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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
<>FRIDAY FUNNIES<>October 2nd weekend...
Hey Everyone .....hope y'all are well and some getting ready for the cold weather. I know I am.....darn it! Adding Sta-bil to all my gas engines that aren't run for a few months....that kinda stuff. Not many traditional funnies this week, but I'm sure I'll find some tomorrow. Post up what you've found....
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You know the old expression, You don't really buy beer, you just rent it? Well these guys took that to extremes with these custom urinals.....
The View....
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother, It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."
Feeding pigeons....
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Amazing Translated
At a social get together, a man was attracted to an attractive and vivacious young lady. He wanted to strike up a conversation with her so he walked near to her and listened to her conversations with others. He noticed she used the word "amazing" quite a bit. So as a conversational opener, he said "I notice that you use the word "amazing" frequently." She said, yes, it's a manner of speech I learned in charm school. Well, said the man, what word did you use before you went to charm school? She replied, before charm school, I used to say bullsh1t.
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 10-02-2015 at 01:34 AM.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
The Drunk...
A drunk gets up from the bar stool and heads
for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender knocks on the bathroom door and says, "What's all the
screaming about in there, you're scaring the hell out of the
customers!"
"It's your toilet," slurs the drunk, " every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"
Bartender peeks inside and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A blond & brunette notice a man with dandruff. The brunette asks,"Should we give him some head & shoulders?" The blond says ,"yeah, okay, But Wait! How do you give shoulders?"
The Big Cruel World.....
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning!
An Italian MaMa
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
and it's been raining for a week straight and now we have a hurricane coming in
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no-one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men ask her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, ……. "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Not Mensa Material
1.AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik-Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked.
'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they pu ll ed into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
INCREASE ON AMMUNITION.... THERE WILL NOT BE A WARNING SHOT !
(Thank you for your understanding)
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats...
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food...
5) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap .
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy...
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus...
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS: How true this one is.
At age 4 success is . . . ... Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is ..... . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . ... . Having money.
At age 50 success is . .. .. Having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . Having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is ... ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.
A young Arkansan (Arkie) goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young Arkie says, "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does."
"Then Ol' Blue turned to me and asked, So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.
Why make two trips....
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room, everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A teacher is explaining biology to her students;
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"my kitty raised her back, and went ffffff!, ffffff!, ffffff!, but before she could say "Fvck", the rottweiler ate her"!
As I was driving home this week and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends’ lives, and what’s happening in
Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary, ISIS, CNN News, and how America is so troubled, I saw a yard sign that said:
10-02-2015, 01:12 AM
<>FRIDAY FUNNIES<>October 2nd weekend...
.....hope y'all are well and some getting ready for the cold weather. I know I am.....darn it! Adding Sta-bil to all my gas engines that aren't run for a few months....that kinda stuff. Not many traditional funnies this week, but I'm sure I'll find some tomorrow. Post up what you've found....
