Kerrmudgeon

'Morning Ladies and Gents, not much in my in-box this weekend but I'll start it off for you other funny guys......
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Let's start it off with a really smart kitty kat.......





And.....a few cool visuals.....


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Looking for hardware.....

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big
*****, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."




Not that there's anything wrong with that....

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."



Heaven's Gate......

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."




Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"




Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.




Arresting behaviour.....

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand: "What is your name?" he asked. "John," the guy answered. "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered. The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one. "What's your name?" he asked. "John," the guy answered. "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked. "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered. Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy. "What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said. "No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

steampunk c1

My First Compound Bow






Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little compound bow beginner kits.

Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? They're tough!

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard.

I looked over under the Lean-too of the barn and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump.

I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself; (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of Ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta - kinda dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what?

Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too.

Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke powered arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow.

In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my Pa getting out of the truck...OH NO! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that flaming arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a "What In Tarnation!!!" look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.

Oh NO!!!.

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 ground shaking decibels of sound.

I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big fir tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-gun got up and ran off or something.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:

ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. CEASE FIRE!!!!! Of note; Pa was not a Vietnam war vet.

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard.

There is a Honda 185 3-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are melted all drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my Pa at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter.

I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt another sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

I remember at one point my Ma had to give me CPR. and Pa screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Ma I love you too.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Ma had been *****ing about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Pa sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into Archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

Kerrmudgeon

ILBMF

Gotta love that group effort moving the building.

plaidside

A short gun story.....
A guy walked into a crowded bar,
waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45
caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in
the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with
my wife. A voice from the back of the room called
out, "You need more
ammo!”

Bowtyeguy

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

Bowtyeguy

Print out several copies of this,

keep them in the glovebox of your car, and pin them under appropriate motorists' windshield wipers:

Hi Friend,

I just wanted to let you know that some knucklehead vandalized your car by slapping a Hillary sticker on it.
The last thing you want is to be driving around all day, looking like an idiot.

Take care,
A Good Samaritan




A fireman was at the station house when he noticed a little
girl next door. She was in a little red wagon with little
ladders hanging off the side.


She was wearing a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied
to a dog.


The fireman asked her, "Hey little girl. What are
you doing?"


She said, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and
this is my fire truck."


The fireman walked over to take a close look then said, "Little
girl, that sure is a nice fire truck."


She said, "Thank you Mister."


The fireman look a little bit more closer and noticed that
the little girl had tied the dog to the wagon by it's
*********.


The fireman said, "Little girl, I sure don't
want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were
to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could
go faster."


The little girl said, "You're probably right
Mister. But then I wouldn't have a siren."





Sign on a Bar Door

Men - No Shirt No Service

Women - No Shirt No Charge

Black 03 Z06

Funny stuff on a Friday morning, thanks for the laughs.

I cannot watch that guy jumping from building to building. Insane.

ricks327

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their ANNUAL
shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man wrapped in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No chit?"

God Bless America. This story has been Verified by Brian Williams NBC anchor news and Hillary Clinton. They were there when it happened.

ricks327

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your as*hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies'.

warrenmj

How about a "Nixon" theme today.

Kerrmudgeon

Man and Woman Conversation.....

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man: I guess so

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Corvette Z06?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Corvette?

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Jeff Foxworthy, always good for a laugh.....

the kid C6

The video with the diver and the fish is very cute.

Kerrmudgeon

.....don't EVER slap a strange horse on the ****.....!

Kerrmudgeon

Fiscal nonsense....

Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I
want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains
cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to
the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have
everything."




The $100 Prayer

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting
$100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they
decided to send it to the President. The President was so
impressed,touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be
a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD
that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the
money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it
through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those JERKS deducted
$95.00 for taxes!




This Guy's Got the Right Idea

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and found that he
owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take
note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In
the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50
for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six
hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the
overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election
Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you to send the
above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article
- HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
Tax Payer

steampunk c1

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast .


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says,
"Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says,
"I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The Sarge says,
"Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that ...... so, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says,
"If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again."

steampunk c1

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.





He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all!!!



A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school ..."


I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce??





"Oh no, nothing like that" he said,



.

.

.

.



"No, no ... I got out of prison."

steampunk c1

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her
thighs.
To his delight, he realized she was going commando (no underwear).

She saw him staring and inquired,
"Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied.

"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you.
With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss."

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over and she asked,
"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked,
"You're kiddin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"

It's tough gettin' Old...........