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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(@)(@)FRIDAY FUNNIES(@)(@) Feb.12th weekend
Good Morning Everyone Happy Birthday to Honest Abe today....he'd be 200 years old today! Yikes!
________________________________________ ______
Last month,...... a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest
opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of
the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Great Britain everyone hung
up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Grandma's boyfriend....
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
adjusting the *****, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
A few cool visuals for you......vadered from a neighbour.
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 02-12-2016 at 01:01 AM.
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed
the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. To look for pyramids... it wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross
the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory Mcllroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top of the mornin to ya"
As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Rory.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my ***** on when I drive," replies Rory.
"Aw,Jaysus, Maryan' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?’;
The husband looks up from his cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of
the day we met.'
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second
"I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes.
"I used them to patch the hole."
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said,
"Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one
Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with any person,
1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage
1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM
1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint
1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones
1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system
1966: Disco
2016: Costco
1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test
1966: Whatever
2016: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1998.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine..
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Subject: Horsepower vs Stupidity
Did you notice these are all high end sports cars and probably driven by someone who doesn’t understand what being being the wheel means...STUPID!!! AND SO MANY OF THE ONES WHO CAUSE THE ACCIDENT JUST GO MERRYILY ON THEIR WAY....
Documented proof that the universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.......
(and for those that know Andy, he is shown in the video)
Happy hour in Bangkok
Beats the **** outta chicken wings!!!!
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei calls Trump and tells him, "Donald, stay out of office. Because last night I had a wonderful dream. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Trump asks. Ali replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN.
"Trump says, "You know, Ali, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.
"What did it say on the banners?" Ali asks.
Trump replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
It's hard to beat Israeli technology
Tel Aviv, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device
that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this
crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce
a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!" BRILLIANT
Wedding Text Messages
The Bureau of Meteorology forecasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a few good inches overnight.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
" Confucious say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
Go for it mate. We all did!
All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Don't spring on the Inner-spring this spring or there will be an off-spring next spring.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Travel Agency to Bride: The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Football coach to bride: If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him off.
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
More Non PC Pics...
A Tale of Two Cities
Chicago Houston
Population 2.7 million 2.15 million
Median Home Income $38,600 $37,000
%African-American 38.9% 24%
% Hispanic 29.9% 44%
% Asian 5.5% 6%
% Non-Hispanic White 28.7% 26%
Pretty similar until you compare the following:
Chicago , IL Houston , TX
Concealed Carry - Legal No Yes
# of Gun Stores None 184 Dedicated gun stores plus 1500 - legal places to buy guns--Walmart, K-mart, sporting goods, etc.
Homicides, 2012 1,806 207
Homicides per 100K 38.4 9.6
Avg. January high temperature (F) 31 63
Conclusion: Cold weather causes murders.
This is due to global warming (caused by George W. Bush)
This 1967 true story is of an experience by a young 12 year old lad in
Kingston, Ontario, Canada. It is about the vivid memory of a privately
rebuilt P-51 from WWII and its famous owner/pilot.
In the morning sun, I could not believe my eyes. There, in our little
airport, sat a majestic P-51. They said it had flown in during the
night from some U.S. Airport, on its way to an air show. The pilot
had been tired, so he just happened to choose Kingston for his stop
over. It was to take to the air very soon. I marveled at the size
of the plane, dwarfing the Pipers and Canucks tied down by her. It
was much larger than in the movies. She glistened in the sun like a
bulwark
of security from days gone by.
The pilot arrived by cab, paid the driver, and then stepped into the
pilot's lounge. He was an older man; his wavy hair was gray and
tossed. It looked like it might have been combed, say, around the
turn of the century. His flight jacket was checked, creased and worn -
it
smelled old and genuine. Old Glory was prominently sewn to its
shoulders.
He projected a quiet air of proficiency and pride devoid of arrogance.
He
filed a quick flight plan to Montreal ("Expo-67 Air Show") then walked
across the tarmac.
After taking several minutes to perform his walk-around check, the > tall,
lanky man returned to the flight lounge to ask if anyone would be
available
to stand by with fire extinguishers while he "flashed the old bird up,
just
to be safe." Though only 12 at the time I was allowed to stand by with
an
extinguisher after brief instruction on its use -- "If you see a fire,
point, then pull this lever!", he said. (I later became a firefighter,
but
that's another story.) The air around the exhaust manifolds shimmered
like
a mirror from fuel fumes as the huge prop started to rotate. One
manifold,
then another, and yet another barked -- I stepped back with the others.
