Kerrmudgeon

HOW OLD GUYS PICK UP WOMEN

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....
But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us.
All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought .......
"Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money!!"




'Evening ladies and gents, sorry for the delay this morning, and to Jack for opening the doors.
......dang hard drive locked up on me.....nothing that 200$ couldn't fix! Grrrrrr......

Kerrmudgeon

Found my wife's (of 37 years) hope chest, opened it and found 15K in cash and three chicken eggs...finally had the guts to ask her about it. She said that each chicken egg represented an incident of bad sex with me. Not bad I thought, what's the 15 thousand in cash. She replied, "whenever I got 12 eggs I sold 'em".

Kerrmudgeon

a real dilemma.....

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"




You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The simple answer: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'"


HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


You gotta love happy endings.

GEM '62

I became confused when I heard the word " Service " used with these agencies:

1, Internal Revenue "Service".

2, U.S. Postal "Service".

3, Telephone "Service".

4, Cable T.V. "Service".

5, Civil " Service".

6, State, City, County & Public "Service".

7, Customer "Service".

This is not what I thought "Service" meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he
had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.

BAM !!! It all came into focus. "Now I understand what all those
agencies are doing”.





I hope that YOU are now just as enlightened as I am.

Kerrmudgeon

A man is Charged with Necrophilia....
And the Judge says I haven't seen such a disgusting case in my 30 years on the bench. Gave you give me one good reason why I should not put you away for life?

The man relies: I can give you three.
It's none of your business
She's my wife
And I didn't know she was dead since she always acts that way.....





alternative ending....., and the dishes kept piling up.

GEM '62

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/pr...lary-Queen.jpg

As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus. The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi - in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you, the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your poverty and needs.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor that we removed thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful officials later forced us to return many of these treasures. Now happily,benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to scrape by.

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment, that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting. After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000 a year to run the 'Foundation'.

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then, when the time for the royal election (Coronation) comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with my assurance that I will continue King Obama’s policies, and we can all live happily ever after.

Your Queen-in-Waiting,
Hillary Rodham Clinton

duramaxsky

fyreline

Sorry, I just can't picture her as any kind of queen. All that pops into my head whenever I see a picture of her is: "I'll get you, my pretty . . . and your little dog, too!"

Kerrmudgeon

This prank gone wrong vid has been around for a while, but it's always worth a laugh!.....

duramaxsky

It's still there and it's still funny.

Roger Walling

steampunkc1,

Regard your obsession with sex in your jokes, at my age I don't thing about sex any more so in the future, please continue with them and it will remind me of yesteryear.

ricks327

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?


He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.

I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

ricks327

A businessman is about to have some very serious and delicate surgery. Just before he was to be put under, the surgeon dropped
in to see him.

The surgeon said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing days are over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's
a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again!"

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the
golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "Not only that," continued the golfer "my
handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an
erection I also get a headache."

Kerrmudgeon

Hey Rick....you should save those late entries for next week. I was surprised to see the FF still going. Cheers!

Funny stuff!


I see that pic and the F bomb are gone......right klik saved in time!












.

duramaxsky

I saved it as well. I may post it on the Duramax forum. It won't bother anyone there. The one about the black eye is gone too.

Bangkok Dean

Bangkok Dean

Subject:Re: Neighbours


There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by an old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without a leash. Her car doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never had a regular job in her life and her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed her for arranging the murder of her son's ex-wife and her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always out partying in nightclubs. One of them got married and seems to be settling down but the second is out of control. It is not even known if they have the same father.
I hate living near Buckingham Palace.

Bangkok Dean