Kerrmudgeon

.Hey everyone. Hope you all have a great long weekend, one of the few that and you share. Not much in the funny box this week but I'm sure there will be soon.
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First, a little video fun. Vadered from another place......

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Pork Power.....look at the size of those things!




Sobriety test.......

A WV State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles East of Lewisburg, West Virginia.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show with the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the
driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a
ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and
asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper
got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A
drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance,
then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the
door, asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there
ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.'




The hotel bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said .''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Kerrmudgeon

An oldie but still funny....

The milkman....

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left
a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said; "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS....




The blonde said; "No, just up to my *****.
I can splash it on my eyes."




Aroma therapy.....

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and a cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more!



Geriatric sex.....

I saw my 87 year old neighbor the other day and he commensed to tell me how horrible his wife had become. He said the only thing that they still enjoyed together was oral sex. Wow, probably more information than I need to know, but still got me to wondering.
Turns out, his idea of oral sex was them standing on oposite sides of a room and yelling.......



F--k you! No, F--k you. NO, f--k you! etc.

Curvette1

I love the crow on the windshield wiper...that is hilarious
!

Roger Walling

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

The Castle Rock, Colorado, Wage and Hours Government Department claimed Mickey was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old Mickey, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied old rancher Mickey.




I'm going to spend Labor day putting my liver to work, pour me another scotch.

davidf59

Six retired Jewish friends were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

Kerrmudgeon

Alternative medicine.....

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!

ricks327

Breaking News - Raleigh , NC

Jeff Gordon , Professional Stock Car racer​ announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plea to employ Black Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 9 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.

ricks327

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR


On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man
living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure
for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Kerrmudgeon

I laughed when I saw this from the first post ......reminds me of ME in the morning.......

.....only my nails aren't that long....YIKES!

Attachment 48366045

tuxnharley

- but my favorite is the monkey knocking down the boy who flips him off! Karma!

azmusclecar

Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Howard how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now.
We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Kerrmudgeon

The Definition of Wisdom

A wise man once was asked if, as he grew older, would rather have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's.

He immediately responded that he would prefer to have Parkinson's. When asked for his rationale he responded "I'd much rather spill an ounce or so of my beer than to forget where it is entirely."

VetteRed1965

Kerrmudgeon, you know we only read your posts for your jokes...

tuxnharley

He almost always has two good points to share..............

out2kayak

Stealing someone's coffee is called a mugging.

Pasteurize: too far to see.

Whoever invented "knock-knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize.

I put my grandmother on speed dial - I call that instagram.

The other day I held the door open for a clown - it was a nice jester.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery

When you're down by the see and an eel bites your knee that's "a moray".

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.



-- Joe

yogiboobuck

Got my vote

out2kayak

Alabama is the kid who chews tobacco, has a truck with a gun rack, and wears a baseball hat all the time. He's also plays the banjo in a Blue Grass band with Kentucky, Arkansas and Missouri.

Alaska is the fat kid with a beard who wears flannel and gets A's in shop class.

Arizona is the kid that is always shouting racial slurs at the Mexican kids. Even though everyone knows he's half Mexican.

Arkansas is the kid who drops out by sophomore year.

California is a set of twins. A girl and a boy. The girl is the cheerleader who acts nice to other people but as soon as they leave she talks more **** than anyone. She wears only brand name clothes and drives a 3 series BMW. While her brother on the other hand, is just so high he doesn't care. He drives his VW bus to school after a nice surf session and wears tanks tops, flip flops, board shorts and an old bright colored hat he found in a box of his dad's old things.

Colorado is the kid everyone knows is a genius, but doesn't try because he would rather be smoking pot.

Connecticut is the rich kid who wears pastel shirts and shorts, mid calves, and plays lacrosse.

Delaware is the quiet kid nobody knows about until there are all these news stories about the crazy **** he's done.

Florida is the crazy kid who does a lot of drugs, but is still someone you wouldn't mind hanging out with once in a while.

Georgia is the weird older kid who won't shut up about his lifted truck.

Hawaii is the kid who never wears shoes and wears her bikini under her clothes.

Idaho is that lone kid that everyone stays away from and doesn't trust. He wears the same jacket every day to school which gives everybody the suspicion that he's armed.

Illinois, Wisconsin, Iowa and Minnesota are kids who grew up together and are from the same neighborhood. But once they got to high school, Illinois got all popular and acts like a douchebag, telling the other three they're losers and hicks, even though he/she is from the same hood and they're similar people.

