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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) Labor Day weekend 2016
Yup, fall has officially started after Labour Day! Morning everyone, y'all have a great long weekend and have a few laughs along the way
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The Sheer Nightgown....
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon .
Closed coffin.
Illegal *****.....
The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal **** fighting being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster fightin", he began.
"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Longhorns, de local Cajuns, and de Demcratic Natnal Chair from N'awlins".
Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"
Holy Mackerel Andy......!
Remember these?
Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd? Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!
The other day a not so elderly (65) (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry.”
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.;
of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or, This is a fine kettle of fish! we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.Hey! It's your nickel.
Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff !
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.
We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Penguins.......
A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound.
So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"
The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so."
The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! (Penguins just LOVE Ice cream.) So he says "OK I'll be back."
He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream.
He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?"
"Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just a little ice cream!"
A DAY AT THE BEACH...
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his *****. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his *****, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the ***** around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that Im 80, the damned things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat."
Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?
Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had, gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"
Why yes, replied the southern gentleman. Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Louisiana, we lack our drinks real cold, so ah still need a piece of *** for mah bourbon.
Every once in a while you receive an email that "warms your heart" and you just can't wait to pass it along...
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
I HAD IT ALL
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So on September 11th, at 10:00 A.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and tight shorts, and the legs …
”“OK.”
Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”
Ten years later at age 50 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”
At age 60 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”
At age 70 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”
At age 80 they play
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”
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Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't...
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of "Victoria Bitter" beer cheap at my local grocery.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "what kind of beer 'ya got?"
An elderly couple visited their doctor for their annual medical. The doctor saw the husband first and after the exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health ... congratulations and keep up the good work with your daily exercising. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex the first time with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
“Hum” said the doctor ... “not exactly sure what could cause that but keep paying attention to these symptoms and get back to me if it worsens.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Would you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."
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A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"
"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"
When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lak our bourbon cold, so ah still need a piece o' *** for mah drink."
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Last edited by the kid C6; 09-02-2016 at 01:57 PM.
Given all the money (per student per year) that goes to the schools (DC: $29,409 , NY: $20,610, NY: $17,907, etc.), one must wonder if we are getting value for money:
09-02-2016, 01:35 AM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) Labor Day weekend 2016