In
moments the Packard -built Merlin engine came to life with a thunderous
roar. Blue flames knifed from her manifolds with an arrogant snarl. I
looked at the others' faces; there was no concern. I lowered the bell
of my
extinguisher. One of the guys signaled to walk back to the lounge. We
did.
Several minutes later we could hear the pilot doing his pre-flight
run-up. He'd taxied to the end of runway 19, out of sight. All went
quiet for several seconds. We ran to the second story deck to see if we
could catch a glimpse of the P-51 as she started down the runway. We
could
not. There we stood, eyes fixed to a spot half way down 19.
Then a roar ripped across the field, much louder than before. Like a
furious
hell spawn set loose -- something mighty this way was coming. "Listen > to
that thing!" said the controller.
In seconds the Mustang burst into our line of sight. It's tail was
already off the runway and it was moving faster than anything I'd ever
seen
by that point on 19. Two-thirds the way down 19 the Mustang was
airborne
with her gear going up. The prop tips were supersonic. We clasped our
ears
as the Mustang climbed hellishly fast into the circuit to be eaten up > by
the
dog-day haze. We stood for a few moments, in stunned silence, trying to
digest what we'd just seen.
The radio controller rushed by me to the radio. "Kingston tower
calling Mustang?" He looked back to us as he waited for an
acknowledgment. The radio crackled, "Go ahead, Kingston." "Roger,
Mustang.
Kingston tower would like to advise the circuit is clear for a low > level
pass." I stood in shock because the controller had just, more or less,
asked the pilot to return for an impromptu air show!
The controller looked at us. "Well, What?" He asked. "I can't let that
guy
go without asking. I couldn't forgive myself!"
The radio crackled once again, "Kingston, do I have permission for a
low
level pass, east to west, across the field?" "Roger, Mustang, the
circuit is
clear for an east to west pass." "Roger, Kingston, I'm coming out of
3,000
feet, stand by."
We rushed back onto the second-story deck, eyes fixed toward the > eastern
haze. The sound was subtle at first, a high-pitched whine, a muffled
screech, a distant scream. Moments later the P-51 burst through the
haze.
Her airframe straining against positive G's and gravity. Her wing tips
spilling contrails of condensed air, prop-tips again supersonic. The
burnished bird blasted across the eastern margin of the field shredding
and
tearing the air. At about 500 mph and 150 yards from where we stood she
passed with the old American pilot saluting. Imagine. A salute! I felt
like
laughing; I felt like crying; she glistened; she screamed; the building
shook; my heart pounded. Then the old pilot pulled her up and rolled,
and
rolled, and rolled out of sight into the broken clouds and indelible
into my
memory.
I've never wanted to be an American more than on that day! It was a
time
when many nations in the world looked to America as their big brother.
A
steady and even-handed beacon of security who navigated difficult
political
water with grace and style; not unlike the old American pilot
who'd just flown into my memory. He was proud, not arrogant, humble,
not a
braggart, old and honest, projecting an aura of America at its best.
That America will return one day! I know it will! Until that time,
I'll just send off this story. Call it a loving reciprocal salute to a
Country, and especially to that old American pilot: the late-JIMMY
STEWART
(1908-1997), Actor, real WWII Hero (Commander of a US Army Air Force
Bomber Wing stationed in England), and a USAF Reserves Brigadier
General, who wove a wonderfully fantastic memory for a young Canadian boy that's
lasted a lifetime.
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a
chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought
this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it
your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s
name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must
tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother –
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I
hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and
it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that
didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs
my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because
as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started
struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the
ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the
cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the f***ing putt, didn’t you?’
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A late one, hope it's not above, no time to read......
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like
Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round , he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home
to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said
to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?
"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf
shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
“IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Another late entry, from our friend Bill Schmitt......
ONE SMART FLIGHT ATTENDANT...
Hooray to this attendant. We should never, under any circumstances, give in to someone with a request like this. They have no right to demand such a favour.
A 50-something Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat Sir?"
After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "There are no more empty seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class?"
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and said "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force anyone to sit next to any UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class!"
Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said, "Therefore, madam, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation!
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 02-14-2016 at 05:55 PM.
02-12-2016, 01:00 AM
(@)(@)FRIDAY FUNNIES(@)(@) Feb.12th weekend
Happy Birthday to Honest Abe today....he'd be 200 years old today! Yikes! 
