Kerrmudgeon

Hey everybody . Hope everyone's doing well this weekend. Victoria day weekend up here so it's a long weekend for us!
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Little Rotten Johnny.....

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids, what do they need at home?
1st kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response

Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure.
When my sister started dating a Muslim,
I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last f-cking thing we need."



A few great visuals........

Kerrmudgeon

A couple of funny pics.....

66jack

Kerrmudgeon

A golden oldie......


A Frog in My Throat

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer. The frog
says, "Hi, what's your name?"

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack, can
I help you? "

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says,
"Okay, what's your name? "

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger. "

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay, do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will
this do?"

The loan officer says, "I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank
manager."

The frog says, "Tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse
me. but there's this frog out here named Kermit Jagger who
wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this
pink elephant. I'm not even sure what it is.

The bank mananger says, "IT'S A NICK-NACK PADDYWACK,
GIVE THE FROG A LOAN, HIS OLD MAN IS A ROLLING STONE."



Remembering George Carlin......

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?

2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them
would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

4. What's another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on
their signs?

7. When you open a bag of cotton *****, is the top one meant
to be thrown away?

8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

10. Why do they report power outages on TV?

11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that
is eating an endangered plant?

12. Is it possible to be totally partial?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive
with their headlights off?

17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a
sound?

18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to
hear him, is he still wrong?

19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?



The Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop,
"it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."



Listen to your mother!....

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Kerrmudgeon

Little Billy ......

.......came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Kerrmudgeon

A loyal wife....

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

ILBMF

Happy Friday!!

plaidside

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice. After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening
about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies: "It's Frank, the midget."

64Corvette

Jim Henson was psychic!

ricks327

Police Report of the Year

The Richland Police report finding a man's body in the Columbia River, near the confluence of the Yakima River, at Columbia Park.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and a ‘Hillary for President' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Hillary T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.



In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care.

ricks327

Prostate Exam


An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your ***** to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...two…three…"

ricks327

Kerrmudgeon

I AM HEATED RIGHT NOW!!
I NEED TO VENT!!!!!
So I went to Walmart to get some stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No big deal. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, "What the heck is her problem?!" I finish up my shopping and head to the cashier. Guess who is there ahead of me? Right. The staring lady! She turns around and starts staring at me again. So I start playing with my phone because at this point it's getting weird. Super uncomfortable!
Finally she says, "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who passed away." I thought to myself, "It makes sense now." I felt kind of bad for thinking she was a weirdo and said, "Sorry for your loss." She says, "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and I'll understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama"? Inside I was like HECK NO crazy lady, but I know people have different ways of getting over a loss so I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves.
The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87 and I'm like, Hold up. I just bought a few things and I knew it should have been like $20. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "WTH?!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her stuff along with your things. I told her that that woman was NOT my mom. She said, "Well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama." I'm like OMG! I can't believe this!
I flew out of the store looking for this awful woman, ready to drag her back in the store by her hair!!! I see her loading up her car and I started running towards her. She saw me and jumped in her car so fast. I got to her just as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg. She struggled but I kept pulling until her wooden leg popped off right in my hands!! Im thinking, OMG! Is this really happening right now?!
So I dropped the wooden leg and grabbed her other leg and started pulling...
Just like I'm pulling yours right now!

Kerrmudgeon

ricks327

Borrowed from my buddy Bad Ump, thanks Rog.

Blonde Mortician

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blond says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

64Corvette

GEM '62

Kerrmudgeon

the sportsman's double.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old. We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"