Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning ladies and gents. Well I guess that the end of another season for us northerners. 32F*/0C* last night, so it's time to put the top up on the 62 for another year. .....please make me laugh.
________________________________________


Hot Mama

78 year-old hard of hearing Fred is walking down the street with a beautiful young blonde on his arm.

His cardiologist walks up to him and yelled "Fred is that you? How are you doing?"

Fred: "Doc, I took your advice and I am doing just great! Thanks so much!!"

Doc: "Uh, what advice was that, Fred?"

Fred: "You know - Be cheerful, get a hot mama."

Doc: "Fred, what I said was - be careful, you've got a heart murmur."

__________________________________

An Old Cowboy's advice.....



* Keep your fences horse-high, pig-tight & bull-strong.
* Keep skunks & bankers & lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Don't corner something that would normally run from you.
* It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about is never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* Sometimes you get, & sometimes you get got.
* Don't fix it if it ain't broke.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, & a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

_____________________________________




______________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Life after Death.....?

Kerrmudgeon

Wal Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they aren't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice." "Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart ."

______________________________________

Why women use handbags.....

Kerrmudgeon

Vadered from another forum. Thanks Bill!

Some really cool visuals....

tuxnharley

Some of those cloud visuals look like the special effects from the movie "Independence Day"!

I may never eat pizza again..................

Roger Walling

Quoted from Kerrmudgeon"s first post,

"Good Morning ladies and gents. Well I guess that the end of another season for us northerners. 32F*/0C* last night, so it's time to put the top up on the 62 for another year. .....please make me laugh."

It's not time to put up the top, it's time to put on the snow tires and an extra set of chains in the trunk!

Roger Walling

What s the matter, don't you like a little meat on your pizza?

davidf59

davidf59

MAD IN NC

The 54 Absolute Worst Things About Fall I love fall! Not! From Buzzfeed…..
1. People won’t shut up about how it’s fall.
2. It’s cold in the morning, warm in the afternoon, and cold at night, which makes it nearly impossible to dress appropriately because you’re always too warm or too cold.
3. Your body doesn’t know how to adjust to the temperature change.
4. Switching over from iced coffee to hot coffee (people make too big of a deal out of it).
5. When you finally switch to hot coffee and start sweating because it’s slightly too warm to be drinking hot coffee but you got to stay the course.
6. Layering until you realize you have to do more laundry because you are literally wearing more clothes.



7. Feeling pressure to do something for Halloween.
8. Everyone asking you what you’re going to do for Halloween.
9. Everyone asking what you’re going to be for Halloween.
10. When people ask you, “Have you watched Hocus Pocus yet?” at 12:01 a.m. on the autumnal goddamn equinox.
11. It’s that much harder to get out of bed.
12. You need to put on a coat to walk to the bathroom.




13. Getting out of the shower is nearly impossible.
14. Gourds.
15. People who already started listening to Christmas music.
16. When people say, “This song reminds me of fall.”
17. When you wear too light of a jacket and spend the rest of the night contemplating your life choices.
18. The transition from light jacket to winter coat in general (there’s always that one day you **** up and wear the wrong thing).
19. Your sleeves get wet when you wash dishes because you have to wear long sleeves.
20. Chapped lips.
21. People who are a little too obsessed with Halloween.
22. When you eat a big meal in a restaurant and go outside and you’re freezing cold because your food is digesting.
23. Leaving work when it’s dark.



24. What are gourds even?
25. Leaves get wet and slippery and then you fall, and because it’s fall people make a joke about how you fell in fall.
26. Everyone won’t stop talking about “sweater season” when the only “sweater season” you know is how much you sweat when you wear a sweater too early in October.



27. Bad dad jokes about fall like the one in no. 26.
28. The fact that fall only exists for like two weeks before it’s basically the middle of winter.
29. Gross fall-scented candles smell like a pumpkin ate another pumpkin and took a ****.
30. When people exhale way too hard trying to see their breath like that’s something to be proud of.
31. Everyone gets sick.
32. Everyone is coughing.
33. People go to work when they’re sick and cough all over the GD place.
34. People become obsessed with talking about flu shots.
35. “Hello” is replaced by “Did you get a flu shot yet?”
36. Your skin shrivels up and dies (gets dry).
37. Mice go indoors and terrorize your life.
38. It gets dark mad early and then people won’t shut up about how the weather affects their “mood.”
39. People talking about how much they like fall





40. Taking your AC out is one of the most scary, unpleasant tasks.
41. Gourds again.
42. Wearing socks again.
43. When it’s like 60 degrees out and someone is wearing a scarf and a winter coat and you’re like “IT’S NOT EVEN THAT COLD.”
44. Cold, windy rain.
45. Rosé season ends. It is now nearly impossible and socially unacceptable to find and drink rosé.
46. Summer beers go away and are replaced by pumpkin beer.
47. You’re literally getting paler by the day.
48. You have to find some place to stash all your summer clothes.
49. Raking leaves sucks.
50. Leaves smell like dirt.
51. Gourds one more time
52. The word “brisk.”
53. Not knowing if you just stepped in wet leaves or dog ****.
54. And finally — lists about fall:

MAD IN NC

Food for Thought
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - were all single. The only married main character was Otis, and he was the town drunk.

