Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone, hope y'all slept well, I know I didn't! Getting old sucks....so a little levity could be the best medicine.
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I dream of Genie.....

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"

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A little HF humour....


[IMGhttp://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploads24/hf+21429660413.jpg[/IMG]



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A little of the blarney....

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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Kerrmudgeon

These 2 crazy Auzzie girls run a cooking show on the internet. It's pretty hilarious. Warning for salty language, NSFW!

Kerrmudgeon

Sex....anyone?

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my *****, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."



I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."



One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Kerrmudgeon

An actual Honda manual from 1962....

GEM '62

This is what Wisconsinites do for entertainment on Sunday afternoons....pretty exciting stuff!

Listen and watch. Not a single spectator walked away during the concert.

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0

GEM '62

Great Orators of the Democrat Party - PAST :


"One man with courage makes a majority." ~ Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." ~ Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~ John F.Kennedy



AND NOW:

Great Orators of the Democrat Party - PRESENT :

"It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'' ~ President William Jefferson Clinton

"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~ John Edwards

“We have four dead Americans.............”
"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) ~ Hillary Clinton

"I invented the Internet." ~ Al Gore

"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." ~ Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006) (A really, really stupid remark.

"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~ Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is.” ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton (Quoted1998)

"You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)

And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the "Mother Superior Moron": "We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March,2010) (As one Doctor said: That is also the perfect definition of a stool sample.)

HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE- GREAT COUNTRY!!


"Life is tough ! It's even tougher when you're stupid.'' ~ John Wayne

GEM '62

>
> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4 year old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
>
> A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
>
> The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
>
> "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
>
> The little girl replied, "I will, if those *******s at Home Depot ever deliver the frikin' drywall.

GEM '62

A good reminder!!
As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job,
she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...
And Monica blew it.

GEM '62

I Miss Bill .... It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this
is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President. He played the sax. He smoked weed. He had his way with ugly white women Even now? Look at him ...
his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign
affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.

GEM '62

ricks327

Phil's *******,

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his ******* was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's *******, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his ******* should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

GEM '62

http://wp.production.patheos.com/blo...lary-Queen.jpg
As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi–in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.
Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you.
How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.
During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.

Roger Walling

I THOUGH THAT THIS WAS A JOKE PAGE, ALL YOU ARE DOING IS STATING THE TRUTH!

GEM '62

GEM '62

Truth can be stranger than fiction.

MAD IN NC

An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best. The angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said the angel.

The woman replied:

"They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"

if women used pick up lines like men.....



INTERESTING CATEGORIES OF SEX
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last' "


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly."




DONT CARE - THESE ARE FUNNY!

Kerrmudgeon

Knocking on Heaven's door.....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Kerrmudgeon

A young woman joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from an airplane. The next day, she called home to tell her mother the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the mother.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the girl said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother.

"Uh, no. The sergeant then started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

''Did you jump then?" asked her mother.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?''

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go."

Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?''

I said, "No sir, I'm too scared."

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, Mom, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat!"

He said, "Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ***.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.

"Well, a little, at first."

Curvette1

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:
"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Curvette1

A man was questioned by police after he had witnessed his wife being beaten by five men.

"Why didn't you help?" they asked.

"I thought five was enough," he replied.