A Little Humor
10-16-2014, 01:33 AM
#1
Instructor
Thread Starter
A Little Humor
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something.
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the left door, at this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something.
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the left door, at this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.
10-16-2014, 06:21 AM
#3
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An old joke, but still funny. 
10-16-2014, 06:49 AM
#4
Grandma goes to court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
10-16-2014, 06:52 AM
#5
Marrying A TEXAS Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those TEXAS girls .....
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those TEXAS girls .....
Last edited by PeterB; 10-16-2014 at 07:04 AM.
10-16-2014, 06:56 AM
#6
-
Good way to start the day... I could go on all day LOl hahahaha although that just wouldn't be right.
Lastly:
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office
to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would
be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
__________________
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells
Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your
motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you
can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out
with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates
takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to
God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor
of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a
few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer
prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur
Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people
are riding my invention than yours."
Oooooha! Enjoy your day!
-
Good way to start the day... I could go on all day LOl hahahaha although that just wouldn't be right.
Lastly:
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office
to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would
be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
__________________
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells
Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your
motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you
can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out
with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates
takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to
God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor
of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a
few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer
prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur
Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people
are riding my invention than yours."
Oooooha! Enjoy your day!
-
Last edited by PeterB; 10-16-2014 at 07:05 AM.
10-16-2014, 09:43 AM
#10
-
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose the Breast Stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied:
"Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
---
The British Judge asks the little girl:
J. - Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mommy?
LG - No, my mommy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Oakland Raiders Football team, they never beat anybody.
---
In conclusion
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, Sir
"
LOl. Hahahahahaaa
PeterB
-
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose the Breast Stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied:
"Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
---
The British Judge asks the little girl:
J. - Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mommy?
LG - No, my mommy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Oakland Raiders Football team, they never beat anybody.
---
In conclusion
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, Sir
"LOl. Hahahahahaaa
PeterB
-
10-16-2014, 01:04 PM
#11
LITTLE HUMOR;
a person asks God
person: What is a million years to you?
God: Like one second!
person: What is a million dollars to you?
God: Like a penny!
person: Can i have a penny?
God: Sure! Just a second!
a person asks God
person: What is a million years to you?
God: Like one second!
person: What is a million dollars to you?
God: Like a penny!
person: Can i have a penny?
God: Sure! Just a second!
10-16-2014, 01:27 PM
#12
Race Director
10-16-2014, 04:02 PM
#13
A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help.
"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, "You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting.
After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Corvette, not a Porsche."
"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, "You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting.
After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Corvette, not a Porsche."
10-17-2014, 12:17 AM
#14
-
Not bad. How do you like this one...
A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS SENT A FAX TO HIS WIFE ... IT READ: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him which read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, so don't wait up. Your Wife.
-
Not bad. How do you like this one...
A PROFESSOR OF MATHEMATICS SENT A FAX TO HIS WIFE ... IT READ: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him which read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, so don't wait up. Your Wife.
-
10-17-2014, 07:44 AM
#15
Team Owner
-
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office
to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would
be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join
him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly
broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office
to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would
be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Classic!!!
I hate to admit this, but even though my 95 year old mother passed away a couple weeks ago, this one still cracked me up. I must be one bad man.....
10-17-2014, 10:30 AM
#16
-
Yeah that's a funny one. I like the pigs one and the judge with the electric chair remark... LOL
Btw Whats the quickest most effective way to help women arrive at a multiple climactic orgasms?
I'm not sure, I don't really know either and who the puck cares
-
Yeah that's a funny one. I like the pigs one and the judge with the electric chair remark... LOL
Btw Whats the quickest most effective way to help women arrive at a multiple climactic orgasms?
I'm not sure, I don't really know either and who the puck cares
-
10-17-2014, 06:27 PM
#18
Safety Car
Marrying A TEXAS Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those TEXAS girls .....
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those TEXAS girls .....
10-17-2014, 06:31 PM
#19
Instructor
Member Since: Sep 2014
Location: McMurdo Station
Posts: 122
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marrying a texas girl
three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from louisiana and bragged he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from oklahoma. He bragged he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from texas. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those texas girls .....
three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from louisiana and bragged he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house
and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from oklahoma. He bragged he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from texas. He told her that her duties
were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those texas girls .....
10-17-2014, 07:03 PM
#20
Racer
great golf joke
Two friends Jerry and Roger are out golfing one morning around 11:00 am, Roger was at the tee lining up his shot on the 7th hole, then noticing a funeral procession drive by Roger stopped his play, took off his hat and held it over his heart, then after it had passed proceeded to go on with lining up his shot, Jerry then says, Hey Roger, that was a very kind thing you did by paying your respects to that family that just drove by in that funeral procession, Roger then replies saying "it was the least I could do, After all we were married for over 40 years....lol