A Little Humor
10-19-2014, 10:46 PM
#42
People wanted land, and the Populist spirit was strong in America.
People were very vocal in public places about their demands and expectations.
A man was standing on a street corner is a busy part of town. He was shouting, "I want land!. I want land!"
At this point another man walks up and kicks the first man square between the legs. And he says, "There you go. Now you've got two achers" (pronounced like "acres", if you didn't get it right away)
People were very vocal in public places about their demands and expectations.
A man was standing on a street corner is a busy part of town. He was shouting, "I want land!. I want land!"
At this point another man walks up and kicks the first man square between the legs. And he says, "There you go. Now you've got two achers" (pronounced like "acres", if you didn't get it right away)
10-20-2014, 08:22 AM
#44
Race Director
Member Since: Mar 2003
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 10,789
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Oldtimer
A husband and wife were talking one morning about death and the wife said to him, "I have one special request for my funeral service. Would you please ride to the cemetery with my mother?" The husband says, "Sure, but it'll ruin my day." 
10-20-2014, 09:29 PM
#45
Racer
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the C5 Corvette."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
10-20-2014, 09:50 PM
#46
A Black kid asks his mother, "What's a democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when White folks work real hard every day so we can gets all our Free benefits, you knows,
like Free Obama phones for each family member,
Free Welfare money,
Free Section 8 rent subsidy,
Free food stamps,
Free WIC,
Free healthcare,
Free utility subsidy,
and the list goes on and on,
you knows".
"But mama, don't the White people get mad about that?
"Sure they do, that's called Racism! 
"Well, son, that's when White folks work real hard every day so we can gets all our Free benefits, you knows,
like Free Obama phones for each family member,
Free Welfare money,
Free Section 8 rent subsidy,
Free food stamps,
Free WIC,
Free healthcare,
Free utility subsidy,
and the list goes on and on,
you knows".
"But mama, don't the White people get mad about that?
"Sure they do, that's called Racism!
10-21-2014, 03:58 AM
#47
Instructor
Thread Starter
A Black kid asks his mother, "What's a democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when White folks work real hard every day so we can gets all our Free benefits, you knows,
like Free Obama phones for each family member,
Free Welfare money,
Free Section 8 rent subsidy,
Free food stamps,
Free WIC,
Free healthcare,
Free utility subsidy,
and the list goes on and on,
you knows".
"But mama, don't the White people get mad about that?
"Sure they do, that's called Racism!
"Well, son, that's when White folks work real hard every day so we can gets all our Free benefits, you knows,
like Free Obama phones for each family member,
Free Welfare money,
Free Section 8 rent subsidy,
Free food stamps,
Free WIC,
Free healthcare,
Free utility subsidy,
and the list goes on and on,
you knows".
"But mama, don't the White people get mad about that?
"Sure they do, that's called Racism!
10-21-2014, 10:25 AM
#48
Sad but true.......bet this one won't fly.....prepare to be chastised.[/QUOTE]
I hear you. But once the one about whiskey and Irish people was up there.........
I hear you. But once the one about whiskey and Irish people was up there.........
10-21-2014, 11:41 AM
#49
Team Owner
10-21-2014, 03:42 PM
#52
Race Director
Member Since: Mar 2003
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 10,789
Received 888 Likes
on
553 Posts
Oldtimer
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been fooked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been fooked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
10-22-2014, 12:49 AM
#55
Melting Slicks
Member Since: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,491
Received 312 Likes
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227 Posts
St. Jude Donor '15-'16-'17-'18-'19-'20-'21-'22
Man works in a sausage factory. He takes his less than bright son to work for father-son day. "You see there son we put a donkey on one side of the machine and out comes sausages on the other side. The son asks his father: wouldn't it be more fun to put a sausage in and a jackass comes out the other side. Father: That machine has already been invented, that's your mother.
10-22-2014, 02:16 AM
#56
Le Mans Master
Member Since: Oct 2007
Location: Kelso Washington
Posts: 6,585
Received 548 Likes
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234 Posts
St. Jude Donor '09, '13, '15
A single woman places an ad in an internet dating service.
She writes:
I want a man that will never beat me or run away.
And he has to be able to please me in bed.
No replies until two weeks passed when there is a knock at the door.
She answers the door and nobody is there.
She closes the door and a minute later there is another knock so she opens the door again.
She hears, "Uh....down here ma'am".
She looks down and there is a man with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad Ma'am.
She says...."Now wait a minute, just how do you think you qualify?"
He says, "Well, I have no arms so can never beat you"
"And I have no legs so I can never run away".
She asks, "Okay, but what about pleasing me in bed?"
He replies, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"
She writes:
I want a man that will never beat me or run away.
And he has to be able to please me in bed.
No replies until two weeks passed when there is a knock at the door.
She answers the door and nobody is there.
She closes the door and a minute later there is another knock so she opens the door again.
She hears, "Uh....down here ma'am".
She looks down and there is a man with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad Ma'am.
She says...."Now wait a minute, just how do you think you qualify?"
He says, "Well, I have no arms so can never beat you"
"And I have no legs so I can never run away".
She asks, "Okay, but what about pleasing me in bed?"
He replies, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"
10-22-2014, 07:07 AM
#59
Team Owner
A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor in Dearborn Michigan and says, "I feel terrible."
The Doctor examines him and then says, "You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days."
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick."
The Doctor examines him and then says, "You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days."
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick."
10-22-2014, 10:14 PM
#60
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Lol very very good gentlemen...
I like Laurents the best of the four followed closely by O2s... Hahahahha good stuff.
The following is a true story;
When I was younger I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the word PNEIS and form the name of an important body part that is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors while the rest of us are sending jokes via emails.
Hahahah gotya!
Lets hear some more. I could always use a good laugh. Thank you.
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Lol very very good gentlemen...
I like Laurents the best of the four followed closely by O2s... Hahahahha good stuff.
The following is a true story;
When I was younger I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the word PNEIS and form the name of an important body part that is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors while the rest of us are sending jokes via emails.
Hahahah gotya!
Lets hear some more. I could always use a good laugh. Thank you.
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-
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Last edited by PeterB; 10-22-2014 at 11:09 PM.