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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) Friday the 13th! January 2017 edition...
Good Morning everyone!T.G.I.F.
Just a note to let you all know I won't be here next week, so one of you jokers can open the thread for me.
I'll be under the knife for cataract surgery.....Yikes!
________________________________________ _______________
A few borrowed visuals........
Wrong approach!....
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a *******?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
More than one way.....
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Makes sense to me....
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Things to say to the Doctor before being put to sleep...
1. I looked the surgeon squarely in the eyes, and with a straight face I whispered, "I want you inside me."
2. I was being wheeled into emergency abdominal surgery once and my girlfriend was with me. We're rolling down the hall and they have the mask out to put me under and I pause and say to her "Don't let them touch my d*ck".
The nurse smirked a little and they put the mask on me. In somewhat of a panicked fashion, I pulled the mask off, stared up at my girlfriend, and with full weight and seriousness told her "hTey can look at it, but no touching". I heard the doctor laughing as the gas kicked in.
3. I once tried to say something funny right before surgery, they were about to put me out and I said, "Go easy on me doc, it's my first time."
I gave a little chuckle and so did the doctor... he then picked up a scalpel and said, "Don't worry, it's my first time too." And then I promptly blacked out…
4. Right before I went under to have surgery on my septum... I was about to start counting backwards before they put the mask on. I said, "Does anyone need anything while I'm out?"
5. "I tend to get aroused while under anesthesia, but it's fine, just tape it down if it gets in the way."
6. I had just woken up after having my shoulder worked on. I was in and out of consciousness for a bit and just generally feeling whacked out.
I guess I shifted in the bed and moved the blankets a bit and exposed myself as the nurse came in. She smiled and moved the blankets back.
I apparently told the nurse "You saw mine, do I get to see yours?
My wife was in the chair next to the bed.
7. "If I don't make it through this, tell my wife I want her to be buried alive with me."
8. When I had my wisdom teeth removed and was given general anaesthetic, I apparently said "If this is what being on drugs is like, sign me up."
He went and told on me to my mother.
9. Who's the guy with the scythe standing in the corner?
10. As they were pushing the drugs they asked me to count backwards from All I could say was, “No.” The room erupted in laughter and I was out.
11. "My twin owes me big time for this one."
12. Had to have a colonoscopy, so they gave me some medication and it was weird. Anyways, I was feeling silly and told him "First time doing **** on camera, and I'm not even getting paid."
13. "Thanks for doing this, there aren't many surgeons out there who would operate on someone without health insurance."
14. I was being put under for a wisdom tooth extraction a few years back, and it was the first time I've ever had anesthesia. They used injection method rather than gas, so they told me to watch the fluids going in so i could gauge when i'd feel sleepy. I had this idea that i would say something like "oh no, doc, i've lost my eyesight" or something else preposterous. Before i could collect my thoughts i just immediately blurted "well shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii t" (my voice progressively getting lower) and passed out.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a Texan named Jim, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was close friends."
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl here in Houston.
When he bought them, he didn't realize that it’s on the same day as his wedding – so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m.
Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year.
She will be wearing a white dress.
A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters so it can't be tweet’ed
Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law.
A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asks.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law anwers. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"
The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks. "This is my love dress," she whispers sensually. "Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
25 years married, and not a single argument
Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary...
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their happy going marriage.
NDTV corespondent was very curious to know the secret and asked the husband:
"Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband: "We are a happy couple since marriage, thanks to our honeymoon trip to Shimla."
NDTV: "Sir, tell us about it so that all couples can also be happy like you."
Finally husband agreed to reveal the secret of the happy marriage.
"For our honeymoon" recalling his old honeymoon days husband said, "We had been to Shimla (a hill station). The day after we both went for a horse ride. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way that horse jumped up suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again got on the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again was calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her a third time, she just took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"
That's it. We are happy ever after...
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.
-Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.
-NO! - exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.
-What did you tell him?
-I told him that if he didn't ate his broccoli, his dick wouldn't grow.
The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.
-What was that for? - asks he confused.
-FOR NOT EATING YOUR ******* BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!
New way found to order at local Chinese Restaurant
--Why Some Athletes Can't Get Regular Jobs
The danger of having just any sports figures as role models for kids....
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
Ah, but they all ride to the bank in a Mercedes...
Two guys over a drink at the bar. Chump: You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."
Chucky: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man." Chump: So where's the dilemma?" Chucky: To whom do you turn your back?"
the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..
the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.
the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.
the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.
"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"
"well **** no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.
01-13-2017, 01:35 AM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) Friday the 13th! January 2017 edition...
T.G.I.F. 
I also wonder if the elephant got cut from any of the damaged metal from the vehicles.
