For all you Do-it-yourselfers!
11-07-2001, 10:17 AM
#1
Burning Brakes
Thread Starter
For all you Do-it-yourselfers!
This may sound familiar to all of us who have worked on a car or bike using a Haynes or Chiltons, or
watched someone else.... :D
Haynes: "This is a snug fit"
Translation: "Beat repeatedly with hammer"
Haynes: "Rotate anticlockwise"
Translation: "Clamp with molegrips, beat handle repeatedly with hammer"
Haynes: "Pry"
Translation: "Hammer screwdriver into"
Haynes: "Undo"
Translation: "Locate aged can of WD40. Hammer can to increase pressure.
Squirt everywhere"
Haynes: "Retain tiny spring"
Translation: "What the [Oops!] was that? It nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: "Apply moderate heat"
Translation: "Placing your mouth near it and huffing is not moderate
heat"
Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove lamp"
Translation: "Smash glass. Dig out bayonet with pliers"
Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
Haynes: "Lightly"
Translation: "Start off gently, build up pressure until veins are
standing proud of your forehead. Reread the manual because what you are doing can in no way be described as 'lightly'"
Haynes: "Weekly checks"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, don't fix it"
Haynes: "Routine maintenance"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, it sure as hell is about to be"
Haynes: "Compress"
Translation: "Squeeze with all your might, club with wrench, jump upon,
back car over, throw at garage wall, then search for battered component
in darkest corner of garage while cussing repeatedly under breath"
Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you
are looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's
going to need a new one"
Haynes: "Retaining nut"
Translation: "The hexagonal metal block you just shaved irreparably with
an imperial size spanner"
Haynes: "Using a suitable drift"
Translation: "A paving slab will suffice"
Haynes: "Get an assistant"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know"
Haynes: "Turning the engine will be much easier with the plugs removed"
Translation: "Turning the engine will be much harder, and will probably
be accompanied by some distressing noises you've never heard before. Once
that panicky, clenched feeling in your stomach has subsided, continue as
if everything is fine"
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"
Haynes: "Pry away plastic locating pegs"
Translation: "Bend back and forth repeatedly until it snaps"
Haynes: "Everyday toolkit"
Translation: "Ensure you have your AAA membership card handy and you have
charged your mobile phone"
[Modified by vallini, 8:18 AM 11/7/2001]
watched someone else.... :D
Haynes: "This is a snug fit"
Translation: "Beat repeatedly with hammer"
Haynes: "Rotate anticlockwise"
Translation: "Clamp with molegrips, beat handle repeatedly with hammer"
Haynes: "Pry"
Translation: "Hammer screwdriver into"
Haynes: "Undo"
Translation: "Locate aged can of WD40. Hammer can to increase pressure.
Squirt everywhere"
Haynes: "Retain tiny spring"
Translation: "What the [Oops!] was that? It nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: "Apply moderate heat"
Translation: "Placing your mouth near it and huffing is not moderate
heat"
Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove lamp"
Translation: "Smash glass. Dig out bayonet with pliers"
Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
Haynes: "Lightly"
Translation: "Start off gently, build up pressure until veins are
standing proud of your forehead. Reread the manual because what you are doing can in no way be described as 'lightly'"
Haynes: "Weekly checks"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, don't fix it"
Haynes: "Routine maintenance"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, it sure as hell is about to be"
Haynes: "Compress"
Translation: "Squeeze with all your might, club with wrench, jump upon,
back car over, throw at garage wall, then search for battered component
in darkest corner of garage while cussing repeatedly under breath"
Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you
are looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's
going to need a new one"
Haynes: "Retaining nut"
Translation: "The hexagonal metal block you just shaved irreparably with
an imperial size spanner"
Haynes: "Using a suitable drift"
Translation: "A paving slab will suffice"
Haynes: "Get an assistant"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know"
Haynes: "Turning the engine will be much easier with the plugs removed"
Translation: "Turning the engine will be much harder, and will probably
be accompanied by some distressing noises you've never heard before. Once
that panicky, clenched feeling in your stomach has subsided, continue as
if everything is fine"
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"
Haynes: "Pry away plastic locating pegs"
Translation: "Bend back and forth repeatedly until it snaps"
Haynes: "Everyday toolkit"
Translation: "Ensure you have your AAA membership card handy and you have
charged your mobile phone"
[Modified by vallini, 8:18 AM 11/7/2001]
11-07-2001, 12:23 PM
#6
Le Mans Master
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (vallini)
ROFLMAO!
Very good! :lol:
Personal Favorite...
Very good! :lol:
Personal Favorite...
Haynes: "Get an assistant"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know"
11-07-2001, 12:41 PM
#7
Team Owner
Member Since: Sep 2001
Location: Athens AL
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Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (Vette92)
thas about right for Haynes.
11-07-2001, 01:02 PM
#9
Safety Car
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (vallini)
Haynes: "Retain tiny spring"
Translation: "What the [Oops!] was that? It nearly had my eye out!"
Translation: "What the [Oops!] was that? It nearly had my eye out!"
[Modified by GSMVette 919, 11:03 AM 11/7/2001]
11-07-2001, 02:22 PM
#10
Drifting
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (GSMVette 919)
Dont forget "torque to yeld" Translation: Torque it till it strips and then back it off a quarter.
11-07-2001, 03:06 PM
#12
Le Mans Master
Member Since: Dec 2000
Location: Clyde Hill Washington
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Cruise-In II Veteran
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (bogus)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :crazy: :crazy: :smash: :smash: :smash: :smash: :smash: :smash:
11-07-2001, 03:12 PM
#13
Le Mans Master
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (vallini)
Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
11-07-2001, 07:02 PM
#15
Burning Brakes
Member Since: Feb 2001
Location: Wichita, Ks, USA
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Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (vallini)
Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you
are looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's
going to need a new one"
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"
Sounds exactly like our highschool shop
:yesnod: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"
Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you
are looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's
going to need a new one"
Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"
Sounds exactly like our highschool shop
:yesnod: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
11-07-2001, 08:49 PM
#19
Team Owner
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (vallini)
Sounds like you've been there :lol:
11-08-2001, 01:08 AM
#20
Safety Car
Re: For all you Do-it-yourselfers! (vallini)
Kind of like the two guys on Horsepower TV. Those guys can build a motor and have it in your car and on the dyno in 22 minutes.
I used the Haynes. It was no help when it came to removing my door panels. :lol:
I used the Haynes. It was no help when it came to removing my door panels. :lol: