Kerrmudgeon

I trust you're all stuffed with turkey and tons of other food this morning, and slept late? Oink!.......I'll start the gigglefest off for everyone.....
________________________________________ __________


A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are drinking in a bar....


the Mexican takes a drink, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with a .38 revolver.
Then says: "In Mexico we have so many glasses that we don't have to drink from the same glass twice!"

The Arab not to be outdone; takes a drink, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with an AK47.
then shouts:
"In the middle East, we have so much sand to make glass from, we don't have to drink from the same glass twice!"

The Texas girl thinks; then takes a loooooong drink while the Mexican and Arab waits for her exclamation.

she slams the glass down, shoots the Arab and Mexican in the head and states:
"In America we have so many illegals we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!"



People behaving badly....

Kerrmudgeon

This is from the Marines but just about all military can identify with it.

Kerrmudgeon

......with a sharp tongue:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it,

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on my list.

3.Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up--we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in afruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Kerrmudgeon

CONFESSION

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.

Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister.

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home.

My wife died a year ago."

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Hope you had your breakfast.......

plaidside

A Love Story:

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the cell phone. The wife said, "Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said, "You remember the jewelry store we went into about years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to trickle down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop", she replied.
"Well, I am in the pub next door to that."

azmusclecar

The Haircut ---

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:

Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair,

Moses had long hair,

and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!




"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

This one's not a joke, it's an actual sign that the sheriff of the county put up as he says to give voice to the silent majority!

MAD IN NC

What?




The new sales flyer for Black Friday...

















5 FACTS ..... A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot
friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND ………
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found
that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.





So this retired guy sits around the house all day. Wifey says, "You could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Guy gives it a moment's thought and says, "Sure, why not. Show me to the vacuum."

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

Wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum running. I thought you were using it?"

Exasperated man answers, "The stupid thing is broken, won't start. Got to buy a new one."

"Really", she says., "Show me - it worked fine the last time." So he did ...

NOW CLICK ON THE BELOW LINK Helping the wife
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4u...0dN/view?pli=1






A MAN SEES THINGS DIFFERENTLY THAN A WOMAN DOES
For all men and women who remember the past, how different we are!

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print.

She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.



"Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation,

"That's my old Ford!"




An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with **** like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."



a short lesson on a good pool shot
How To Use A Thong: 
A Sexy Woman Shows How its Done






African Safari
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased
down by a cheetah. The wife told the husband,
“If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a
blow job every day for the rest of your life.”
For the results, click on the link.
 


ricks327

Curvette1

ACROSS THE STREET
>
> She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.
>
> I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
>
> I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
>
> I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
>
> "Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
>
> Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

Curvette1

An actual tweet from Chicago:

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but
apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

Kerrmudgeon

Happy Birthday Curvette!!!(Suzan)

64Corvette

Don't let this happen to you!

Kerrmudgeon

U.S. military free 47 sex slaves from I.S.I.S.

ricks327

vetsvette2002

Good tech tip, thanks.

64Corvette

Name this Song
This song was popular in the 60's and we could all dance to it.
Can you name the song, just by looking at the picture?


You'll kick yourself!! Think harder!!!!!

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MOONRIVER!!!!!

Hey, don't blame me. I'm just passing this along to those whose sense of humor I believe is as warped as mine.