Kerrmudgeon

A few giggles for the geriatrics in the crowd.....

Root2812

ricks327

ricks327

Two Alligators.……..

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat'em!"

"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"

"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.

"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase."

ricks327

YOUR CADDY

In golf, a caddy (or caddie) is the person who carries a player's bag and clubs, and gives insightful advice and moral support. A good caddy is aware of the challenges and obstacles of the golf course being played, along with the best strategy in playing it.

Ten Best Caddy Responses
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

ricks327

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years and it had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked ."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

ricks327

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses!)

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required, and how he cleaned off the lipstick marks every night.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers......and then there are educators!

64Corvette

Kerrmudgeon

Have a great lazy Sunday on this long weekend everyone!

64Corvette

stellar

At my 1st quick glance of Kerrmudgeon"s avatar, I wasn't sure which end I was viewing from.

ricks327

Special Package for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for businessmen - buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives, asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"


New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband,
who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number. "Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.



Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"


Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


Habit of Talking in Sleep

A lady to doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
Doctor: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake."

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around, and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife...........Natural disasters just happen.


Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."

Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?"

Doctor: "They are for you!"