Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning ladies and gents. Still on the mend with my IV bag beside me, but I'll soldier on in the quest of laughter!
Whatcha got kids?
________________________________________ ___________


A few cool visuals to start with......














































I guess they haven't hired any proof readers at Tesco....?

Kerrmudgeon

Car Keys- PRICELESS!!


They weren't in my pockets.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded
me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

He's afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The
car was nowhere in the parking lot.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my
keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been
disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he
barked, "I dropped YOU off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come
and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your damn car!"



Welcome to the Golden Years.......

Kerrmudgeon

This ad made me laugh out loud.....

Kerrmudgeon

Supposedly the same sort of thing that stealth sciences are based on in the military.....

Kerrmudgeon

I Wanna Be a Bear.....

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I
could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute
cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get
out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup..... I wanna be a bear.




The Talking Dog.....

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings
the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy
goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no
time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now
I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the
owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar."




Washday.......

A young boy goes into a store, picks the biggest box of detergent,
and heaves it onto the counter.

"My, my!" says the checker. "What's a little boy like you doing with
a big box of washing detergent?"

"I'm going to wash my dog!" the boy replies.

The checker gasps. "But that will kill him! You can't do that!"

No matter how hard the checker argues with the little boy, he won't
listen to her. The next day, the checker sees the little boy walking
around the store, looking sad. She walks up to him and says, "What's
the matter?"

He frowns and says, "My dog died yesterday."

The lady says, "Well, I told you he would! It was the detergent,
wasn't it?"

The little boy looks up at her and says, "Actually, I think it was
the spin cycle."

steampunk c1

Bob and Joanne are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public-address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Bob turns to his wife and asks, “Joanne, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Bob, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Joanne, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Joanne. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, darling,” begs Joanne. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Bob grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Joanne pulls away and asks, “What was that for?”

Bob answers, “They’ll find us!”

steampunk c1

Default


Sensitivity training for men





* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.



* The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Gail.



* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.



* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"



* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the recent floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

steampunk c1

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out
from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ....'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude,
but you have a great pair of legs!'


The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of *****.....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!

steampunk c1

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I get, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and to just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I get in. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner..
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any as it would help keep the weight off. I like to think tact is one of my strong points...
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too...
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other..
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ****, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

steampunk c1

CURTAIN RODS


On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth .... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

steampunk c1

LOVE THIS WOMAN
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"




Gotta love older people!

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach at Noosa
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "Madam if you were better looking it would lift itself."

steampunk c1

A ten year old boy and his four year old brother went to an old country store one Saturday afternoon. The ten year old boy picked out a box of tampons and he and his brother walked up to the counter to pay for his newly selected item.

The lady cashier was thinking to herself that the ten year old boy HAD to be embarrassed for making such a purchase, so to make the boy feel at ease, she said, "You must be having to buy those for your mother". The boy looked at her with a straight face and said, "No Ma'am".
So the cashier, again trying to put the boy at ease said, "Oh, so they must be for your sister". Again, the boy said, "No Ma'am".
Well, this really got the cashier's curiosity up, so she said, "Well if they are not for your mother nor sister, who are you buying these for"? The ten year old boy said, "Oh, I'm buying these for my four year old brother who is standing right here".

Stunned, the cashier asked why in the world he would buy tampons for his four year old brother.

The ten year old boy said, "Well, we were watching cartoons this morning and a commercial came on the t.v. advertising these tampons. The lady on the commercial said that if you wear these tampons, you can swim and ride a bike, and my brother can't do either one".

steampunk c1

Bed with boss????

Three girls worked in the same office for the same female
boss. Each day,
they noticed the boss left work early.
The girls decided that the next day, when the boss left,
they would leave
right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
would she know they
went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The
redhead was elated
to be able to get in a quick workout before going on a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from
inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door
and crept out of
her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was
going to go with
them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught
yesterday!"

ILBMF

The way to get a horse to raise it's upper lip like that is to rub something on it's lips that it can't digest, like meat. I used to do that to my mom's horses for a laugh.

ricks327

Lee Trevino: Why I Mow My Own Yard

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

ricks327

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic Cathedral in Washington.

He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the
congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views."

Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see
Obama as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,

"While President Obama's presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages.
Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite,
a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the
American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both in Washington and in Illinois. The man is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

dennis6605

Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?

With a pry bar.

64Corvette

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk!"

I said, "Oh really? How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

64Corvette

64Corvette