Kerrmudgeon

Good morning everyone!
We're enjoying a very mild fall up north, no snow on the ground yet, but it's coming........so it's that time that we gather round, have a drink, and a laugh........whaddaya got?
________________________________________ ______________

......




....makes sense to me!




Why drinking should be allowed at work...

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable because bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they're hammered.





From my friend Darrin.....

I was doing a search for mountain bike accessories and this was included in the search. WTF???

Amazon.com : Egoodbest ABEL Heart Shaped Bike Tail Light - Waterproof Silicon High Intensity Cycling Safety Rear LED - Fits for All Road, Racing & Mountain Bike : Sports & [email]Outdoors



A few funny visuals, more to come...:yenod:


















Hmmmm......maybe someone should have checked out these lights first!

Kerrmudgeon

Two Elderly Ladies

There was two elderly ladies that had been meeting every morning on
a park bench for several months.

One day one of them said to the other one.

I am shamed to say I can t remember your name.

The other one looked quite hurt.

What is your name?

After a long pause, she said, "How soon do you need to know."



Quotable Quotes.....

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him
in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
*
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
*
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it. --Bob Hope
*
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
*
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then
I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
*
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
*
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson
(1911-1980)
*
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor
well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
*
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your
friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken
*
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells
us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
*
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States,
unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter
bullet. --Dave Barry
*
This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper
submitted by a physicist colleague
*
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and
the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than
money. --Joey Bishop
*
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
--Franklin P. Jones
*
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD
for you. --Tommy Smothers
*
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Norm Crosby
*
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
*
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit
going to those places. --Henny Youngman
*
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
*
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
*
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in
which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran
Lebowitz
*
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin. --H.L. Mencken
*
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble.
It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward

Kerrmudgeon

15 Things It Took Me 50 Years to Learn

by Dave Barry

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings".

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.

10. You should not confuse your career with your life.

11. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

12. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

13. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

14. Your friends love you, anyway.

15. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

66jack

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

As promised....a few funny visuals.

ricks327

This is something to think about when negative people
are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going
to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?"

ricks327

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5!

ricks327

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more.

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

CHRISTMAS

Three Marines died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The L/Cpl fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Sergeant reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Gunny started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Gunny replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......


Meanwhile from Canada...















HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!


MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED.. 

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH '







An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around
here?"

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says
........

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery!

Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to 2 old' friends right away, there will be 2 fewer
people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully
challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

DUB

****JOKE*****

Two elderly ladies that have been friends for years spend time with each other at the beach during the summer months.

One day they were siting on their blanket ...enjoying the day and one of them noticed this young beautiful girl come up out of the water and begin to walk to shore. When doingthis, the ypoung girl reached down into here cleavage and pulled out a cigatette adn lit it up as she approached teh beach.

The lady who watched this nudged her friend and said. "Did oyu see that?" her friend said "No.". The other lady began to tell her friend what she just saw. When she was doing this, the young girl began to walk by them.

The elderly lady who watched what happen stopped the young girl and asked her a question. "Miss...can I ask you something?"

The young girl said "Yes".

The elderly lady said to the young girl. " I have been coming to this beach with my friend for years and no matter what I do. My cigarettes always get wet. And I do not even get in the water." "Tell me miss, how is it that you can be in the water swimming and your cigarettes are dry? What is your secret?"

The young girl replied. " I put them in a condom"

The elderly lady replied. "OHHHH a condom. Thank you very much".

The next morning the two elderly ladies were going to the beach again. But they first stopped off at the pharmacy to buy a condom.

The pharmacist asked them. "How can I help you ladies?"

The one elderly lady said. "I would like to buy a condom."

The pharmacist ask them "What kind they your like?"

The elderly lady asked. "what kinds do you have?"

He replied. " I have latex, lamb skin, french ticklers, glow in the dark, ribbed, lubricated, non lubricated."

With so many types...the lady got a but confused because she did not think to ask the young girl what she used. The two elderly ladies looked at each other for a minute or two confused.

The pharmacist realizing that they were not sure. He asked then if this is what they want.

The elderly lady said. "Yes, as long as what you have is big enough for a Camel"

DUB

toddalin

Who, besides me, remembers when they used to play this one on the radio?

64Corvette

As I have grown older!




Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore: a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong - I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By - Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. The Sick bastards!!!

The Agony of Aging - On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam - Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute - Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "Hey dumb ***, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!"


Yep, you have probably seen these before but if you don't laugh at at least one your heart may not be beating! It may be time to go see the heart specialist!

ricks327

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
~Ronald Reagan~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.
~Kin Hubbard~

ricks327

ricks327