Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone! . Yup, May starts this weekend....time to get the rides out in the winter belt areas.
Ok, ......whadda ya got for yuk yuks people??? :
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A few cool borrowed visuals from next door.....









































I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

And I don't have acne. Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

Kerrmudgeon

Not a joke but a test to see how well you know your geography. I didn't do that well but I have an excuse.........
Post your results if you dare!

http://online.seterra.net/en/vgp/3003

Kerrmudgeon

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using
the timer.

5. You lick your coffeepot clean.

6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you
don't even work there.

8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their
margaritas.

10. You can jump-start your car without cables.

11. All your kids are named "Joe."

12. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

15. People get dizzy just watching you.

16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up.
Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."

21. Instant coffee takes too long.

22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity
in a coffee can.

24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

26. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

32. You don't tan, you roast.

33. You can't even remember your second cup.

34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."

35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."



You Know You're on a "No Frills" Airline When...

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
*
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
*
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
*
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
*
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
*
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
*
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
*
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
*
The ground crew uses jumper cables and an old pickup truck to start the
engines.
*
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

Jan25

88%... Not sure I would do as well with Swiss cantons

Kerrmudgeon

Three Blondes and the meaning of Easter......

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to.
tell him what Easter represented..

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast.
and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth.
and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,.
"So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish.
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples.
when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The.
Romans Hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried.
Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the.
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

Kerrmudgeon

King Arthur's decision.....

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
put to death....

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know
the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept
her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature.

Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed,
and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants
is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch
had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it
was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what
had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her
when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful
maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the
night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During
the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Arthur chose follows below......but don't read until you've made
your own choice.......

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:

If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

ILBMF

Good stuff as usual

GEM '62

100%. I'm so old, when I went to school, they taught Geography.

GEM '62

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.

GEM '62

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"(MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

GEM '62

GEM '62

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...4b15&zw&atsh=1

64Corvette

64Corvette

Kerrmudgeon

C1 driver

100% in 2:22.

warrenmj

too funny

vetsvette2002

1:51 100%

Kerrmudgeon

Blonds, and why we love 'em!

MAD IN NC

The evolution of the French Beach....












Die you Infidel!!! May the fleas of 1,000 camels infest you! I know what you were expecting.....you filthy Infidel!!!



The NFL draft is here! I thought this would be appropriate.




Doctor's orders.....

This is why you (a Senior?) should listen to your Doctors instructions.

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!



A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was "It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one,

Mom fainted Dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."