Kerrmudgeon

Happy July 4th to all you people to the south of me on this fourth of July Weekend. Hope you all have fun with your loved ones. We had our Canada Day celebrations yesterday.

________________________________________ __________


A poem by Willie Nelson

The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year. Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline. "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favorites. He is also a well recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker.

So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.



Willie Nelson


"I’ve outlived my dick."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!


_________________________________ _



Daughter to Dad...

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. So, get out your checkbook. LOL :>) I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love and thank you sooooo much!, Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dad's Reply.... (also by texting)...

My Dear Lilly: Like, Wow! Really? Cool! AWESOME! Whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

L.O.L. (lots of love), Daddy


______________________________________



CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents

________________________________________ ___

Kerrmudgeon

Some cool visuals........

Kerrmudgeon

Peanut in the ear....

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth in the

Middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he

turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in

deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they

became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home

with her date. After being informed of the problem, their

daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, and then proceeded to

shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young

man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

Kerrmudgeon

Darwin award recipient.....

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d9b_1435617192

Kerrmudgeon

SI67

Serta Cuts Ties with Trump

“Serta values diversity and does not agree with nor endorse the recent statements made by Mr. Trump,” Serta said in a statement. “[Serta is] in the process of unwinding our relationship.”

I think they should have added an additional sentence: “We’re not going to take this lying down.”

MAD IN NC

Sex After Surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon paused for some length, which alarmed the girl, and a small tear ran down from her eye. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?", She sobbed. He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."




"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


3 old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you dear? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?"

The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."








4 ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.
" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.
" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends..." .The other three fainted ....

( This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.)

Kerrmudgeon

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .



'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble !!'

Kerrmudgeon

Weenie Test

Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, were on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggested that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he said. "Okay," they all agreed.

The Irish kid pulled down his zipper and whipped it out.

"That's nothing," said the Italian kid. He whipped his out, and proudly showed that his was at least an inch longer.. Not to be outdone, the Black kid whipped his out. It was by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asked him what he did at school that day.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asked the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids said it's because I'm Black. Is that true?"

His momma replied, "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen, and still in the third grade."

Kerrmudgeon

A Trip to the Doctors...

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'' "No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,... "Then, why do you even give a ****?"

Kerrmudgeon

A rose by any other name......

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and ***** from school and go get dinner.

Kerrmudgeon

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was screwing you last night, I was thinking about your friend."








Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace panties.
"Since when do you wear womens underwear?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

Kerrmudgeon

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

65 fi

Subject: UK Labor Problems









Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a
three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far
failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25%
this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in
the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to
its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir
told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in
the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like
this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief
executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathise with our workers'
concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.
They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a
competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic
shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between
reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife
benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be
able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland,
Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the
change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their
areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide
bombings has been attributed to the popularity of Scottish singing star,
Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and
have reconsidered their benefit package.

Kerrmudgeon

Fill 'er up!

One evening a woman pulled in a gas station on a motorcycle, hopped off and told him to "Fill it up."

The attendant said, "Ma'am, you might want to let it cool down a bit first as it is mighty hot and might catch fire."

Fill 'er up" she said ... "If you'd been between my legs for the last 300 miles, you'd be hot too !"

Kerrmudgeon

....for this one.

Two queers are sharing an apartment. One queer comes home to find the other one smearing Vaseline all over his chest. "What are you doing?" the first queer asks. The second queer replies that he read that putting Vaseline on your body promotes hair growth. The first queer says, "If that was true, you would have a ponytail growing out of your *** by now."




This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches and says to the customer "What's the name of your *****?". The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *****." So the customer says, "All right, what's the name of your *****?". The gay waiter says, "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my ***** is Secret". The waiter says, "SECRET?". The customer says, "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".

Kerrmudgeon

Robert is invited to attend his girl friends parents house for Christmas dinner. As this is his first time meeting the family, he is a very nervous but they all sit down around the table and begin eating a fine Xmas turkey dinner. Feeling a little discomfort, no thanks to nervousness and the cheesy cauliflower casserole, gas pains are increasing, making him wince and eyes are starting to water. Left with really no other choice, he decides to relieve the pressure a wee bit and lets out a dainty fart. Not that loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before getting embarrassed, girl friend's father looked at the dog snoozing under his chair said in a stern voice, "Skippy!". He thought, "Great! Saved on that one". But couple of minutes go by but the pains return. This time, why hesitate, blame it of the dog. So he lets a much louder and longer rrrriiip. Her father looks at the dog with disgust and yells, " Dammit Skippy, get away from him, before he craps on you!."

out2kayak

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off’. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”. To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”.

8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?
The logician replies: “yes”.

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies,
“I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11 . How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “oh crap, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”

19. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.