Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone. Time to rise and shine
......and LAUGH!
________________________________________ ____

Thanks to Bill for these first ones, a few old, a few new ones.....


Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..



An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Meanwhile at the home...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'




A rose by any other name...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'




Rules are rules...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'




Forget what?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'




Baby you can drive my car....

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'





Three old guys
... are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'




Gettin old ain't easy....

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got aheart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

_______________________________:s eeya

Kerrmudgeon

Twenty things you should know about dating a car nut....

http://www.latemodelrestoration.com/...acebook_dating













.

Kerrmudgeon

This isn't really a joke.....it's the news!

Only in Florida!

A Florida Burglary
(You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder."
(That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said “It looked similar to high grade cocaine, and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Taped to the box was a note that said:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

Kerrmudgeon

Don't you just love doggie pictures.....




Not so big down unda...



Bowling anyone?

Kerrmudgeon

This is an actual children's book. YIKES!


And on that note......


Hmmmmm...? Well, go ahead, as long as if it's for a good cause.

Kerrmudgeon

for the love of pork....

Jerry was visiting with Uncle Versey one day and around the side of of the house comes a pig with a wooden leg. Jerry asks Uncle Versey why the pig has a wooden leg. Uncle Versey replies, Oh son that pig is like a member of the family. When the house was on fire and mama was trapped inside it run in and saved her. Why when little Bula was a drownin in the creek it jumped in and saved her. Jerry replies, but why does it have a wooden leg?

Uncle Versey answers, Son, when you got a hog that good, you don't eat him all at once...

azmusclecar

66jack

ricks327

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,


"Well, how did you do?"

" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the he!! is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

ricks327

The daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!”

ricks327

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, Where should I put my pants?"

"Over there by mine" was not the answer I was looking for.

ricks327

Early one morning an elderly retired veteran just finished a piece of
artwork he had been working on and yelled to his wife,

"Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting
the six years of the Obama Administration!"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet Herman and come eat your breakfast!!!"

ricks327

93RubyRedCoupe

Possibly the BEST avatar ever...................

MAD IN NC

Our society is doomed..............

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know, I already got that side. '
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and they VOTE and have babies.




Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.

... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF!. she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"




A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."




When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big knockers. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big ****, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. 


In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. 


When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 


When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big knockers.


HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.



A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased by a cheetah.
The wife told the husband, “If the antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a Blow Job every day for the rest of your life.”

Take a look:





A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call
on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs ,

"That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!".

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the
father of that typical Green Bay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .

So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened ? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, " ... Had him circumcised

Kerrmudgeon

NEVER SQUAT WITH YOUR SPURS ON . . . by Will Rogers

Never squat with your spurs on . . . Will Rogers , who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment .

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came a long and shot him.

The moral : When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

1st - Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2nd - The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3rd - Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth - When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth - You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth - I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth - One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth - Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable? -----------but gets lonely at times, one slowly loses their friends(Billy, Charlie, Ronnie)…

Tenth - Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

Happy Trails.

Kerrmudgeon

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Kerrmudgeon

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

vetsvette2002

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, About 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes

I avoided standing on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "just a ****** golfer"!!!

Kerrmudgeon

Our daughter had been missing for several hours and my wife was starting to become frantic.

We called the police and they began to organize a search of the surrounding area.
The police sergeant told us they were bringing in a sniffer dog to help.

"Do you have a sample of her clothes?" asked the officer. So, I handed him a pair of my daughter's panties.
He sniffed at the underwear and began slobbering, excited by the scent.

"But, officer," I said, "shouldn't we wait for the dog to arrive."