Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning all
ENOUGH with the snow already! We've had more snow this year than in twenty years running. High banks, and snow dumps 30ft high throughout the city. It'll take until July to melt it all at this rate. I need a laugh.....whaddaya got?
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Kerrmudgeon

24 Signs You May Be Canadian
1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. . You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars .
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical
group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & Mike Myers are Canadians. ... also , Alex Trebec, David Foley, Matthew Perry etc.etc.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still Winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite
than, "Huh?"




BTW......It's a milk jug!

Kerrmudgeon

A few borrowed from the neighbors......

toddalin

OK...,

Some may know that I have a large scale garden railroad (1/2" = 1'). On another site, there is a build challenge where all participants are provided with the same materials and four weeks to build something with it. Total outlay can't exceed $30.

I give you the first ever...,

Ernest & Julio Gallows & Dunk Tank

Townspeople get to take the law into their own hands as they hang the prisoner by throwing ***** at a target.

The facility also serves as a d(r)unk tank and place for socialization.











You can follow my build (with lots of pics), done in CAD and cut on a laser cutter at the link:

http://largescalecentral.com/forums/...s-humor?page=1

And..., if you are so inclinded, you can view the other participants, and even vote (eventually), at the link:

http://largescalecentral.com/forums/...post_id/332234

Kerrmudgeon

Old Mrs. Pierpoint...

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."



Harry was stunned to come home....

Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.
"What on earth are you doing?" he cried.
"I can't stand it anymore!" she shrieked. "Thirty-two years we've been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I'm leaving!"
Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house... out of his life.
Suddenly, he was galvanized into action. Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, "Sylvia, you're right, you're absolutely right, and I can't bear it either. Wait a minute, and I'll go with you."



Granny's answer machine....

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.



The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old
man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?" The old man
replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she
asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a
wall."



A new soldier was on sentry du...

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"



The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

Kerrmudgeon

Wow....talk about being full of hot air!....

GEM '62

Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father, nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to
walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..'

warrenmj

I notice you didn't claim Justin Bieber. He is also Canadian.

1955 copper

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Angry at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that!
I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He almost killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Root2812

DUB

Some people can 'not let it go' and have to post political crap on a GREAT THREAD.

There is a 'political' area here on the forum for your views. Express them there freely and to your hearts content.

DUB

Root2812

Lighten up guy. They are funny pictures and this is a funny picture and joke thread. If you can't take a little humor lightly then that's your problem. I thought they were funny when I saw them so I shared with the group. I'm sure there are jokes about other politicians you think are funny.

DUB

YEAH..they are 'funny'. But 'funny' how you did not post other leaders of countries doing something 'funny'. NOW...that would have been funny and not so one-sided. But it seems FUNNY that you picked who you wanted to post.

I read this thread and all is good humor until...

I guess it all boils down to the individual and how they 'read into' what is being posted. I am just tired of the political crap and let it be expressed where it can be expressed. I KNOW that is my problem and should not have gotten into a rant.

Post what you think is funny. I will not comment any further on what you post . It is your choice...SORRY for making you feel bad...if I did.

DUB

Railroadman

Another vote for "if it's funny, it's OK". Altho I am pro-Trump, if something is funny while bashing him that's fine with me.

One favorite passtime in the OT section is bashing C-4's. I have one, I love it - yet I not only laugh at some of the put-downs, I post a few myself.

I'm a cranky old conservative Yankee white male - that should provide enough ammunition for a whole bunch of jokes. Come on with them, I can take it!

And altho I swore off posting in this weekly thread and swore off for the most part even reading it, because the same stuff gets posted week after week over and over, since I'm here I'll follow this post up with a contribution for y'all.

Railroadman

Last night I was meeting a buddy at the local bar. I walk in and at the first table were these 2 hot young babes. They both looked at me, and as I was just past them I heard one say "Nine".

Man, for an old guy like me, that made my day!

I met up with my friend and had to brag. "When I came in, one of those college girls rated me a nine!"

He said "I hate to tell you this, but when I came in, they were speaking German."

GEM '62

Who thinks this stuff up?

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned
on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro: what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn't last.

Kerrmudgeon

Less commentary ......MORE JOKES dammit!

.....or I'll take my ball and go home.
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Great party van VW......


A man walked into a bar.....

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"



Fishing trip....?

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.



Women And Golf

2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."



Rise Caesar!

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening."

The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"

And his **** rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."









....

63 340HP

It's all fun and games, until someone calls Human Resources.

Apparently Trump has a mottled skin, like an under-ripe orange. He looks sour, but finishes sweet. Bad encounters run off his hide like, well, gravel off an orange (leaving a few external scars, but the advertised promise inside appears to remains intact). Some say he is perfect, without a navel, but we know that just means he has seedy pits of bitterness to watch out for when squeezed too hard. We will just have to wait and see if he becomes more bitter by proximity to the bad oranges in the moldy bushel, or if he can leave us all with a taste better than the previous sour lemons.

Let's just agree that it is great to have a President we can poke fun at: for his looks, attitude, style, taste in companions, education, and color... without an accusation of racism or sexism.

64Corvette

Railroadman

Sit, Russ!