stellar

A drunk sitting at a bar next to a woman asks her if he can smell her feet. Her reply is He!! no you F-ing pervert. And he says well then it must be your pu$$y.

duramaxsky

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Respect......

After retiring, a former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..............
The rest of the year went smoothly.

Kerrmudgeon

On a London underground train to St John’s to watch the cricket at Lords, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!”
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Kerrmudgeon

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks…and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

out2kayak

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."