Anyone have a good joke to share?
01-12-2015, 03:41 PM
#41
Burning Brakes
Surprised nobody's posted this one:
A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
01-12-2015, 03:43 PM
#42
Burning Brakes
This one might come in useful:
A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”1
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
A cop pulls a car over for speeding.
Cop: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”1
Driver: “ Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Cop: “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”
The cop, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his superior!
At his arrival, the cop told the Sheriff all that. The Sheriff told he to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Sheriff: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!”
Driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”
Sheriff: “What about the AK under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Sheriff: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment”
Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”
Sheriff: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink soda! I’ve been in my home all night with my mom and she's the most fervently religious woman you never know! That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”
01-12-2015, 03:44 PM
#43
Burning Brakes
Spare part for British car enthusiasts.
01-12-2015, 05:25 PM
#44
Team Owner
how's this one - - -
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
01-12-2015, 05:28 PM
#45
Melting Slicks
01-12-2015, 05:36 PM
#46
Cruising
Member Since: Jun 2014
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01-12-2015, 06:24 PM
#47
Melting Slicks
Guy pulls up to a small country service station and tells the gas jockey to fill 'er up and check the oil. "Where 'bouts is your bathroom?" he asks. "Right around the back sir" replys the gas jockey. A few minutes go by and the dude comes flying out from the bathroom, yelling and cursing blue murder to the gas jockey. "What kind of a @#$% place you running here?" "What seems to be the problem sir?" asks the gas jockey. "Well, I'm standing there having a leak and this guy comes up behind me and sticks a 44 in my ear and says "Give me a BJ, or I'll blow your @#$%^ head off". "Oh my God sir, what did you do?" says the gas jockey. Dude says, "You didn't hear any @#$%^ shots did you??"
01-12-2015, 06:54 PM
#48
Safety Car
Silver96 whats wrong with jokes by badump? I think you just need to grow up and understand that everything you find offensive doesn't have to be remove because you don't like what is said. I would also point out trying to bring Missouri into this discussion is just ridiculous.
01-12-2015, 07:07 PM
#49
Burning Brakes
01-12-2015, 07:26 PM
#50
Burning Brakes
01-12-2015, 08:06 PM
#51
Le Mans Master
01-12-2015, 08:25 PM
#52
Moderator
Member Since: Jun 2002
Location: Maryville Tn
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CI 5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12 Veteran
St. Jude Donor '09-'10-'11-12-'13-'14-'15-'16-'17-‘18-'19-'20-'21-'22-'23
NCM Sinkhole Donor
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.
This announcement followed Gordon 's decision to take advantage of President Obama's stimulus scheme for employing Black Harlem teenagers. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare drawing black street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon 's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon 's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
UPDATE:
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr., for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed and some photos of Jeff Gordon 's wife in the shower
This announcement followed Gordon 's decision to take advantage of President Obama's stimulus scheme for employing Black Harlem teenagers. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare drawing black street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon 's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon 's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
UPDATE:
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr., for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed and some photos of Jeff Gordon 's wife in the shower
Now I've gotta' admit...that was funny!
01-12-2015, 09:26 PM
#54
Le Mans Master
.WW
Exactly! We all do! Except one. I had an NFL joke, but I'm sure he'd really get upset!
01-13-2015, 09:40 AM
#58
Burning Brakes
And now Haynes has been bought out by Chilton's, which makes them even lower quality than before.
01-13-2015, 10:36 AM
#59
Le Mans Master
There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. 'This is great,' he thought and floored it some more.
He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. 'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
Then he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
'Sir,' he said, looking at his watch. 'My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.'
The State Trooper said, 'Have a nice day.'
He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. 'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.
Then he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
'Sir,' he said, looking at his watch. 'My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, 'Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.'
The State Trooper said, 'Have a nice day.'