Indiana is the Future Farmer of America kid.

Iowa is the misunderstood kid that girls didn't appreciate until they got much older.

Kansas is the kid that on the first day of class, picks a seat somewhere in the middle of the room. Kansas is a rather quiet student, very average. Sometimes, Kansas gets the right answer when the teacher calls on him. Sometimes, Kansas gets the wrong answer. Then, the topic of evolution comes up in science class. And Kansas stands up in the middle of class and yells "********!" at the top of his lungs. Then he sits back down, arms crossed over his chest, glowering at the teacher. The next day, Kansas acts like nothing happened. He doesn't talk about the incident unless someone brings it up first. He's still cool, but all the kids think he's a little weird. That's Kansas. The quiet, ultra-conservative kid who tries to get along most of the time, but just snaps every so often.

Kentucky is the girl who has the unhealthy obsession with horses.

Louisiana is that crazy kid you made the mistake of hanging out with that one time. You stole a boat, made out with his sister and wound up walking back to town the next day at noon. Everyone knows that hanging out with Louisiana will eventually get you arrested or killed.

Maine is the kid everyone forgets about as soon as graduation rolls around.

Maryland is that girl who definitely isn't hot, but definitely isn't ugly.

Massachusetts is that Irish kid with an IQ of 180 and social skills that enable him to get along well with adults, but they aren't quite good enough to let him realize that showing off how smart he is isn't a good way to make friends among his peers.

Michigan is the kid with divorced parents where one parent is really well off while the other is in crippling poverty and is a half-step away from becoming homeless.

Minnesota is the girl who hangs around with Indiana and Pennsylvania. Loves sports and talking about snow. Also has a boyfriend at another school (Canada).

Mississippi is the kid over in the corner eating glue, again.

Missouri is the school's meth dealer.

Montana is the massive kid on the football team who looks scary, but is actually nice.

Nebraska is the farm kid, obviously. Carhart jacket, work boots, John Deere hat.

Nevada is the girl who snorts coke in the bathroom during lunch.

New Hampshire is the freedom of speech, protest geek. Live free or Die!

New Jersey would be the kid whose sarcasm was so advanced that people couldn't tell if he was kidding. He also has a strong affinity for sand, red sauce, an avarice for idiot politics and a badass moustache.

New Mexico is the nice kid who has all the scary friends in a gang. (NM is def. female, AZ's sister. She's prettier than AZ, but was never as conservative or popular. Nobody will often approach her, and she spends most of her time alone in the art/pottery room making wonders. She will also dabble at parties but bad press has made her into the school tweaker.)

New York is the super flamboyant city kid that no one realizes actually lives on a farm.

North Carolina is the slightly redneck kid that most people still like, who also happens to be good at basketball.

North Dakota is the kid that is constantly overshadowed and mistaken for his older brother, South Dakota.

Ohio is the kid that no one cares about but somehow gets voted class president. Probably because he voted for himself a thousand times.

Oklahoma is the kid who is very conservative and always smells a little bit like manure due to living on a cattle farm.

Oregon is that white dude with dreadlocks.

Pennsylvania is the the kid that everybody thinks is a hipster, but is just Amish.

Rhode Island is the really short kid that people forget about and ask, "Hey, are you a freshman?" even though he's a senior.

South Carolina is the mommas boy.

South Dakota is North Dakota's older brother. He hates his brother and wants him to go to a different school so he will be the only Dakota at the school.

Tennessee is the kid that skips school to go hunting in the fall and fishing in the spring.

Texas is the captain of the football team. He will also grow up to be one fat son of a bitch who will tell anyone willing to listen how he was THIS close to the NFL.

Utah doesn't go to this high school. Utah is home schooled.

Vermont is the artsy kid whose parents own a kale farm.

Virginia is the kid whose mother's side of the family is rich and involved in politics, and whose father's side spends all their time hunting, fishing, and drinking. He is the kid that drives a nice car to school and has the latest tech-toy, but wears camo pants and talks about hunting all the time.

Washington is the know-it-all kid that no one wants to hear talk in class.

West Virginia is the kid that got held back so many years that he was freaking awesome because he could drive to school in the 8th grade. F**k yeah!

Wisconsin is that weird kid who smells like cheese.

Wyoming is the emo/goth kid because he's so empty inside.

BONUS:

Puerto Rico is the kid that doesn't even go to the school, but is always hanging out in the parking lot.

Kerrmudgeon

I had a great pool day today, weather was great. Found this when I got home......