still calls him Doctor!

And me – I haven't had sex for 45 years, and they still call me the fu@king
Arab.


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Kerrmudgeon

THE BLONDE WINS ONE......

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

ricks327

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says, “Well, that's great...that's just great...some azshole's got my pen!”

ricks327

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached
its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to
New York. “The weather ahead is good, so we
should have a uneventful flight. So, sit back,
relax, and.........OH..MY GOD!"


Silence followed.......................

Some moments later, the captain came back on the
intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm
sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a
flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish
passenger yelled....... “For the luvva
Jaysus…..you should see the back of mine!"

Kerrmudgeon

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much
about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so,
Bob really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park,
Bob didn't know where Larry lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry,
but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold --
there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

Kerrmudgeon

Roger Walling

It is so cold here that ...

It was so cold . . .
the Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! Then...
It was so cold . . .
when we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!
It was so cold . . .
words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!
It was so cold . . .
the dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running!

ricks327

http://safeshare.tv/w/UXkaoZZBlf

Kerrmudgeon

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible."

StingU2

What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?
First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra

What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride.

A man and his wife went to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Viagra.
Seeing the $10 per pill price his wife was astonished - but then realized "it's only going to cost us $30 per year"

ricks327

StingU2

“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep ****.”

StingU2

A teacher is teaching a class, and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking."

Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

dudman

A man wakes up from a serious car wreck in the hospital. He asks the doc " am I ok?"

Doctor says "Yes, but I have bad news.... We had to remove your *****." The man is distraught and the doctor tries to calm him saying " now we have been having some success with artificial ones....but it is quite expensive. $3,000 an inch. So I suggest you talk it over with your wife and decide what size makes sense. No point in buying 8 inches if 6 satisfies her. So come up with a size and I'll check with you tomorrow."

Doctor comes in next day and asks "What did you and your wife decide on?"

The man with tears in his eyes says" We are getting granite counter tops."

out2kayak

10 things NOT to say to a cop who pulls you over:

1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. You must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! good job!

5. Excuse me, is stick 'em up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?

9. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

10. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell out of my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control...

out2kayak

Death of the Old Cow

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy.

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'"

out2kayak

Jackpot!

Bubba buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

Bubba says, ''I want my $20 million.'' The man replied, ''No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.''

Bubba said, ''Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.'' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

Bubba, furious with the man, screams out, ''Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''

out2kayak

Bubba was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. ''Hey, Bubba, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?''

''Well Sheriff, it's a long story.''

''I ain't going nowhere,'' said the Sheriff.

''Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did.

He continued, ''We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay, Bubba, go to town!' and, here I am Sheriff!''

out2kayak

Carol's Vette had a dead battery in her garage and she called her mechanics shop. Since she had to go to work she told the manager, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the Vette, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the mechanic arrived at Wanda's he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the floor watching the mechanic go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the mechanic couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

out2kayak

Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands."