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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest *****, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and notices six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ***." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios!"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Originally Posted by ricks327
I hope Robbie's cataract surgery goes well today.
Thanks Rick, operation went very easy and I can see better already, no more fog on that side. very pleased.
Thanks for opening the FF this morning Rick.
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From my friend Curvette.....
On a trip to the mall, a couple agreed to split up, visit their favorite shops and meet up again in an hour and a half. So while he visited the bike shop and the sporting goods store, she concentrated on the biggest clothing store.
When he met up with her ninety minutes later as arranged outside the clothing store, she was carrying a dozen bags filled with clothes.
“I don’t believe it!” he exclaimed. “Have you really bought all that?”
“Well yes,” she replied. Then gesturing towards the interior of the shop, she added: “But look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind.
Little Mary: “Mummy, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mom: “Well, that is alright, Annie.”
Little Mary: “But Mummy, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!”
Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd?
Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!
The other day a not so elderly lady (70) said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said "What the heck is a Jalopy?
Oh, Oh a new phrase! He never heard of the word Jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China !
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A. and of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! or, this is a fine kettle of fish, we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel.
Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
01-20-2017, 09:14 AM
Friday Funnies
