A Little Humor
10-23-2014, 09:27 AM
#62
Le Mans Master
Pro Mechanic
Which reminds me -
I'd like to use this opportunity for a quick shout out to Cialis - thanks for making college football so damn awkward to watch with my daughter. 
Appreciate it...
Last edited by 4XLR8N; 10-23-2014 at 12:25 PM.
10-23-2014, 10:29 AM
#63
Le Mans Master
Education is Important.....Deer season is more Importanter
10-24-2014, 02:05 AM
#64
Instructor
Thread Starter
The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first ees that I iron better than ju." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first ees that I iron better than ju." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Last edited by mike5511; 10-25-2014 at 02:02 AM.
10-24-2014, 08:32 AM
#65
Race Director
Member Since: Mar 2003
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 10,789
Received 888 Likes
on
553 Posts
Oldtimer
The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first ees that I iron better than ju."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
10-24-2014, 08:33 AM
#66
Team Owner
^^^
Good one!!
Good one!!
10-26-2014, 09:56 PM
#67
Melting Slicks
The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first ees that I iron better than ju." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first ees that I iron better than ju." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than ju." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than ju in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora...... The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
lol
10-26-2014, 11:37 PM
#68
Racer
Great thread you guys
Thanks for the laughs
Thanks for the laughs
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something.
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the left door, at this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something.
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the left door, at this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.
Last edited by jfaxas; 10-26-2014 at 11:50 PM.
10-27-2014, 12:49 PM
#69
Racer
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, Want coffee.
The waiter says,"Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, Want coffee.
The waiter says,"Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day."
10-29-2014, 11:01 PM
#70
Instructor
Thread Starter
Texas Attitude
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin . As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump.. you little Yankee- Obama lovin'- Democrat Ba#t*rd. You’re holding up traffic.
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin . As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump.. you little Yankee- Obama lovin'- Democrat Ba#t*rd. You’re holding up traffic.
10-30-2014, 09:31 PM
#71
Racer
Positive Attitude
Late in the night he regained consciousness.He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your *****, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
Late in the night he regained consciousness.He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your *****, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
10-30-2014, 09:33 PM
#72
Le Mans Master
Pro Mechanic
Positive Attitude
Late in the night he regained consciousness.He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your *****, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
Late in the night he regained consciousness.He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your *****, then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
10-31-2014, 11:24 AM
#74
Racer
There's a knock at the door. The man gets up to answer it. He opens the door and there's no one there. He looks around and notices a snail on the threshold. He picks it up and throws it out into the yard.
Two years later there's a knock at the door. The man answers it, and the snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
Gunny John
Two years later there's a knock at the door. The man answers it, and the snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
Gunny John
10-31-2014, 07:21 PM
#75
Hahahaha good one!
What do you call a mushroom that buys a lot of drinks?
A Fun-gi to be with.
Blahhaahhahaaaaa
What about, what do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
Any musicians out there?
Haha hahhahaaa
Happy Halloweeneeeeeeeeee heheheeee
-
What do you call a mushroom that buys a lot of drinks?
A Fun-gi to be with.
Blahhaahhahaaaaa
What about, what do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
Any musicians out there?
Haha hahhahaaa
Happy Halloweeneeeeeeeeee heheheeee
-
11-01-2014, 12:38 AM
#77
Instructor
Thread Starter
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s an invention of mine I’ve been working on. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“Zoom out”, Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready…”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
11-01-2014, 12:42 AM
#78
Instructor
Thread Starter
A hillbilly meets a professor at the local college.
"Whaddaya teach?" the hick asks.
"Logic."
"Logic? What the hell's that?"
"Perhaps it would be better if I demonstrated it for you. Tell me, sir, do you own a Weed Eater?"
"Sure do."
"Well, then, logic tells me if you own a Weed Eater, you have a yard and, therefore, a house. Furthermore, if you have a house, it's logical that you have a family, including a wife. Indeed, proceeding by means of logic, the fact that you own a Weed Eater means that you are, in fact, a heterosexual."
"Dagnabbit," says the hillbilly. "That logic of yers is sump'n."
Back home, the hillbilly's talking with his neighbor about the professor of logic.
"Logic?" the neighbor asks. "What the hell's that?"
"Lemme show ya," says the hillbilly. "You got a Weed Eater?"
"Nope."
"******."
"Whaddaya teach?" the hick asks.
"Logic."
"Logic? What the hell's that?"
"Perhaps it would be better if I demonstrated it for you. Tell me, sir, do you own a Weed Eater?"
"Sure do."
"Well, then, logic tells me if you own a Weed Eater, you have a yard and, therefore, a house. Furthermore, if you have a house, it's logical that you have a family, including a wife. Indeed, proceeding by means of logic, the fact that you own a Weed Eater means that you are, in fact, a heterosexual."
"Dagnabbit," says the hillbilly. "That logic of yers is sump'n."
Back home, the hillbilly's talking with his neighbor about the professor of logic.
"Logic?" the neighbor asks. "What the hell's that?"
"Lemme show ya," says the hillbilly. "You got a Weed Eater?"
"Nope."
"******."
11-01-2014, 10:16 AM
#79
-
Fagott hahhahahhaha good one, I know one similar on 'Tickle your *** with a feather"
Particularly nice weather. Let me know if you want to hear it.
In the meantime...
An OB/GYN doctor finally got fed up with being a doctor and decided to become a car Mechanic. He went to the local tech school and learned everything about being a car mechanic. For his final exam, he had to take a car's engine apart and put it back together.
He got his final grade and it was 150%.
He asked his instructor 150%? I don't understand.
So the instructor explained.
You got 50% for taking the engine completely apart correctly
and you got 50% for reassembling the engine back together correctly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and you got an extra 50% for doing it all thru the exhaust pipe.
Hahhahhahaa
_________
Fagott hahhahahhaha good one, I know one similar on 'Tickle your *** with a feather"
Particularly nice weather. Let me know if you want to hear it.
In the meantime...
An OB/GYN doctor finally got fed up with being a doctor and decided to become a car Mechanic. He went to the local tech school and learned everything about being a car mechanic. For his final exam, he had to take a car's engine apart and put it back together.
He got his final grade and it was 150%.
He asked his instructor 150%? I don't understand.
So the instructor explained.
You got 50% for taking the engine completely apart correctly
and you got 50% for reassembling the engine back together correctly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and you got an extra 50% for doing it all thru the exhaust pipe.
Hahhahhahaa
_________
