(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) May 27 weekend...
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(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) May 27 weekend...
Good Morning everyone, time for a coffee and a chuckle to start your weekend off right. Feel free to add what you've heard lately....
________________________________________ ____________
When you are over seventy...
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches..but, when you’re over seventy................who cares?
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
Lady Cashier: She threw everything on the counter at me until I left
When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but when you’re over seventy................who cares?
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
Some cool visuals from my friend Bill.....
________________________________________ ____________
When you are over seventy...
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches..but, when you’re over seventy................who cares?
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
Lady Cashier: She threw everything on the counter at me until I left
When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but when you’re over seventy................who cares?
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...When you’re over seventy................who cares?
Some cool visuals from my friend Bill.....
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 05-27-2016 at 12:03 AM.
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jerry gollnick (05-27-2016)
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Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 05-27-2016 at 12:20 AM.
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Store policy.....
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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jerry gollnick (05-27-2016)
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The Vanilla Pudding Robbery
This is just too funny not to share.. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered littlebowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
This is just too funny not to share.. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered littlebowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....
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Kerrmudgeon (05-27-2016)
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Kerrmudgeon (05-27-2016)
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Crowd Plow For Now
Forgot the Lipstick
Don’t you just hate it? ……you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; smokin' hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE … you forgot the lipstick… the whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there!.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ... You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other idea’s, please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it
Don’t you just hate it? ……you get all dressed up; you're looking hot; smokin' hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE … you forgot the lipstick… the whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there!.
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ... You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other idea’s, please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it
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Crowd Plow For Now
Actual Advertisement from the Swedish Police.
Obviously an effective ad to keep the bad guy from running. Probably minimize bullet and Taser arrests too.
The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this...
On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing my car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.
The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized... his car was gone.
He called the police and reported the theft and then went back and bought a quart of pistachio ice cream. About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town.
It was unharmed and he was relieved. It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars worth of gas.
Then all three of them walked around the car. Then they all got in the car and drove off, without filling the tank.
The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped and then abandon the car later and walk away?
Answer: They couldn't find where to put the gas!
Dicken's Cider Advertising--- Only in Australia
After watching the ad wait a minute or so to see the bloopers.
Obviously an effective ad to keep the bad guy from running. Probably minimize bullet and Taser arrests too.
The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this...
On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.
He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking cigarettes and eyeing my car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.
The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized... his car was gone.
He called the police and reported the theft and then went back and bought a quart of pistachio ice cream. About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town.
It was unharmed and he was relieved. It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window and prepaid for 20 dollars worth of gas.
Then all three of them walked around the car. Then they all got in the car and drove off, without filling the tank.
The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped and then abandon the car later and walk away?
Answer: They couldn't find where to put the gas!
Dicken's Cider Advertising--- Only in Australia
After watching the ad wait a minute or so to see the bloopers.
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....
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For this weekend.......
What do you call it when you take 500 Indian Maidens and cut off their nipples........
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The Indian Nippleless 500........
What do you call it when you take 500 Indian Maidens and cut off their nipples........
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The Indian Nippleless 500........
#16
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We're in more trouble that I thought....
I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally,
I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
darn planes have numbers on them."
A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant
fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes,
what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted,
"Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The
agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.
I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in trouble!
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but Capetown is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally,
I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with
the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.
I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
darn planes have numbers on them."
A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant
fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to
go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes,
what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted,
"Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The
agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.
#17
Le Mans Master
The dickens cider was so
Funny I had to post this one- sorry the link isn't working on my phone so you'll have to copy and paste. It's another dickens.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cUC7a7zm4g4
Benton
Funny I had to post this one- sorry the link isn't working on my phone so you'll have to copy and paste. It's another dickens.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cUC7a7zm4g4
Benton
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Kerrmudgeon (05-28-2016)
#19
Burning Brakes
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.
I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ...."
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.
I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ...."
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Kerrmudgeon (05-28-2016)
#20
Burning Brakes
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called
out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, she said, (visible undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty and very persuasive .... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly."She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, she said, (visible undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty and very persuasive .... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly."She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
The following users liked this post:
Kerrmudgeon (05-28-2016)