Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning dudes and dudettes! I hope you're all enjoying the waning days of summer. They pass too quickly for a lot of us.
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Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'


As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'


The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.

Kerrmudgeon

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


'OLD' IS WHEN...


'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.


'OLD'IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.



AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?




Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this
week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card
drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

Kerrmudgeon

A woman's trip to gyno!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

I'm never going back to that doctor again.




Lawyers........

And, if you think lawyers don't have heart, read the best lawyer story of all time...

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Second says the lawyer, did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Third, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?’



Some programers have WAY too much free time on their hands.....

Kerrmudgeon

A few eye benders for you......

MAD IN NC

Waiting on the Front Porch
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door 
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I 
will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years 
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the 
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves 
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a 
life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty 
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry 
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the 
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy 
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our 
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the 
grandchildren. For the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark 
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!





Refund Check
A black woman in Baltimore was admitted to the hospital for an abortion.

Two weeks later she received a check for $1,500.

She phoned the hospital to ask if it was from Obama care.

The hospital said no, it's from "Crime Stoppers".


For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS'.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do a little research, and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams between then-President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WW2 Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end!

Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means.....



Mozart Rapper!

another one from the same guy..


Detroit Bank Robery…. Priceless!
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v...type=2&theater



Lawyers Don't Lie.
A Lawyer Had A Wife And 12 Children And Needed To Move As His
Rental Agreement Was Coming To An End For The Home Where He
Lived But Was Having Difficulty In Finding A New Home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would Rent A Home To Him because they knew that the Children Would Destroy The Home.

He could not say that he had no children, He Could Not Lie, After all, Lawyers Cannot And Do Not Lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the
cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked :


"How Many Children Do You Have ?
He answered : "12 children.
The agent asked "Where are the others ?
The Lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the
Cemetery with their Mother.
And that's the way he was able to Rent A Home For
His Family Without Lying.

MORAL :
It is not Necessary To Lie, One Only Has To Choose The Right Words.
Lawyers Don't Lie ...They Are Creative ...




GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a
WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work
to do!

AMEN!!

66jack

Things NOT to say to your wife...

Curvette1

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life...
This enables you at 85 years old To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year. Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear that dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

Curvette1

Swishing...
A woman goes to the Doctor worried about her husband's
temper.
The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says,
"Doctor, I don't know what to
do
Every day my husband seems to lose his
temper for no reason. It scares me.
The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry,
just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he
either
leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor,
looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's
keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

Curvette1

You have probably heard this one , but it still makes ME laugh.

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie?

Kerrmudgeon

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin:
“For best results, put on two coats”.



while blondes may have more fun, they pay for it by being the brunt of jokes!

Kerrmudgeon

Two Irishman walk out of a bar............well, it could happen.

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Hey buddy, better have another beer!.......

Kerrmudgeon

Many years ago on a long BOAC flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he
explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next
one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor
and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was
responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the
first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

Kerrmudgeon

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

out2kayak

Smelling farts can actually prevent cancer according to actual scientists from the University of Exeter.

And just to think that I was inoculating those around me for life against cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis and even dementia!

http://www.nymeta.co/scientists-say-...events-cancer/

ricks327

A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

ricks327

Darqueeze played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the principal agreed that if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. Diploma in hand, the principal said: "Darqueeze, if you can answer this one question correctly, I'll give you your diploma. Darqueeze, how much is three times seven?”

Darqueeze looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!” Then Darqueez held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”

A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the other students began to chant: "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Kerrmudgeon

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am.."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Gotta love military time