Just sayin






Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors: So now you have the conversion table
~ Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
~ 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
~ 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
~ Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
~ Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
~ Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
~ 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
~ 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
~ Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
~ 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
~ Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
~ 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
~ 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
~ 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
~ 8 nickels = 2 paradigms



My Dear Friend:
I have the "distinguished honor" of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.

It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
Thank you,

Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee


I'd feel safer if these guys were flying the plane I was on.

I was standing at the bar in Philly Airport waiting for my flight to North Carolina when this small A Chinese guy comes in. He stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the **** you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little plick."

Proof people can be dicks....























































Murphy's 15 Other Law’s
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Ponderisms
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?



A POEM: THAT WAS US
A little house with three bedrooms,
One bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
To make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall,
We only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
Someone was always home.

We only had a living room
Where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
In the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
Or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family,
Those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set,
And channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
With something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
That tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor,
There was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
My mother liked to cook.
And nothing can compare to snacks
In Betty Crocker's book.

Weekends were for family trips
Or staying home to play.
We all did things together –
Even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
Depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because
We liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
To do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were
Without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies
With your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare
To watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees
And never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
With all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball –
And no game video.

Remember when the doctor
Used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
Or a lawyer to defend.

The way that he took care of you
Or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived
To do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
And shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it,
You used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe,
Or punch in some amount,
And remember when the cashier person
Had to really count?

The milkman used to go
From door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
Than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
Came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads
Sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name
And knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed
To "present occupant.”

There was a time when just one glance
Was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car,
The model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles
Trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins
And really had some style.

One time the music that you played
Whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record
Called a forty-five.

The record player had a post
To keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down
And play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
Just like we do today,
And always we were striving,
Trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
Still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game,
Just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
Between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel, red machines
Had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
Slower in some ways,
I love the new technology, But
I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
And nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce
And walk down memory lane.

With all today's technology
We grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
HEY LOOK, GUYS, THAT WAS US!

Kerrmudgeon

Two female friends are catching up . . .

So, how was your evening last night??

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later!

And you? - Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home fromwork. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home,under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...


Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...

So, how was your evening last night?? - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You??

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When Iswitched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full! The dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ****ing candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

Curvette1

"I love you, sweetheart."
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a lovingrelationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

"I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are hilarious 12 replies.

If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Curvette1

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers





Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over


Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.





As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an
ID ten T error


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
He said, 'Write it down and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:



ID10T

Curvette1

1. I had amnesia once ... maybe twice.

2. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

3. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

4. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

5. If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

6. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

7. They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

8. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

9. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

10. One nice thing about egotists; they don't talk about other people.

11. My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.

12. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

13. How can there be self-help "groups”?

15. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

16. Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

17. Is it me … or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Curvette1

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman

in his 80's

arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.





I took his vital
signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour

before someone
would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I
was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was
well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed

supplies to
remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of
his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment

this morning, as
he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to
the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I inquired as to her
health.

He told me that she had been there
for a while and that she was a victim of

Alzheimer's Disease.

As we
talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He
replied that she no longer knew who he was, that

she had not recognized him

in
five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still

go every morning,

even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he
patted my hand and said,

'She doesn't
know me, but I still know who she is.'


and I thought,

'That is
the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is
neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an
acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not
be.

With all the jokes
and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes

along that has an
important message..

Curvette1

A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok! Ok! I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." And the robot slaps him again.

The son says, "Alright, already! We were watching ****."

"What!?" Yells Dad. "At your age I didn't even know what **** was."

The robot promptly slaps Dad.

"Ha!" laughs Mom, "he certainly is your son."

And the robot slaps the mom.

Curvette1

a 60 old woman decided she needed to spice things up with her husband. She remembered when they were first married, in their 20s, she would go braless and he couldn't keep his hands off of her. So she goes into the bedroom and takes off her bra and puts her blouse back on, then goes to the living room and stands between the TV and her husband.

She asks, "So! What do you think?"

He says, "Oh my goodness. you look 40 years younger!"

She asks, "Do you really think so?"

He says, "Yes. Your **** are sagging so much that it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face."

John 65

Well its a rainy night here in Jersey but I quit...I think my head just exploded. Time for a cold one !

64Corvette

A POLISH man moved to the US and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well – until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?

Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

Man: It’s made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

Man: No, we have a carport.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like?

Man: All my relations are still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Man: We have a high fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?

Man: No, I always wake up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?

Man: No, she’s white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?

Man: She’s going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?

Man: I have proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Man: She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in bathroom.

I can read and it says: ‘Polish Remover’