FRIDAY FUNNIES........is all up to you guys...
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Kerrmudgeon (09-25-2016)
09-23-2016, 10:37 AM
#22
Race Director
I Think You're The Father of one of my
Kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and
notices a very attractive woman waving at
him. She
says, "Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he
can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know
me?" To which
she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my
kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper
from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table, with
all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.
Kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and
notices a very attractive woman waving at
him. She
says, "Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he
can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know
me?" To which
she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my
kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper
from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table, with
all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.
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Kerrmudgeon (09-23-2016)
09-23-2016, 10:39 AM
#23
Race Director
A man boarded an airplane in London and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a stunning woman boarding and realized she was headed straight towards him and bingo ! She sat down in the seat right next to him.
Eager to start a conversation, he blurted out, “ Business trip or vacation ? “
She turned smiling enchantingly and said, “ Business. I am going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in Chicago. “
He swallowed hard, here was one of the most gorgeous women he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a nymphomaniac convention. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “ What’s your business role at this convention ? “
“ Lecturer “ she responded. “ “ I use my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. “
“ Really “ he said . “ What myths are those ? “
“ Well “ she explained, “ one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when in fact it is the American Indian who possesses this trait. Another, is that French men are the best lovers, when it is actually men of Greek descent. “ “ We have also found the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish, whose endurance is second to none. “
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “ I’m sorry, “ she said. “ I should not be discussing any of this with you. I do not even know your name. “
“ Tonto, “ the man said. “ Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me “ Paddy “ !
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09-23-2016, 10:40 AM
#24
Race Director
A big earthquake of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock!
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance
Latin American countries are sending clothing
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock!
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance
Latin American countries are sending clothing
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies
The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.
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Kerrmudgeon (09-23-2016)
09-23-2016, 08:35 PM
#27
Race Director
Thread Starter
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: Canada's capital
Posts: 19,777
Received 4,583 Likes
on
2,157 Posts
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Enough about my dumb toe......let's make me laugh...I need it! 
I can't type very well with this IV on the top of my hand, .....slow going.
Have a great weekend anyway everyone!
I can't type very well with this IV on the top of my hand, .....slow going.
Have a great weekend anyway everyone!
Another appt. day. Infectious diseases pinned down the staph bug to one that targets bones and heart valves? So now they've zeroed in the antibiotic that takes care of that bug, but will test the heart valves with a scope down the throat and bone scan on the toe. Jeez!.....all this from stepping on a stupid nail!
......two weeks of carrying around this bloody IV bag and getting it changed at the clinic every day......good thing I'm retired so I have time to be sick!
It sure puts the kibosh of all the outdoors fall stuff that I have to get done before the snow flies....
......two weeks of carrying around this bloody IV bag and getting it changed at the clinic every day......good thing I'm retired so I have time to be sick!
It sure puts the kibosh of all the outdoors fall stuff that I have to get done before the snow flies....
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 09-23-2016 at 08:37 PM.
09-23-2016, 08:43 PM
#28
Race Director
Thread Starter
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: Canada's capital
Posts: 19,777
Received 4,583 Likes
on
2,157 Posts
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
from Bill S.
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl in Houston, Texas. He purchased nonrefundable box seats plus airfares and rented a big fully furnished house with unlimited limo service for 3 days, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding – so…. he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Paul Cathedral church at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
And I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce,
It seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
Little children
Of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
And I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
So that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce,
It seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
Little children
Of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 09-23-2016 at 08:44 PM.
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jerry gollnick (09-24-2016)
09-23-2016, 09:20 PM
#29
Drifting
You may be the first Forum member to ever call in sick. Get well soon,the show must go on.
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said,
"Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said,
"Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."
09-23-2016, 09:31 PM
#30
Drifting
Well, at least you didn't step on a duck.
Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
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09-23-2016, 10:41 PM
#31
Race Director
The miracle of toilet paper
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
09-23-2016, 10:44 PM
#32
Race Director
Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie, with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'
Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'
Old Dingus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'
Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'
Old Dingus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
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09-25-2016, 02:57 PM
#35
Drifting
Famous Presidential Lies Contest:
Written by, To The Point News.
LB Johnson:
None of our boys will die on foreign soil.
RM Nixon:
I am not a crook
GHW Bush:
Read my lips - No New Taxes.
WJ Clinton:
I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski.
GW Bush:
Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.
BH Obama:
I will have the most transparent administration in history.
The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
The IRS is not targeting anyone.
It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
You didn't build that!
I will restore trust in Government.
The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
I am not spying on American citizens.
Obama Care will be good for America .
You can keep your family doctor.
Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
It's just like shopping at Amazon.
I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi .
I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
If elected I will end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.
And the biggest one of all:
"I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America ."
Hmm... Winner?
Written by, To The Point News.
LB Johnson:
None of our boys will die on foreign soil.
RM Nixon:
I am not a crook
GHW Bush:
Read my lips - No New Taxes.
WJ Clinton:
I did not have sex with that woman... Miss Lewinski.
GW Bush:
Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.
BH Obama:
I will have the most transparent administration in history.
The stimulus will fund shovel-ready jobs.
I am focused like a laser on creating jobs.
The IRS is not targeting anyone.
It was a spontaneous riot about a movie.
I will put an end to the type of politics that "breeds division, conflict and cynicism".
You didn't build that!
I will restore trust in Government.
The Cambridge cops acted stupidly.
The public will have 5 days to look at every bill that lands on my desk
It's not my red line - it is the world's red line.
Whistle blowers will be protected in my administration.
We got back every dime we used to rescue the banks and auto companies, with interest.
I am not spying on American citizens.
Obama Care will be good for America .
You can keep your family doctor.
Premiums will be lowered by $2500.
If you like it, you can keep your current healthcare plan.
It's just like shopping at Amazon.
I knew nothing about "Fast and Furious" gunrunning to Mexican drug cartels.
I knew nothing about IRS targeting conservative groups.
I knew nothing about what happened in Benghazi .
I have never known my uncle from Kenya who is in the country illegally and that was arrested and told to leave the country over 20 years ago.
And, I have never lived with that uncle. He finally admitted (12-05-2013) that he DID know his uncle and that he DID live with him.
If elected I promise not to renew the Patriot Act.
If elected I will end the war in Iraq and Afghanistan within the 1st 9 months of my term.
I will close Guantanamo within the first 6 months of my term.
I will bridge the gap between black and white and between America and other countries.
And the biggest one of all:
"I, Barrack Hussein Obama, pledge to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America ."
Hmm... Winner?
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