Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone! ....I'm not going to be around on Friday so all you funny guys/gals will have to carry the ball around here....like you do so well.
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A few eye twisters for starters......









































An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."




Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"




Two foreign female immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"




On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

Kerrmudgeon

The last pics is from the track club of Abilene Tx, 1964! hard to believe they ran track with hairdoos like that.

sbaba

Jbabek

Thanks for keeping the jokes...i look forward to them each week...

One Big Problem...and maybe you didnt realize what it was...you have a picture of a real 2 year old child that drowned at sea last year and a ficticious man dancing at it.

Take all the shots you want at those groups that deserve their stereotypes...this is crossing a line.

ILBMF

Funny as usual, Happy Friday!

Kerrmudgeon

I had no idea. Item deleted with apologies.

Jbabek

Thank you...and now back to the jokes:

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-colored mohawk sits down. The old man just stares at the boys hair, finally the boy says "What haven't you ever done anything wild or crazy"? The old man replied "Yes, years ago I sc****d a peacock and was just wondering if your my son"?

ricks327

An Amish woman and her TEENAGE daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said,'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My ***** is frozen solid...'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and asks, 'Have you ever heard of a *****?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

ricks327

Little Hodakio...


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from
Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by
the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth.'

Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing,
"Let's try one a bit more difficult --
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what
you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and
he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodakio isn't from this country and
he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper:
"F_ _ k the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she
angrily demanded.

Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said
that?"

Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,
1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little **** --
If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the
teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, We're
screwed!"

Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4,
2008.

Curvette1

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cases of "Victoria Bitter" beer cheap at my local grocery.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "what kind of beer 'ya got?"

Kerrmudgeon

bothred

Ain't that just like Barry to put his library in a part of Chicago where they can't read.

warrenmj

Kerrmudgeon

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."




A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"




A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fecking ship?"

out2kayak

64Corvette

64Corvette

out2kayak

Mind where your wife gives birth...

out2kayak

Pretty funny:

https://video-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/...3d&oe=579EC231