Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen, and that one guy. The good weather's finally upon us so it's time to get into the garage again. You southerners are so lucky to indulge in our hobby year around.
OK jokers.....whadda ya got?
________________________________________ _____


Sobriety test...

A Kansas highway trooper pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles over the speed limit. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Kansas City to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler agreed, so the patrolman got three flares lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunken Redneck got out and watched for awhile, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, " Aw, Hell, Just take me on to jail. There ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."

_______________________________________


A few sickos for ya.....

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't like my brother!"
"Shut up! You'll eat what's on the table!"

"Mommy, Mommy, why is daddy sprinting in a zig-zag?"
"Shut up and reload!"

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to move to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep on swimming!"

"Mommy, Mommy, I heard there are piranhas in this river!"
"Mommy?"

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to run around in circles anymore!"
"Shut up, or I will nail your second foot to the floor as well!"

"Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa!"
"Shut up, the coffin will stay shut for today!"

"Mommy, is Daddy asleep?"
"Shut up and keep digging."

"Mommy, where did your scabs go?"
"Shut up and eat your Corn Flakes."

"Mommy, can we buy a new dog?"
"Shut up, we're not done eating this one yet!"

"Mommy, I don't want to go to grandpa!"
"Shut up and dig faster!"

"Mommy, Mommy, I butchered grandpa!"
"Are you crazy? Half of grandma is still in the fridge!"

"Mommy, Mommy, why can't we give grandma a proper burial?"
"Shut up and keep flushing!"

________________________________________ _

A few Bar Jokes....

A man walks into a bar in Montana. He gets drunk, stands on a table, and screams "Every last Democrat is a horse's ***!" Enraged, everyone else in the bar beats him up and throws him out into the street. The next week, he returns to the same bar, gets drunk again, stands on a table, and screams "Every last Republican is a horse's ***!" Again, the crowd beats him up and throws him out into the street. As he staggers away, he asks a passerby "Who are those people?" The response? "You don't understand, sir. This is horse country."

_____________________________________


The square root of negative one walks into a bar. He meets this lovely woman and asks the bartender to order a drink for her. He starts talking to her and really finds her to be quite an 'interesting' person. When he asks her if she wants to come to his apartment, what does she say? "With you? Get real."

______________________________________


A pirate walks into a bar, with a ships wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender notices the oddly placed gadget, and inquires, "Why do you have a ships wheel in the front of your pants?" The pirate replies, "Yarrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

______________________________________

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender how much it'll be. The bartender replies: "For you? No charge!"




And a whole BUNCH of bar joke standards


* A rabbi, a Boy Scout, and the President of the United States all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

*

A lady crab is walking along the beach one day when she sees a man crab. He's not walking sideways like the other crabs—he's walking in a straight line. Impressed with his talent, she asks him out on a date. However, when they meet the next evening for their date, he's walking sideways, like a normal crab! When she asks him why he's not walking forward any more, he says: "Oh, baby, I can't drink that much every day!"

*

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "I think someone committed a typo".

*

Socrates walks into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "What's your poison?"

*

Shakespeare walked into a pub. The bartender said, "You can't come in here. You're Bard!"

*

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian walk into a bar. So the rabbi says to the priest, "I think we're in the wrong joke!"

*

Somewhere far above the Arctic Circle, a Finn and a Swede stumble into a bar and plunk themselves down on the stools. The bartender sets them up with enormous mugs of beer, and they begin to drink. For six straight hours, they hammer them back, the defeated and drained mugs piling up around them. Then the Swede finishes the last of his current mug, raises it to the heavens, and thunders "Skål!" The enraged Finn slams his own empty mug down on the bar. "Did we come here to talk, or to drink?!?"

*

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!" So he goes back out, loops his neck into itself, musses up his hair and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

*

A vampire walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "I'll have a beer." The bartender asks, "What kind?" The vampire replies "Blood Lite."

*
A sandwich walks into a bar and says "I'll have some wine." The bartender says "We don't serve food here."

*

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, and the barman says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

*

A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!"

*

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He picks up the dogs by its hind legs and swings it in circles over his head. The bartender asks, "What are you doing?!" The blind man responds, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

*

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "Really? There's a drink named Steve?"

*

A German, a Frenchman and a Jew have been traveling together all day. When they get to the hotel they head straight for the bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."

*

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

*

A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason with him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 feet away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"

*

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, sorry, this is a bar." The next day the same duck walks in again and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar." The next day, the duck is there again, and this time the bartender is really tired of seeing the duck, so he says, "We don't have fruit here! This is a bar! If you come in here again asking for grapes I'll nail your beak to the floor!" So the next day, the duck comes back, and asks, "Got any nails?" and the bartender says, "No, why?" and the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

*

Once, in a bar in Russia, a man walked in with an alligator on a leash and loudly proclaimed "I'm the bravest man in this bar and I can prove it!" He snaps his fingers and the alligator opens its mouth. The man proceeds to pull down his pants and rest his ***** in the gator's lower jaw for almost a minute. After he's zipped up and the gator closes its mouth, the man looks over the stunned faces of the patrons and meets the gaze of the largest man in the bar. "You think you're man enough do do that?" And the big guy says "Well, to be honest, I don't think I can open my mouth that wide."

*

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and orders "Pint please, and one for the road".

*

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one.

__________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

A couple of groaner punnies!.....

