PeterB

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Oooouch!


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Speaking of NFL ***** have you hear some of the comments about the Pats yet ?



Q: What's the difference between the Patriots and cigarettes?
A: Eli Manning doesn't smoke cigarettes

If the Patriots offense is not dominant, does that make them unpatriotic?

Dad, how do you win a Super Bowl without cheating?
I don't know son, we are Patriots fans.

Q: What do the New England Patriots and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q: Why does Aaron Hernandez resort to murdering people?
A: Because Tim Tebow brings out the worst in everybody.

If your favorite quarterback invented the tuck rule, then I'm not going to question why your nursing a Bacardi Breezer.

Q: Why is Aaron Hernandez's NFL career over?
A: By the time he gets out of jail he wont have a tight end left.

Q: What will happen if Tom Brady can't make the delivery of his first child with Gisele Bundchen?
A: Bill Belichick will tape it!

Q: What is the name for Giselle & Tom Brady's baby boy?
A: Brady Bundch!

Q: How do the Patriots spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: Did you hear about Aaron Hernandez?
A: He entered prison as a tight end and became a wide receiver.

Q: Did you hear about the New England Patriots latest trade?
A: They had to give up a first round pick and a felon to be named later!

Q: How many Patriots fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they are happy living in the Giants shadow!

Q: Why is Patriots player Rodney Harrison perfect for a broadcasting job with NBC?
A: Anyone who has played with Bill Belichick knows a thing or two about being in front of a camera!

Q: What happened after a man was arrested for taping Erin Andrews in her hotel room?
A: He was immediately hired by the New England Patriots!

Q: Why are the New England Patriots like Hillary Clinton?
A: Both have Bills to push around.

Q: Why did the Boston Red Sox trade Manny Ramirez?
A: Because if he was anymore high maintenance Tom Brady might consider dating him!

Q: What's the difference between the New England Patriots and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the New England Patriots and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q. How are the Patriots like my neighbors?
A. They can't pick up a single yard!

Q: Want to hear a Patriots joke?
A: Danny Amendola!

Q: Why is Danny Amendola like a grizzly bear?
A: Every fall he goes into hibernation.

Q: What is the difference between a Patriots fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: How many New England Patriots does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The New England Patriots.

Q: What do the New England Patriots and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep the New England Patriots out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Why are so many New England Patriots players claiming they have the Swine Flu?
A: So They don't have to touch the pigskin!

Q: What is a New England Patriots fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat the Jets."

Q: How do you stop a New England Patriots fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in New York Gang Green!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of **** and an New England Patriots fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: If you have a car containing a Patriots wide receiver, a Patriots linebacker, and a Patriots defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: How do you casterate an New England Patriots fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three New England Patriots football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.


Q: What's the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. How did the New England Patriots fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: Did you hear that New England's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many New England Patriots fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!

Q: What does a New England Patriots fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do New England Patriots fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the best way to teach your dog to roll over and play dead?
A: Have him watch a couple New England Patriots games.

Q: How do you keep a Patriots fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick New Orleans gold and he won't beat it for 4 years!

Q: Why do the New England Patriots want to change their name to the New England Tampons?
A: Because they are only good for one period and do not have a second string!

Q: What's the difference between the New England Patriots & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!

Q: Where do you go in Boston in case of a tornado?
A: Gillette Stadium they never get a touchdown there!

Q. Why do ducks fly over Gillette Stadium upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Why doesn't Connecticut have a professional football team?
A: Because then Massachusetts would want one.

Q: Why are New England Patriots jokes getting dumb and dumber?
A: Because Patriots fans have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What's the difference between New England Patriots fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.

Did you hear that Gillette Stadium had to be resodded?

That's really sad when you cant even get your own grass to root for you!

Catman58

No PeterB never lived in ChiTown and not Greek, but years ago the rest of the profile would have fit Except for the good golfer part. Played one time with my then 70 year old mother who kicked my a$$ so bad I never picked up a club again. How about a Little Johnny joke

It was the Friday before a 3 day weekend and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was new to Little Johnny's fourth grade class. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. If you can answer the question correctly, you may leave early and get your long weekend started."
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, someone shouted "***** the Japanese!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "Lee Iacocca, 1982,...see ya next Tuesday."

Catman58

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey
grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the
*****.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see
what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the
guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry,
I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the
stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with
him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started
running around the bar. The Monkey found a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it,
stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his
butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender
asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut
up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the
guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to crap
out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Sam Handwich

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he
turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too
little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What
about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after
setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all
the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office,and about once a year
they send us a complete dick.

mike5511

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in my pockets.* Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, ……………..come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your darn car!"
Welcome to the golden years..............

Catman58

Oh my that is FUNNY

PeterB

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was THAT for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on. I bought you those flowers with the winnings,' he explained.

'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.


When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'

'Your horse just phoned.'




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PeterB

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IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON.....

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came
flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,Ireland's finest. He
wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so crap-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.





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Catman58

Senior Lemon Picker

*Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the* jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
*The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the* University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
*The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any* actual experience in picking lemons?"
*"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times,* Owned* 2 Ford Tarsus's and voted twice for Obama."

BLEKVET

Down in da bayou of Loosiana, Boudreaux, Thibodaux, and Clotile were sitting in detention after school. After a few hours, da teacher say to the boys, "If one of ya can tell me da meaning of Easter, ya'll can go on home." Boudreaux says to Thibodaux, "I got dis." "Da meaning of Easter is when dat fat man rides his pirogue through da sky and brings presents to all da chilrhuns on da bayou." Da teacher say, "Dats pretty good Boudreaux, but dat's not Easter, dat's Christmas." Thibodaux thinks for a minute and says, "Easter is when all da people get together and cooks da gumbo, fry da catfish and shrimp, berl da crabs and da families get togetha and say thanks for all da blessings." Da teacher say, "Thibodaux, good try, but dat's Thanksgiving." After a few seconds, Clotile stands up and say, "I'll get us out a here boys. The meaning of Easter is when dat man Jesus died for our sins. Dey buried him in a cave and tree days later he rose from the dead." Da teacher was so happy. She say, "Oh Clotile, I am so proud of you ! You got it right!"

Clotile looked at da teacher and say, "Wait a minute lady, I'm not finished. You see, he come out dat cave and see his shadow. So, he run back in and dere was tree more weeks of winter."

PeterB

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LOL Good one guys...

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Married life..


A husband and wife were in bed watching tv.


The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the **** and fishing channels.


The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the **** channel and said to hubby.



"Leave it on the **** channel you already know how to fish."





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4XLR8N

Voodoo13

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

duramaxsky

Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol . This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator . What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial .... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex -husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12- ft . alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.





The Pharmacist's Monday
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as G-d is my witness, all I did was tell her.






A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.

"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected my brothers though

BAMvette

Keep 'em coming!

UR LZN

This is a GREAT post...here's some one-liners - quick, simple, and sometimes just dumb - but they can leave 'em thinkin'...


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore... I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ********'s.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Living on Earth is expensive but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana" --- Groucho Marx

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it an odd, or an end?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn ... that was fun!"


The end (for now!)

Rico7142

very nice indeed...great jokes here

PeterB

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Some of these are classics

Anyone got any new ones. I could use a good laugh tonight...

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Sam Handwich

A multi-year study has shown: Women who are a few pounds overweight live longer than men who mention it.

Hope that helps.

ZEEZERO-6

why do attorneys wear bow-ties ................... to keep their foreskins from popping over their heads