Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning folks, hope you all have a great weekend.
________________________________________ __________






One Hungry Little Mouse!

The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Gutteridge at the Santago Rare Leopard Project. The student was photographing the leopard for a course project, was astounded by the mouse's behavior.

He said: 'I have no idea where the mouse came from - he just appeared in the enclosure after the keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard. He didn't take any notice of the leopard, just went straight over to the meat and started feeding himself.'

'But the leopard was pretty surprised - she bent down and sniffed the mouse and flinched a bit like she was scared. In the meantime the mouse just carried on eating like nothing had happened.

Even a gentle shove does not deter the little creature from getting his fill... 'It was amazing, even the keeper who had thrown the meat into the enclosure was shocked - he said he'd never seen anything like it before.'

Project owner Jackie James added: 'It was so funny to see - Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food.' But the determined little thing took no notice and just carried on.'

Sheena was brought in to the Santago Rare Leopard Project from a UK zoo when she was just four months old. The African Leopard can be found in the continent's forests, grasslands, savannas, and rainforests.

....so the mouse continued to eat the leopard's lunch and show the leopard who was the
boss. Just proves no one can push you around without your permission.

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL LESSON IN LIFE AND LONGEVITY.
Be nice to others because...

Time WILL make a difference!

One day you will no longer be the big dog... Just the old dog...

And my friend, WE are now the old dogs.

________________________________________ ______



Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota :

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
28 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation
You might live in Minnesota

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know how to say...Wayzata. ..Mahtomedi. .Cloquet. Edina ..and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota

If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota

If you often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota

If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota

If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota

If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and of course, road construction,
You might live in Minnesota

If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Monnesota

If you know "a brat" is something you eat,
You might live in Minnesota

If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
You might live in Minnesota

________________________________________ __


The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won!.......



The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ***.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ***

and just cover your own !!!

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

______________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

4 people in the carriage of a train – a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there’s the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there’s a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks “I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him”
The pretty young blond thinks ” I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him”.
The Muslim thinks “I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me”
The Jew thinks “I hope there’s another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim moron again.

_______________________________________

An oldie, but it always makes me laugh.

Strange disease.....

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ***."

________________________________________ _


THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.

Upon her return, her father yelled at her,
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us?
Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff....
"Dad.....I was too embarrassed,
I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."

"OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy
this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to an eight bedroom mansion
plus a €5 million cheque.

For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.

She takes a breath and continues,
"and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve
on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad

Girl crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

______________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Some inappropriate quotes.....

Kerrmudgeon

A very short bedtime story.......
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GEM '62

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no
mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms
that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her
dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double
handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she
decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her
ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as
possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll
call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and
everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down
the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a
stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an
enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the
living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..



"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down.








Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

GEM '62

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds )
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)


Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death


Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U. (From a 16 year old?)


Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby


Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)


Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
(now we’re getting somewhere)






• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

• Finnegin:
"My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it."

Keenan:
"What on earth is she doin' at that time?"

Finnegin:
"Waitin' for me to come home."

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.


• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.


• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."



• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."



• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.


• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?



• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

GEM '62

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally
next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

GEM '62

New Panties


A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never saw the glass coming

GEM '62

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors’ male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the two dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage (as so frequently happens when dogs mate).

She was unable to separate them and didn't know what to do. Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

She explained the problem to him. The Vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make themale lose his erection and he'll be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he said and hung u

GEM '62

GEM '62

Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night."
Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what
they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes
me clean it up again.
Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my
parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of
advice.
Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great
pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there.
Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must
live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't
know how to show it.
Age 42

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a
little note.
Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater
his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,
life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for
hours.
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the
phone.
Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles
these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas
tree lights.
Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine
cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a
life.
Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your
children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new
people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually
make the right decision.
Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

GEM '62

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory Mcllroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

The attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o’ the mornin to ya!"

As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Rory.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my ***** on when I drive" replies Rory.

"Aw,Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everythin...."

GEM '62

GEM '62

Why Irish Eyes Are Smiling…

While on vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for.
The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then I went to Ireland.

When I finished my tour in Ireland. I decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."
"Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price was always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"

The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call."

GEM '62

11 People On A Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter in flight, 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.......

GEM '62

Paddy's fingers


Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
Cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2015!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'







And Paddy said,
' How was I 'spose to pick dem up !








THE DEAD COW LECTURE: This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,......... "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."





This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark".

I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Don't ask me how, but it really works!





Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.




Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.



Movie List:


1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of **** Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


Now, ain't that something.....?

GEM '62

http://safeshare.tv/w/HtsNZejCuU

GEM '62

Breaking News - Bruce Jenner Transition Fires New Speculation

Wash. DC - Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner's intentions.

Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud "What will happen to Jenner's ***** if he completes the transition?" Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his ***** to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated "Everyone knows Obama has no ***** and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized *****. It would be a huge step forward for world peace."

German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked " I don't even have any *****, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea."

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama's lack of ***** has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said "The days of U.S. Presidents with big ***** like Reagan are over. Now it's our turn."
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that "It's been great the last six years. It's like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net."

While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that "The President would have to understand, our ***** would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with."

GEM '62

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this..)






" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

GEM '62

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...1&disp=safe&zw