There's this old butler, right? And he's retired, and lives on a farm with his two reindeer. One day he hears a knock at the door, and he opens it to see two beavers. The beavers say to him "Hi. Our house got knocked down in a flash flood, and we're looking for some money to rebuild it. Would you like to make a donation?" The butler just shakes his head, and goes to turn away. The beavers yell "Hey!" and throw a glass of water at him, slamming the door in his face. He goes to his reindeer. The first one, named Lee, says "Why don't you just give them some money?" His second deer, Frank, asks him the same question. "Why not give them a little money to rebuild?"
The wet butler says "Frank, Lee, my deers, I don't give a dam."

*

At the zoo, a group of porpoises were telling the visiting kids to do all kinds of bad things. After a talk with the zookeeper, they promised to be nice if he would bring them mynah birds. The zookeeper agreed, so he walked past a sleeping lion to get some mynahs. On the way back, he was stopped by a police officer who said, "You are under arrest for carrying mynahs across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises."

*

A blind man and his equally blind wife decide to go for a walk. It's a pretty cold day, and the weather forecast predicts some kind of precipitation, but the temperature will determine whether it's rain or snow. Sure enough, while the man and his wife are walking, it starts... precipitating. But neither of them is sure what.
"I think it's raining," said the man's wife.
"I think it's snowing," said the man. "It's too cold to rain."
They bicker about this until they hear someone hail them: "Hello!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Oh! It's Olph the Communist! He'll know which it is."
The man calls out: "Comrade Olph! Is it raining or snowing?"
"Raining, you idiots!" Olph calls back, unpleasently.
"See, I told you," the blind woman said.
Grumpily, the man replied, "I still think it's too cold. It must be snowing."
At that, the woman shook her head, and said...
"Rude Olph the Red knows rain, dear."

*

Two hikers have been walking through the Australian for days when they come across a small town called Mercy. Seeing as they're tired and thirsty, they stop by the bar and ask for a drink. What the bartender gives them tastes amazing, but is very thick and chunky. The hikers ask what it's made of and the bartender replies that it's a tea that they make by mashing up koalas. The hikers are understandably put off by this, but the drink tastes so good that they ask for another, and strained this time. The bartender replies "Oh, no sirs. The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."


*....told ya they were groaners!

Kerrmudgeon

Remember these.....?

What do you call a lady with a toilet on her head?
Lu.

What do you call a lady with two toilets on her head?
Lulu.

What do you call a guy lying on your front porch?
Matt.

What do you call a guy in a hot tub?
Stu.

What do you call a guy in a swimming pool?
Bob.

What do you call a guy hanging on a wall?
Art.

What do you call his arms and legs?
Pieces of Art.

What do you call someone inside a wall?
Stud.

What do you call a girl who stands against the wall?
Ilene.

What if she was Japanese?
Irene.

What if she was also Italian?
Irena.

What do you call a guy standing on the edge of the ocean with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
Russel.

What do you call a guy with a shovel in his back?
Doug

What do you call a guy without a shovel in his back?
Douglas

Where did the one legged waitress work?
At the IHOP

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't coming anyway!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob

....aren't you glad that's over.

Kerrmudgeon

The newlyweds.....

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"



Life's tough....

There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a *****. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life." The ***** says, "Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up."



Life's little secrets....

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Kerrmudgeon

And a couple of visuals.....



















And finally, our own rapper Drake getting molested by Maddona on stage last week!

steampunk c1

Thermos flask
David Beckham is shopping for Posh’s birthday present and sees something shiny and interesting in the kitchenware section of a large department store in Manchester.
“What's that?” he asks.
“A Thermos flask,” replies the sales assistant, somewhat overawed by the presence of the superstar.
“What does it do?” asks Becks.
The sales assistant replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
Becks thinks that’s just the job for Posh. He buys one and takes it along to his next training session at Old Trafford.
“Here boys, look at this,” Beckham says proudly.
The lads gather round and ask in unison, “What is it?”
“It's a Thermos flask.” says Becks.
“What does it do?” they ask.
“It keeps, hot… things… hot… and… cold… things… cold.” replies Becks, slowly repeating the sales assistant’s words and smiling proudly.
Like Becks, all the lads are impressed.
"And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and an ice cream..."

steampunk c1

-The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your ********* to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure

Creates one hell of a headache...The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the *********.'


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he

Was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live

a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, ‘that's what I need, a new suit’.

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like to try on a new suit please.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see now... size 44 long should do it'.

Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?'
'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked ‘How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.'

The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised again, 'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?'
'Been in the business 40 years sir.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.'
The salesman said...Let's see...Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head. ‘No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your *********

up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!'

steampunk c1

A joke that’s going around Ukraine:

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"

steampunk c1

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu..

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man..
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

steampunk c1

~ ~ Off To The Pharmacy ~ ~ ~

One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket

and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying it on the counter.

He asks the pharmacists,

“Could you taste this for me, please”.

Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along,

taking the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid,

puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around

and with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup

“Now does that taste sweet to you.”

says the old man?

The pharmacists said to the old man.
“Hell no!”


“Oh that's a relief”, says the old man,

“The doctor told me to come here

and get my urine tested for sugar”.

steampunk c1

An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Madrid.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's ********* from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!' The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter
replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your
order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The following day he
returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only
special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much,
much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged
his shoulders and replied,

'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Kerrmudgeon

Thanks Malcolm, good ones, love getting a few from the lads down unda.

GEM '62

Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.

GEM '62

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the **** - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'

GEM '62

fyreline

I remember when those "What do you call a guy . . . " jokes were making the rounds. My favorite was:

What do you call two guys hanging in a window?

Curt 'n Rod.

GEM '62

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

GEM '62

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .
The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that,they thought.
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three ****** in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and timbuktu.
The aboriginal won !!!

GEM '62

http://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034...appinstalled=0

GEM '62

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.